Upper middle class problems thread

[low plains drifter 9,994]

44 minutes ago, jukel123 said:

I am glad you have turned to this forum for advice as you are drawing on a wealth of experience.

I have faced the problem of unsuitable staff who have be "let go" on numerous occasions. Here are some suggestions in no particular order of merit.

1) You could make her pregnant and send her away in shame and disgust. This worked for me for several years, however the onset of DNA testing  renders this method somewhat risky. However, a way round this, would be to instruct your butler to impregnate her instead of yourself.

2) Leave enormous skid marks on all the towels, including tea towels. This again works, but comes with the additional  expense of replacing them. I would use them again but Lady Jukel is a very discerning woman.

3) Adopt the expression of a crazed Japanese man whilst simultaneously exposing your penis. Some staff may continue to hoover around you. In this scenario paw her and making moaning noises. Trust me she will leg it pronto. The disadvage of this method is that ,invariably, the old Bill tootle up your drive. However, a strict "do you know who are talking to?  ....in your best Eton accent will generally reduce them to grovelling whilst doffing their helmets.

Good luck, it is such a tiresome bother dispensing of staff. My heart goes out to you.

Are you Ditch Shitter?

[jukel123 7,874]

2 hours ago, low plains drifter said:

Are you Ditch Shitter?

I have shat in ditches, but I have never gone by the username of ditchshitter.

I never had a problem with shitting  in ditches until I wiped my arse with empty paper cement bags. Caused enormous constipation which my doctor  could only relieve with a hammer and chisel. You modern fellas with Portaloos and toilet paper don't know you are born.

Edited September 19, 2023 by jukel123

[low plains drifter 9,994]

16 hours ago, jukel123 said:

I have shat in ditches, but I have never gone by the username of ditchshitter.

I never had a problem with shitting  in ditches until I wiped my arse with empty paper cement bags. Caused enormous constipation which my doctor  could only relieve with a hammer and chisel. You modern fellas with Portaloos and toilet paper don't know you are born.

Paradise

[downsouth 7,092]

Easy fix.Stop spending half the day on here and clean your house yourself

[DIDO.1 22,183]

29 minutes ago, downsouth said:

Easy fix.Stop spending half the day on here and clean your house yourself

Are you mad? 

[DIDO.1 22,183]

29 minutes ago, downsouth said:

Easy fix.Stop spending half the day on here and clean your house yourself

I'm sat outside a scummy ex drug den waiting to go in and spray it for fleas . I appreciate at some point I need to put down my phone and get motivated though 

[Astanley 11,554]

5 hours ago, DIDO.1 said:

I'm sat outside a scummy ex drug den waiting to go in and spray it for fleas . I appreciate at some point I need to put down my phone and get motivated though 

Once Mchull gets off his phone he will open the door to you .

[mC HULL 11,783]

49 minutes ago, Astanley said:

Once Mchull gets off his phone he will open the door to you .

i pay no attention to an old scouse jackanory lol 

here’s a few a me young uns rolling about in the filth and needles lol

 

and here’s a flea infested dogs lol or wait me dogs are outside not in the house must a brought fleas in with me aye clown lol

 

 

now let’s see your pissed stained kegs lol

[ryaldinhio 4,312]

On 18/09/2023 at 20:26, DIDO.1 said:

Don't laugh. 

We have now got a cleaner.

After the Mrs bout of illness last year she's now firing on all cylinders and working flat out. Works in the community with terminally ill folk plus runs her own little business. Anyway the house gets a bit messy what with me working part time and spending so much time out fishing, shooting and buying shite for my shed. 

So the Mrs has asked on Facebook for recommendations of cleaners. I'm imagining a little fit piece, tight uniform, feather duster, bobs your uncle. 

What we have got is a middle age harridan who turns up with no uniform and fck all cleaning equipment. Turns out she runs a failing local dump of a pub and needs the money to make ends meet. The Mrs, being a mouth on legs, asks her about her problems, husbands an alcoholic, can't pay the bills etc. She was supposed to be here 2 hours, spends 1 of em crying sat on the couch. Still wants paying for two like. 

Mrs won't sack her because she feels sorry for her. House doesn't look any cleaner. 

How does everyone else deal with wayward domestic servants??

 

f***ing kick em both out