jokes

[kevegg 0]

The 'Perfect Password'

 

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the

appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he

would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for

the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the

computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious

to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he

typed:

 

 

 

P...E...N...I...S

 

 

 

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

 

 

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The old man placed order for one hamburger,

French fries and a drink.

 

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and

carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his

wife.

 

He then carefully counted out the French

fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one

pile in front of his wife

 

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a

sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to

eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were

looking over and whispering.

 

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor

old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of

them.'

 

As the man began to eat his fries a young man

came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal

for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine -

they were used to sharing everything.

 

People closer to the table noticed the little

old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her

husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the

drink..

 

Again, the young man came over and begged

them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the

old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing

everything.'

 

Finally, as the old man finished and was

wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again

came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single

bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting

for?'

 

She answered

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'The teeth!'

 

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Shopping at TESCO

 

 

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!'

'Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,' Mike replies. 'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Tesco Club card points as well'.

 

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

 

 

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

 

 

 

The computer printed the following:

 

 

i) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

 

 

ii) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet

 

 

iii) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

 

 

iv) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

 

 

v) Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.

 

 

vi) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........

 

Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

 

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Kev.

[xx-georgia-xx 15]

love the last one

[nightowl 169 3]

[Guest staffman1]

[The one 8,463]

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