Funny Joke Thread

[Blackbriar 8,569]

On 07/12/2017 at 03:18, hawki said:

Dirty Derek our local flasher was thinking about retiring,

but he's decided to stick it out for another year!

Last week , it was so cold that he was jumping in front of women and describing himself !

[neil cooney 10,416]

4 hours ago, walshie said:

Son: Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: It's coz your Mum loves Easter. It's an anagram.

Son: Thanks Dad.

Dad: No problem Alan. 

[ginger beard 4,652]

4 hours ago, walshie said:

Son: Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: It's coz your Mum loves Easter. It's an anagram.

Son: Thanks Dad.

Dad: No problem Alan. 

One of the vets at work is called Anna but spelt ana because she Spanish so I put an l at the end.

She went nuts at me

 

[ginger beard 4,652]

What's got 13 windows that won't open.?

Keith cegwins advent calender.

[Mister Gain 1,764]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

[bob.243 8,755]

 

[walshie 2,804]

I saw a shop advertising that they did oil paintings from a photograph. I thought I'd treat my wife for Christmas so I took a photo of her in and they told me to come back in a week.

When I went back to collect the painting, to say I was disappointed is an understatement. They hadn't used oils at all, but acrylics and it looked terrible.

I held the painting of my wife up yelling, "This is no oil painting."

The man in the shop said, "Don't shout at me, you married her."

[ginger beard 4,652]

23 minutes ago, walshie said:

I saw a shop advertising that they did oil paintings from a photograph. I thought I'd treat my wife for Christmas so I took a photo of her in and they told me to come back in a week.

When I went back to collect the painting, to say I was disappointed is an understatement. They hadn't used oils at all, but acrylics and it looked terrible.

I held the painting of my wife up yelling, "This is no oil painting."

The man in the shop said, "Don't shout at me, you married her."

It doesn't need a punch line ,you can guess it.

[neil cooney 10,416]

A chap tries to get into a nightclub but the bouncer stops him for not wearing a tie.

He walks back to his car but then gets an idea. He takes the jumper cables out of the boot, put them around his neck and ties them like a tie.

He goes back to the door of the club and asks the bouncer was he OK now ?

"OK, " says the bouncer "you can go in, but don't start anything."

[Blackbriar 8,569]

Which computer is the best singer ?

 

 

A Dell !

(Which way is the cloakroom ?)

[Blackbriar 8,569]

I went to see my doctor the other day. 

I told him "I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. All day long, non-stop - I can't get it out of my head. It's driving me nuts !"

He said "I think you've got Tom Jones syndrome."

I asked "Is it rare ?"

He said "It's not unusual !"

 

(Taxi !)

[dave88 1,565]

A vegan said to me "People who sell meat are gross"

I said "People who sell fruit and veg are grocer"

[Blackbriar 8,569]

I've got a Blur alarm clock.

It wakes me up at 7am every morning - except on Wednesdays..............

 

 

(You'll all be glad to know that I've got loads of these.........)

[Chaff 3,619]

 

[bob.243 8,755]

44 minutes ago, Chaff said:

 

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=video&cd=12&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjz9amchZzYAhXCDcAKHVemCpU4ChC3AggsMAE&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DKBcqd3cFRDU&usg=AOvVaw09z9c3xfOFLwI2IDpQMDV7