Funny Joke Thread

[Mister Gain 1,764]

A sad story

 

A couple of years ago, one night I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my room mate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. It totally ruined the mood. I didn't know Joseph that well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had got a shard of glass in his eye, causing him serious injuries to that eye, and he was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months.

Suddenly he disappeared, along with my girlfriend, apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down but never could.

In conclusion...
If it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago.
Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from cotton eye Joe?

[peterhunter86 8,627]

World's best fairytale. 

 

Boy meet's girl boy fall's in love with girl boy asks girl to marry him girl says no boy lives happily ever after.

[Foxpack 2 7,853]

‪What's the difference between Ant and Dec and lesbian sex? 

‪f**k all.

‪They're both just a couple of c**ts bouncing off of each other.
 

[Mister Gain 1,764]

Paddy walks into a pub, the bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"

Paddy says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and Paddy proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, you don't have to order three at a time, I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

Paddy says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week Paddy came in and ordered three beers, then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

Paddy said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[Blackbriar 8,569]

As I was walking along the river today, I saw a hippy drowning !

I thought about helping him, but he was too far out, man..........

 

(Where did I put that cloak room receipt ?)

[forest of dean redneck 11,715]

They have bought out advent calendar for Jehovah witnesses ,

every time they open a door the writing inside tells them to fcuk off!!?

[Foxpack 2 7,853]

Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers.

"We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them.

The priests look at each other before they speak. "We'll do it."
 

[The one 8,506]

Why Irish Eyes Are Full Of Laughter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Irish eyes are full of laughter~~

 

 

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. 

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

 

 

 

 

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'  The man said, 'I do, Father.'  The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'  Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'  'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.  'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.  Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'  O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'  The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'  O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

 

 

 

Paddy was in New York ..  He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.  He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.  After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

 

 

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.  'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'  'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

 

 

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.  He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'  'Just water,' says the priest.  The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'  The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

 

 

 

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'  'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'  'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'  'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'  She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

 

 

 

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.  He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.  Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.  He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..  In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.  She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'  Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?'  'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[hawki 1,431]

Dirty Derek our local flasher was thinking about retiring,

but he's decided to stick it out for another year!

[bob.243 9,050]

[bob.243 9,050]

[sandymere 8,263]

Oxygen and magnesium got together! I was like OMg!  I thought oxygen and potassium were OK

Edited December 14, 2017 by sandymere

[Squirrel_Basher 17,100]

My all time favourite and apologies if it's been up before .

Paddys wife had never had an orgasm so after years of frustration they both went to the doctor .Doc refers them to a sex clinic where after tests it was disovered the wife was overheating during sex causing the lack of a finish .

Paddy being tight didnt' want to spend out on a fan so asked his mate to pop round and cool her down with a  towel during sex.After hours of shagging and no orgasm, his mate suggests that he should have a go and paddy use the towel to cool her and  within minutes the wife is screaming in ecstasy. 

Paddy turns to his mate and says "and that my friend is how you waft a f***ing towel ".

[walshie 2,804]

Son: Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: It's coz your Mum loves Easter. It's an anagram.

Son: Thanks Dad.

Dad: No problem Alan. 

[Mister Gain 1,764]

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas, ASDA have announced that this year they will be selling Reindeer steaks.

Not to be outdone, another supermarket chain will be selling LIDL Donkey.