Guest anonymous Posted January 17, 2009 Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 Your stuck in a room with a lion, an alligator and a fen man.... you have a gun with 2 bullets, what do you do? Shoot the fenman twice.... just incase.......... :dance: :dance: :dance: :clapping: :clapping: :clapping: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest anonymous Posted January 17, 2009 Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 iam going to rob a bank tomorrow.i plan on dressing up in clowns wig and makeup.and ill be wearing a thong and nipple tassles,il be carrying a goat with a dildo up its arse and a tin of dulux paint,when iam in the bank iam going to get the goat to suck me off then ill throw paint all over the walls whilst shouting the words big fat pissflaps,once ive got the cash iam going to take a shit on the floor before escaping in a big pink van shaped like a big pink cock............................................................................................................................................................ . ............................... lets see crimewhach stage a f*****g reconstuction of that Brilliant mate Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest anonymous Posted January 17, 2009 Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 Guy on his first night of his honeymoon thinks to himself... better start this relationship the way I want it to go on... So he undresses and throws his wife his trousers... "Here, try these on for size".... "They'll not fit me", she replies... "they'll be too big!"... "Aye, and don't you forget it sweet cheeks, I wear the trousers in this relationship!!"... Quick as a flash she whips of her knickers and throws them at him... "Here, try these on!"... "I'll never get into them, they're too small" he laughs.... "Aye ya dick, and if you don't drop that attitude you'll never get into them again!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nighteyes 275 Posted January 17, 2009 Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 woman wakes up in hospital after having fanny tuck and finds three bunches of flowers, one from the surgeon for a succesful op,the other bunch from her husband, and a bunch from billy on the burns unit thanking her for the new ears Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest anonymous Posted January 17, 2009 Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all die and enter heaven at the same time... St Paul says to them, depending on how good you were in your life depends on what type of car you get in heaven... First up is the Scotsman... You were unfaithful only the once say's paul, you lived your life fast and to the max, for that you will get a Ferrari.... Wow says the Scotsman as he jumps in his new car and speds off....... Next up the Englishman... You were unfaithful twice but made up for it by giving plenty to charity and being a good father... for this you shall have a porsch.... yeehaa said the englishman as he sped off....... Finally it came to the Irishman.... Well my fine man... you were faithful to your wife for the whole 40 years you were married and also the 15 after she died... For this reason you shall get the best car here, a Rolls Royce..... The Irishman bursts into tears.... What's wrong asks St Paul, don't you like the car? No, it's not that says the Irishman, I just saw my wife go past on a skateboard!!! :db: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jakehaliday 2 Posted January 17, 2009 Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 After 5yrs together my missus still gets upset if i use her toothbrush!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you know a better way to get dogshit out of trainers, I'm all ears. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jakehaliday 2 Posted January 17, 2009 Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 A bloke notices a tasty bird giving him the eye in the supermarket. 'Do i know you?' he asks. she says 'aren't u the dad of 1 of my kids?' he thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful and says 'Were you the hooker I f****d over the pool table at my stag do while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my arse?' she stares at him and says 'No, I'm Your daughter's teacher Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lanesra 3,994 Posted January 17, 2009 Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 A bloke going round asda with his wife, puts 24 cans of stella in the basket "you can put them back, theres a credit crunch" says the wife, "but there only a tenner" he says "there goin back" she says.....minutes later she puts a jar of face cream in the basket "how much is that" he asks "20quid, and it does make me look beautiful" "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND THERE ONLY A FECKING TENNER" . Quote Link to post Share on other sites
sthelens hunter 73 Posted January 17, 2009 Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 A bloke going round asda with his wife, puts 24 cans of stella in the basket "you can put them back, theres a credit crunch" says the wife, "but there only a tenner" he says "there goin back" she says.....minutes later she puts a jar of face cream in the basket "how much is that" he asks "20quid, and it does make me look beautiful" "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND THERE ONLY A FECKING TENNER" . Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ChrisJones 7,975 Posted January 18, 2009 Report Share Posted January 18, 2009 How many lurchermen does it take to change a lightbulb? 15. 1 to hold the stool. 1 to change the bulb. The other 13 to stand around and say that they could change 8 out of 10 single handed. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dogman89 0 Posted January 18, 2009 Report Share Posted January 18, 2009 How many lurchermen does it take to change a lightbulb? 15. 1 to hold the stool. 1 to change the bulb. The other 13 to stand around and say that they could change 8 out of 10 single handed. lol nice one mate Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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