One Wet Sunday
“Where’s your camo gear?” my wife shouted up the stairs, “I’m putting it on now!!” I replied in a questionable way, wondering if there was a remote chance that she may of developed some kind of fetish, but the next words to fall from her mouth had me utterly astounded and if I had time, would of resulted in a lengthy and pointless discussion.
“ I was going to iron it for you”…WHAT!!!!!!!……” I’m going to get a few rabbits, in the pouring rain, I’m not competing for the best dressed hunter!!”
“ I only want you to look nice “ she replied……….with that said, I said goodbye, loaded up the van with air rifle and dog and headed of in pursuit of rabbits.
The rain was getting heavier as I approached my permission, typical.
I stopped off at the local garage to buy some bits and pieces for dinner.
Why is it that, in a very small, remote country village the only sandwiches you can buy are “Cray fish tails with sweet chilli and lime dressing” or “ honey roasted chicken, with lime and lemon mayo, wrapped in a lightly floured tortilla”????
When all you want is a good old fashioned “ cheese and onion” sandwich and a bag of salt and vinegar crisps.
So you end up buying some kind of oriental based sandwich smeared with far too much oriental based sauce that you will probably end up wearing before dinner has ended.
I parked the van in the usual place, filled my pockets with a few pellets and old rag
(As I always do when its wet), and set off for a walk round with the dog and air rifle to see if there was anything happening.
Well….after an hour and half we saw nothing, nothing at all.
We where quite wet by now, so decided to go back to the van and have an early dinner.
I was half way through my first tortilla wrap and yes; I ended up wearing it in my lap.
Cleaned it off the best I could, put still left with a very dubious stain in a very dubious area!!!!
Right, back to hunting.
Walked across the of a ridge that leads down to some open fields that is usually teaming with rabbits, but, with it being wet I lost my footing and went over and started sliding down the step incline towards the valley bottom.
Now, this is where instinct kicks in and you start aimlessly grabbing for things, out of reach, to try, in the vain effort to slow you down and hopefully even stop you.
But all that happened was this.
After sliding for about 15 yards I made a heroic effort to grab a clump of grass, what a lunge, connected with the grass, a huge handful and thought, great this will stop me dead.
Think again !!!!!
All it did was turn me 180 degree’s, so now I was sliding backwards, not forwards.
Down I went to the bottom at a fair rate of knots, and as you probably know sliding backwards on a wet muddy slope, results in about ½ ton of wet muddy grass going straight down the back of your pants !!!!!
What a mess!! I picked my self up and surveyed the situation, not good.
Wet, dirty and looking like a toddler that hadn’t had it’s nappy changed for a couple of good dumps……….not pretty.
But wait!!!……in the all the sliding and swearing I’d misplaced my rifle……looking back up the slope I could see it had also made a lunge for a clump of grass and was much more successful than I was……..sat there in the grass and mud about 25 yards away and unrecoverable from where I was.
And yes, you guessed it……….rabbits about 40 yards away !!!!
But my plucky little JRT must have felt sorry for me (after killing its self laughing)
And set of after a rabbit…….grabbed its back leg, that stopped it , switch grip to its neck , a good shake …..one for the bag!!!
Rabbit recovered and gutted.
After this I must of resembled Rambo, camo, covered in wet grass and mud with bloody hands….I had to sort myself out.
Now, this location is very remote and has the added bonus of a river running through it, so that was it decision made…….I’m already wet, strip of, clean myself up in the river…..simple.
So I removed my pants, carefully leaving them on the bank and waded in, oh!! Wait I may as well wash the rabbit out at the same time.
So off I go ago again into the river with my dog looking at me like I’m a mentalist.
Mud washed off, time to clean the rabbit, but something caught my eye.
The dog had discovered the spilt sauce on my pants and was having a good lick at the offending stained area.
Then something else caught my eye, WHAT !!!!!!
Can you believe it……….this beautiful, very remote location is the very place the local right to roam ramblers had decided to visit, on mass today?
Sticks pointing and hushed mumblings all directed towards me.
Picture the scene, I’m in the river stripped from the waist down , holding a dead rabbit by it’s back legs, my dog is licking the crotch area of my abandoned trousers , like she hadn’t been fed for a week ( how was I to know jack russels liked lemon and lime mayo)……all watched by about 20 aged, no doubt well to do, church going ramblers.
What would you do in that situation????? Well I made a sharp exit at a fairly rapid pace in a state of undress, and also having to recover my rifle.
With my dog following close behind.
Did we eat the rabbit????
No………..it is now known as exhibit A
Perhaps if my camo HAD of been ironed, I may have been more presentable????
Anon