Funny Joke Thread

[fireman 10,927]

Two muslims sat chatting,one says to the other "the wife called me a peodophile last night".The second one replied "that's a horrid thing to come out with, but mind you it is a big word for a 8 year old "........

[Blackbriar 8,569]

A Winchester woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge............."

[bob.243 8,888]

[blackmaggie 3,376]

A bloke walks in to a adult  shop and asks for a blow up doll the assistant asks male or female female  black or white white he replied tall or short tall please he says muslim or Christian the man replies what the feck as religion got to do with it well said the assistant the muslim ones blow there's self up 

[bob.243 8,888]

[ChrisJones 7,975]

[Foxpack 2 7,852]

A mans wandering through the woods when he comes across a guy tied to a tree his arms around the trunk and wrists cable tied together.
He shouts"help me untie me I've just been robbed at knifepoint, they've taken my wallet and car keys we need to call the police  " 
"Oh dear says the other man"unzipping
his trousers "it's just not your lucky day is it sweetie?"

[Jonjon79 13,358]

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…”

"Why are we living in Rotherham and still wearing all this shit?

[si brown 8,486]

[Kerny92 1,246]

Be careful when you're out, a mate of mine got attacked by a bloke with a power tool last night, he was minding his own business then all of a sudden BOSCH!!!

Edited June 20, 2018 by Kerny92

[bob.243 8,888]

[bob.243 8,888]

[Foxpack 2 7,852]

My missus told me she'd got an invite to a fancy dress party.
"Oh, that explains the latex rubber sumo wrestler suit you're trying on"
She replied "What f***ing latex rubber sumo suit? I'm naked you b*****d"
 

[waltjnr 6,838]

[waltjnr 6,838]