dytkos 17,784 Posted May 23, 2008 Report Share Posted May 23, 2008 A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" RIP Tommy Cooper -------------------------------------------------------------------- Two elephants walk off a cliff....... boom boom! --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah.." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Billie-Boy 0 Posted May 23, 2008 Report Share Posted May 23, 2008 how do you get 4 gay blokes to sit on one stool?? turn it upside down Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dogman541 0 Posted May 24, 2008 Report Share Posted May 24, 2008 (edited) MAN AND WOMEN IN VERY DARK WOODS MAKING LOVE,MAN SAYS"I WISH I HAD A TORCH"WOMEN SAYS SO DO I U'VE BEEN LICKING THE GRASS FOR THE LAST TEN MINUTES! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TWO IRISH MEN FIND A MIRROR IN THE ROAD,1ST ONE PICKS IT UP AND SAYS I KNOW THIS FACE FROM SOMEWHERE BUT I CAN'T PUT A NAME TO IT. SECOND ONE PICKS IT UP AND SAYS ITS ME U DAFT C**T. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A 7 AND 4 YEAR OLD ARE SITTING IN THEIR BEDROOM, U KNOW WHAT SAYS THE 7YEAR OLD, I THINK ITS TIME WE STARTED SWEARING. WHEN WE GO DOWN STAIRS FOR BREAKFAST I'LL SWEAR FIRST THEN U, 'OK' SAYS 4YEAR OLD. MUM COMES FROM KITCHEN & ASKS WHAT THE 7YEAR OLD WANTS FOR BREAKFAST. SH*T MOM I'LL HAVE COCCOPOPS, "WHACK" HE FLEW OUT OF HIS CHAIR CRYING HIS EYES OUT. MOM LOOKED AT HER 4YEAR OLD & ASKS STERNLY WHAT DO U WANT FOR BREAKFAST, I DON'T KNOW HE BLUBBERS BUT IT WON'T BE F**KING COCCOPOPS!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A MAN PINCHES HIS WIFES BUM AND SAYS ''U KNOW IF U FIRM THIS UP U COULD GET RID OF UR CELLULITE''. RATHER ANNOYED SHE DECIDED TO BITE HER TONGUE AND SAYS NOTHING. LATER THAT NIGHT IN BED HUSBAND SQUEEZED HER BOOBS ANS SAID ''DO U KNOW IF U FIRMED THESE UP U COULD GET RID OF YOUR BRA'' . ABSOLUTELY FUMING WIFE REACHES OVER GRABS HIS **CK AND SAID ''IF U FIRMED THIS UP WE COULD GET RID OF THE GARDENER THE MILKMAN AND YOUR F**KING BROTHER!! Edited May 24, 2008 by dogman541 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dogman541 0 Posted May 24, 2008 Report Share Posted May 24, 2008 (edited) BLOKE GOES TO THE DOCTORS AND SAYS DOCTOR ''EVERY TIME I LOOK IN THE MIRROR I GET A HARD ON''. DOCTOR SAYS ''I'M NOT SURPRISED U'VE GOT A FACE LIKE A C**T''! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A NUN IS SITTING ON A TRAIN OPPOSITE A SKINHEAD WHO IS EATING A BAG OF PRAWNS. EVERYTIME HE EATS ONE HE SPITS OUT THE HEAD AT HER AND SHE THROWS IT OUT THE WINDOW. EVENTUALLY SHE GETS PI**ED OFF AND PULLS THE EMERGENCY CORD. SKINHEAD LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS U STUPID B**CH U'LL GET A £50 FINE FOR THAT AND LAUGHS. SHE LAUGHS BACK AND SAYS ''WHEN I CRY RAPE AND THEY SMELL YOUR FINGERS U'LL GET TEN YEARS U BALD TWAT''! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2 IRISH MEN ARE HAMMERING FLOOR BOARDS DOWN IN THEIR HOUSE, PADDY PICKS UP A NAIL AND WHEN HE REALISES ITS UPSIDE DOWN HE THROWS IT AWAY' HE CARRIES ON DOING THIS UNTILL MURPHY ASKS ''WHY ARE U THROWING THEM AWAY''? PADDY REPLIES ''BECAUSE THEY'RE UPSIDE DOWN'' ''U PRAT SAYS MURPHY SAVE THEM FOR THE CEILING''! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ MAN GETS HOME FROM PUB VERY DRUNK' WIFE SAYS ''OK SMART A*SE HOW DO U EXPLAIN THE LIPSTICK ON UR SHIRT''? ''F**KING EASY'' HE SAID ''I USED MY SHIRT TO WIPE MY C**K''. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOMEN TRYING TO SPICE UP HER SEX LIFE BUYS A PAIR OF CROTCHLESS KNICKERS. LATER THAT DAY SHE SITS OPPOSITE HER HUSBAND WHO ASKS ''ARE U WEARING CROTCHLESS KNICKERS''? ''YES'' SHE REPLIES. HUSBAND SAYS ''THANK F**K FOR THAT I THOUGHT THE SETTEE HAD BURST''. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A SON ASKS HIS DAD THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ''THEORETICALLY'' AND ''REALISTICALLY''' THATS HARD''DAD SAID,BUT I HAVE AN IDEA. ''ASK MUM IF SHE WOULD SLEEP WITH THE MILKMAN FOR A MILLION QUID'', MUM SAYS YES, DAD SAYS ''NOW ASK YOUR SISTER IF SHE WOULD SLEEP WITH THE WINDOW CLEANER FOR 2 MILLION'' SISTER SAYS ''YES'', WELL THERE YOU GO SON THEORETICALLY WERE SITTING ON 3 MILLION QUID,BUT REALLISTICALLY WERE LIVING WITH A PAIR OF SLAGS! Edited May 24, 2008 by dogman541 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
maddogs 0 Posted May 27, 2008 Report Share Posted May 27, 2008 :11: :11: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
gwhite80 0 Posted May 27, 2008 Report Share Posted May 27, 2008 Tam, Nigel and Paddy all talking at the bar about the wives wasting money - Tam says "My wife wastes so much money on Perfume, she doesn't even smell that bad without it!" Nigel says "That's nothing my wife spend a fortune on make-up, she's so pretty she doesn't need it!" Paddy says "You think you got it bad? My wife's taken 100 condoms away to Ibiza with her pals, - She doesn't even have a c*ck!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
maddogs 0 Posted May 27, 2008 Report Share Posted May 27, 2008 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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