Northern Lads and

[Halfinch 51]

A little northern girl is watching her Mother washing up with fairy liquid,

 

She says, "Mummy, why are your hands so soft"

 

Her mother says " Cause i'm only 13yrs old"

 

[Halfinch 51]

Not quite a Northern joke, more about one Northerner in Particular.

 

What would Peter Crouch be if he wasn't a professional footballer??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A VIRGIN

[Tuzo 251]

Another northern joke,

 

Burnley come to London expecting to get in the finals of the Carling cup.

 

 

Dont even think about comparing southern teams to the mighty northerners. You lot are a league apart............man u spanked your best and wigan belted your other pile of sh**e

[Halfinch 51]

I was in the pub last night when this ugly northern girl came up to me, and asked what does reincarnation mean?

 

So i told her it's when you die, you come back as something else.

 

She said "oh good, well when i die i want to come back as a pig"

 

I said " your not fecking listening love."

[Halfinch 51]

I was working oop North last week, when this northern Hooker came up to me and said " Do you fancy a shag?"

 

I said " I can't luv, i've only got a Fiver on me"

 

She replied " That's ok! I've got change"

 

[fraggle 4]

A northern lesbian went to weight watchers and the organiser said "remember you are what you eat" the lesbian replied " you calling me a c**t"

Edited March 28, 2009 by fraggle

[harrycatcat 31]

There was this northern guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

 

Then, this big trouble-making Southern truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

 

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

 

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Tuzo 251]

A southerner and his sad friends spent weeks on a website telling each other shit jokes............

[Halfinch 51]

A southerner and his sad friends spent weeks on a website telling each other shit jokes............

 

While a dumb ass Northerner spent weeks reading them.

 

[harrycatcat 31]

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

 

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

 

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

 

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

 

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

 

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

 

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

 

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f*****g ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

[harrycatcat 31]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

 

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

 

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

[harrycatcat 31]

When a man in Doncaster came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

 

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

 

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Doncaster.

 

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Doncaster Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

 

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Devon."

 

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Southerner Kills Family Pet."

[harrycatcat 31]

When a man in Doncaster came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

 

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

 

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Doncaster.

 

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Doncaster Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

 

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Devon."

 

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Southerner Kills Family Pet."

[Halfinch 51]

A 6ft 4in Northerner with a very small penis in the toilet looks to his left and sees a little man peeing out of a huge penis.

The Northerner says "that is the biggest cock I have ever seen"

 

The little man says "Oh, i'm a Leprechan, we all have big dicks like this"

 

The Northerner says " Wish I had one as big as that"

 

The Leprechan replies " I'll grant you that wish, if you let me bum you first"

 

On account of his small penis the Northerner reluctently agrees.

 

The Leprechan pumps away on him for ages, and when he finishes he askes the Northerner, "How old are you?"

 

"36" says the Northerner

 

" Well imagine that 36yrs old, and you still believe in Leprechans" says the little fella. :haha:

 

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Guest manda]

Q.What do you call a Essex girl with half a brain?

A.Gifted!

 

Q.What do you call a Essex girl with 2 brain cells?

A.Pregnant

 

Q.Why aren't Essex girls good cattle herders?

A.Because they can't even keep two calves together!

 

Q.What did the Essex girl's right leg say to the left leg?

A.Nothing. They've never met