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does anyone know any good jokes


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A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several

places'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

why did the plane crash into the house...................................because the landing light was on :sick: :sick:

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does anyone know any good jokes :hmm::hmm:

Heres one .

Paddys' night out!! Lol!

 

 

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most

of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight

Paddy.

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

 

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his

face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself

off.

 

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

"Shoite, Shoite!"

 

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just

get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

 

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,

feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat

on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

 

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,

hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

 

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make

it to the bed."

 

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

 

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a

cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.

Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed.

But how'd you know?"

 

"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

 

kipo

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Man walks into a pub,

 

Man: Alright Barkeep, could I have a pint please?

 

Barman: Certainly sir, what would you like?

 

Man: Anything apart from that Stella, I had 12 pints of that last night and when I got home, I was f**king Skint!

 

Barman: Well sir, if you'd have had 12 pints of anything else, you'd have been pretty broke.

 

Man: No mate, you don't understand! Skint's the name of the wifes Jack Russel!

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Man walks into a pub,

 

Man: Alright Barkeep, could I have a pint please?

 

Barman: Certainly sir, what would you like?

 

Man: Anything apart from that Stella, I had 12 pints of that last night and when I got home, I was f**king Skint!

 

Barman: Well sir, if you'd have had 12 pints of anything else, you'd have been pretty broke.

 

Man: No mate, you don't understand! Skint's the name of the wifes Jack Russel!

 

:sick:

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DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU'RE EASLY OFFENDED!!

If this gets removed, I won't be offended or post a thread moaning about freedom of speech and all that rubbish, I just have to give this one a go, it cracks me up!

 

 

Bob & Pete are sitting in a bar.

Bob says to Pete, 'I heard a cracking joke today Pete!' Pete says, 'What was it?'

Bob says, 'What do you do if an epileptic's having a fit in the bath? Chuck in your laundry!'

The're both in fits of laughter, and John the barman comes over, and threatens them with a pool cue, shouting about the bad taste of the joke.

When the barman finally calmed down and carried on serving, one of the regulars came over and said, 'Christ! You boys were lucky! His son was epileptic, he died in the bath.'

Bob went as white as a ghost and said, 'Bloody hell! Poor bloke, no wonder he flipped!'

Pete said, 'How did he die? Did he hit his head on the taps or something?'

The regular shook his head and said, 'No, he choked on one of Johns socks!'

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DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU'RE EASLY OFFENDED!!

If this gets removed, I won't be offended or post a thread moaning about freedom of speech and all that rubbish, I just have to give this one a go, it cracks me up!

 

 

Bob & Pete are sitting in a bar.

Bob says to Pete, 'I heard a cracking joke today Pete!' Pete says, 'What was it?'

Bob says, 'What do you do if an epileptic's having a fit in the bath? Chuck in your laundry!'

The're both in fits of laughter, and John the barman comes over, and threatens them with a pool cue, shouting about the bad taste of the joke.

When the barman finally calmed down and carried on serving, one of the regulars came over and said, 'Christ! You boys were lucky! His son was epileptic, he died in the bath.'

Bob went as white as a ghost and said, 'Bloody hell! Poor bloke, no wonder he flipped!'

Pete said, 'How did he die? Did he hit his head on the taps or something?'

The regular shook his head and said, 'No, he choked on one of Johns socks!'

 

Now that's my type of humour. :clapper::clapper::clapper:

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