hawklad 0 Posted May 14, 2008 Report Share Posted May 14, 2008 A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Two elephants walk off a cliff....... boom boom! --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah.." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Coney 3 Posted May 14, 2008 Report Share Posted May 14, 2008 Like the about Colin, priceless. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BlueCoyote 0 Posted May 14, 2008 Report Share Posted May 14, 2008 How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. ---- How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path. ---- What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam! ----- What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko. ---- What's the difference between a bad Golfer? And a bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack! "Dang!" A Bad Skydiver Goes "Dang!" Whack! ---- What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop, Clop, Clop? An Amish Drive-By Shooting Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JohnGalway Posted May 14, 2008 Report Share Posted May 14, 2008 BC they're just bloody priceless. Rabbits, dam, skydivers, Amish... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BlueCoyote 0 Posted May 14, 2008 Report Share Posted May 14, 2008 i found some more that were great but you would have to punish me if i posted them... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blp1774 7 Posted May 14, 2008 Report Share Posted May 14, 2008 What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. What is the definition of bluetack? Smurf Sh*t What is the definition of a Drawing pin? A smartie with a H**d on. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BlueCoyote 0 Posted May 14, 2008 Report Share Posted May 14, 2008 i guess you have to be british to get the last two lol whats a blue tack? ..and i do know what a smartie is... i think. same thing as our M&Ms right? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blp1774 7 Posted May 14, 2008 Report Share Posted May 14, 2008 (edited) Smartie/M&M same thing yes. Blue tack is a blue type of gum that you use to stick poster to a wall etc Edited May 14, 2008 by blp1774 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BlueCoyote 0 Posted May 14, 2008 Report Share Posted May 14, 2008 (edited) New Terrorist Weapon Edited May 14, 2008 by BlueCoyote Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JohnGalway Posted May 14, 2008 Report Share Posted May 14, 2008 i found some more that were great but you would have to punish me if i posted them... I'm self censoring my own comments now, few drinks taken Hope you don't mind, I robbed the Amish joke to post elsewhere Mousetrap is like me, one beer left Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SEAN3513 7 Posted May 14, 2008 Report Share Posted May 14, 2008 (edited) WHAT DO YOU CALL A FRENCH MAN WEARING SANDALS????????? PHILEPE FELOP POSTED IT EARLIER.................SLIPPED TO FAR DOWN NOW.( COS ITS CRAP)...SO I THOUGHT I,D TAG ONTO THIS THREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EEEEE......THE BLOODY CHEEK OF SOME PEOPLE!!!!! Edited May 14, 2008 by SEAN3513 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ben.c 0 Posted May 22, 2008 Report Share Posted May 22, 2008 3 Guy's sitting in a pub talking about their wive's, comparing them to bird's of the feathered variety. the first say's " my wife is like a robin, because she has nice breast's and is very friendly". The second man say's "my wife is like a cockateil, because she is very nice to look at but sqwaulk on a bit". The third man say's " my wife's like a thrush because she's an irritating c**t". Quote Link to post Share on other sites
terrier lady 0 Posted May 22, 2008 Report Share Posted May 22, 2008 These are genuine clips from council complaint letters: 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow. 4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 6. ... and their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. 8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. 13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. -- Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SMOGGY 34 Posted May 22, 2008 Report Share Posted May 22, 2008 I've just been to walk the dog in the near by graveyard, saw a group of men carring a coffin around, 50 mins later they're still walking around carrying the coffin, I said to myself "they've lost the plot, they have" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jimmy0211 2 Posted May 23, 2008 Report Share Posted May 23, 2008 A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom ask how was his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today." "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait for your father to get home!" says the mom. Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him, he's been really bad today. Dad goes up to his son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her that I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy. "Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about 13, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new bike you've been wanting!" So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad. The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore." here was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big f*****g deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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