Open Letter to America

[lurchergrrl 1,441]

 

In view of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

 

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

 

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

 

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

 

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

 

5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

 

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

 

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England . It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

 

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

 

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US per gallon. Get used to it.

 

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup or mayonnaise but with vinegar.

 

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

 

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ear removed with a cheese grater.

 

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for "Big Girls Blouse").

 

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

 

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

 

Thank you for your co-operation.

 

John Cleese

[masmiffy 82]

Nice one lurcher!

Will forward to my contacts in USA, should confuse the hell out of them!!!!

One good thing about Americans.............................................most are in America!

In their eyes there is only one country in the world (America) and one currency (dollars)

 

Best I stop now!!!

[mark01856 7]

brilliant

[TOMO 26,156]

brilliant thats always been my pet hate , the world serries thing

[BlueCoyote 0]

i just wanna say two things....

 

 

the food in england/UK sucks. as tasteless as our "beer"!*

 

 

 

but i do agree with the roundabouts..

 

 

 

 

that is all.

 

 

 

 

 

*i was in St. Augustine Florida a couple years ago with my husband and stopped into an "English Pub" styled diner.. claiming to have authentic food from the UK.

well..... after reading the menu i said a little too loudly that there is no taste in any of these things. spotted dick was the only interesting item there. everything else was either stew, soda bread, or "pies".. everything i already cook at home!!! anyway the waitress gave me a dirty look just as we were leaving lol

and dont say that we're not reading the recipes right!! i have a lot of friends in the UK and have gotten the recipes directly from them!

you brits invaded every country in the world looking for spices and all you seem to use is curry!! wtf??

 

 

[BlueCoyote 0]

Nice one lurcher!

Will forward to my contacts in USA, should confuse the hell out of them!!!!

One good thing about Americans.............................................most are in America!

In their eyes there is only one country in the world (America) and one currency (dollars)

 

Best I stop now!!!

 

i wont argue that but dont tar us all with the same brush. a good majority do have their heads in the sand, but thats because we dont have quite the same terrorist problem as everyone else in the world. our biggest fears usually surround natural disasters and bad architects.

oh and bad tv series of course......

[Tis TM 8]

i just wanna say two things....

 

 

the food in england/UK sucks. as tasteless as our "beer"!*

 

 

 

but i do agree with the roundabouts..

 

 

 

 

that is all.

 

 

 

 

 

*i was in St. Augustine Florida a couple years ago with my husband and stopped into an "English Pub" styled diner.. claiming to have authentic food from the UK.

well..... after reading the menu i said a little too loudly that there is no taste in any of these things. spotted dick was the only interesting item there. everything else was either stew, soda bread, or "pies".. everything i already cook at home!!! anyway the waitress gave me a dirty look just as we were leaving lol

and dont say that we're not reading the recipes right!! i have a lot of friends in the UK and have gotten the recipes directly from them!

you brits invaded every country in the world looking for spices and all you seem to use is curry!! wtf??

 

 

 

I wouldn't let one American " English Styled Pub Diner" give you an opinion on English food Blue

[lurchergrrl 1,441]

you brits invaded every country in the world looking for spices and all you seem to use is curry!! wtf??

pmsl

[BlueCoyote 0]

i just wanna say two things....

 

 

the food in england/UK sucks. as tasteless as our "beer"!*

 

 

 

but i do agree with the roundabouts..

 

 

 

 

that is all.

 

 

 

 

 

*i was in St. Augustine Florida a couple years ago with my husband and stopped into an "English Pub" styled diner.. claiming to have authentic food from the UK.

well..... after reading the menu i said a little too loudly that there is no taste in any of these things. spotted dick was the only interesting item there. everything else was either stew, soda bread, or "pies".. everything i already cook at home!!! anyway the waitress gave me a dirty look just as we were leaving lol

and dont say that we're not reading the recipes right!! i have a lot of friends in the UK and have gotten the recipes directly from them!

you brits invaded every country in the world looking for spices and all you seem to use is curry!! wtf??

 

 

 

I wouldn't let one American " English Styled Pub Diner" give you an opinion on English food Blue

 

what about Irish Pubs? been to several of those...... i told a scottish friend once that i was almost starving and found someone selling something called a Bridey.... and he laughed at me.. i told him to leave me alone because i was hungry and would have eaten "authentic chinese food" if it had been available....

 

oh and the signs all over that English Pub in St. Augustine had all kinds of bragging notes stuck everywhere. if thats the best then i hate to see the worst!!

[John Nolan 0]

Here's a little history on our National Anthem and of Great Britain's attempt to reclaim her lost colonies. It's a long read, but informative. Cleese is no better than any other talking head that will say anything to get air time on TV or space in the tabloids.

We had friends in from Alberta Canada last summer. They take offense at Americans stupidity in making fun of the Queen and the Royal family.

 

 

 

National_Anthem.pdf

[TOMO 26,156]

fecking class you got a yank here taking the piss out of our food

 

amercan food , oh yes hotdgs and hamburgers there conrabution to world quisine .

 

and i love the bit in a resturant you spoke in a loud voise another classic americans of famouse for being loud .

 

if you ever meet a us turist here in the uk , u will here him from a mile a way.

[masmiffy 82]

Must have touched a nerve me thinks?

 

Years ago we didnt have KFC McDonalds Burger King or FAT kids.

We didnt sue everyone for every thing and if it didnt work sue someone else.

 

One good thing my ex wife now lives in Kansas, someone full of wind in the windy state!!!

Edited March 26, 2008 by masmiffy

[BlueCoyote 0]

fecking class you got a yank here taking the piss out of our food

 

amercan food , oh yes hotdgs and hamburgers there conrabution to world quisine .

 

and i love the bit in a resturant you spoke in a loud voise another classic americans of famouse for being loud .

 

if you ever meet a us turist here in the uk , u will here him from a mile a way.

 

oh seriously now you think the americans are the only loud people in the world? lets not be so naive we dont have riots at our sporting events, we also dont have jack asses taking away all out rights to hunt and fish. sure they are trying but they havent succeeded yet.

 

and... hot dogs and hamburgers... didnt they originate in Germany? aside from that the Americans arent the only ones manufacturing cheap bi-products and calling it food. and McDonald's is a Scottish name, right?

 

and no i'm not pissy just pointing some things out. dont be the pot calling the kettle black since a good portion of my country is people from other countries. from what i have read from you guys you've got it far worse with illegal aliens raping and pillaging your homeland while the government pays them to do it. way to go!!

 

and yes i didnt mean to be loud - we were outside on the patio of that podunk pub and everyone was loud.. i was just a bit louder so my husband could hear me lol if i had actually been IN the UK...... well i'm sure i would have found another place to eat anyway. as it was, that day we ended up going to a seafood/italian place because thats really all i care to eat.. my gripe was the advertising....... "Authentic English cuisine" .... stew.. meat pies... soda bread... scotch eggs... spotted dick... and some other odds and ends i cook almost every night just because thats a normal dinner for my family i almost expected to see porridge on the menu as well!!

 

 

no i would say every country has their own problems with crummy leaders that were elected by the people.. but they like to pick on others so they dont have to look at the fact that their country sucks as much as everyone elses.

Name one perfect country with no problems where everyone gets along. i'll be sure not to go there because once you name it every dick head and freeloader of any race will be stampeding in that direction.

 

 

 

PS if your kids are fat thats not the foods fault. thats the parents fault for letting the little brats stuff their faces all day long with junk.

Edited March 26, 2008 by BlueCoyote

[rabitin girl 16]

Love it

[TOMO 26,156]

belive me blue coyote , americans and being loud is a standing joke in the uk its the same as germans knicking all the sunbeds.

 

by the way get your self a sence of humer, if you cant laff at your self you shouldnt laff at any one

 

and that goes for evrybody regardless of race , nationality , or relgion.

 

im sure if you trawl the net you will find a similar joke type thing as the first post about the british.

 

hamburgers and hot dogs german yes. but you feckers adopted it as your national dish

 

but seriosly though , america , and great quisine , are not in the same sentance