Funny Joke Thread

[bob.243 8,599]

[eastcoast 4,115]

40 minutes ago, bob.243 said:

A similar thing almost happened to a heating engineer that I once new. He got off on a technicality though as he was Corgi Registered.

[Blackbriar 8,569]

I bought the wife an artificial leg for Christmas.

 

It's not her main present...........just a stocking filler !

[bob.243 8,599]

[Foxpack 2 7,849]

A phone rings....

Woman answers....

Pervert breathes heavily....."have you got a tight unshaven c**t?"

Woman replies "yes...... He's watching the TV, who shall I say is calling?"
 

[mushroom 12,877]

???

[dave88 1,565]

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.

"I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.

The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.

"I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.

The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.

"Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky.

Poof! A female leprechaun appears.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can f**k me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies.

The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can f**k me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.

The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can f**k me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The son says, "What if I f**k you 10 times in a row?"

The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold.

The son says, "What if I f**k you 20 times in a row?"

She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion."

The son thinks and says, "What if I f**k you 30 times in a row?"

She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland."

The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?"

"What do you mean?" says the leprechaun.

"The cow didn't"

[dave88 1,565]

 

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

It read:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months, and I have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.

At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night.

In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Richard

I was so angered and betrayed, that I grabbed my gun, went next door, and shot Richard...killing him.

I went back home, and poured myself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

Just then, I looked at my phone, and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard

[Foxpack 2 7,849]

On his last tour of Ireland , the Pope was asked what he thought of County Down .
" I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was in it " , he replied .
 

[Foxpack 2 7,849]

When i was younger i killed a butterfly and my dad said no butter for a week and i thought of a plan. My dad later saw me kill a cockroach. He smiled at me and said “nice try”
 

[ArchieHood 3,692]

Just met a dyslexic Yorkshireman, he was wearing a cat flap............

[Mister Gain 1,764]

My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.

Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"

He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."

[Blackbriar 8,569]

I passed a chap on the river bank, and noticed that his keep net was rammed full of fish.

I asked him his secret, and he said, "Whenever I catch a fish, I think of my wife."

"Does that help your concentration, then ?" I asked.

"No" he said. "It makes me want to stay here for another couple of days !"

[ArchieHood 3,692]

Vienna..........it means nothing to me.

[Blackbriar 8,569]

I've enrolled in an origami course.

I've never done it before, so I'll have to see what unfolds.........