Funny Joke Thread

[krawnden 1,036]

Krawnden Socks & Fluff are away on there hols when the plane crashes into the jungle they are the only survivors & get captured by local cannibals & taken to there village. They all get thrown into a big pot when Fluff bursts out crying & begging for mercy. The chief tells them that he is very partial to eating cock & if they can fill the bread roll his wife bakes they can go free. The wife brings out a 21" loaf. Krawnden gets his nob out 11" Socks gets his nob out 9" then Fluff gets his out 1". True to his word the chief sets them free & as they trek through the jungle Krawnden says thank god i had 11" Socks says thank god i had 9" & Fluff says thank god i had a Hard on !!!

 

I wish....

[Kay 3,709]

Best news for ages ... I should have my allotment in a couple of weeks :-) but ......

 

A word of warning.....

 

Bloke up the allotment dug up what he thought were a load of onions he took them home and cooked and ate them. Turns out they were daffodil bulbs. They made him very sick and he is in hospital. Doctors say that there is no need to worry though. He will be out in Spring :-D

[walshie 2,804]

A woman gets on the bus with her baby. The bus driver says to her, "Eww. That's one ugly baby you've got there."

 

Livid, she walks to the back of the bus and sits down. She says to the woman next to her, "The driver just insulted me."

 

The woman next to her says "Well go and give him a piece of your mind. Go on. I'll hold your monkey for you,"

[marshman 7,757]

A woman gets on the bus with her baby. The bus driver says to her, "Eww. That's one ugly baby you've got there."

 

Livid, she walks to the back of the bus and sits down. She says to the woman next to her, "The driver just insulted me."

 

The woman next to her says "Well go and give him a piece of your mind. Go on. I'll hold your monkey for you,"

?

[Mister Gain 1,764]

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a
burglar sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head
with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said, "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next
door has still got my bloody shovel."

[ferretingnewbie 66]

3am there's a knock at the door, the wife says

"quick go down and see who it is"...

He goes down opens the door and there's a man there.. "Hello mate, sorry it's early, can you give me a push?"

"No way it's 3 in the bloody morning piss off!"

"Please mate!"

"No!!"

"Come on... Please!!"

"No!! f**k off"!!

slams the door shut and goes upstairs.

"Who was that she asks"?

"Some tramp wanting a push I told him to piss off!"

Ahh that's not nice, go and help him! How would you like it if you broke down and needed help?

"For f**k sake"! He gets dressed, goes down down stairs and opens the door but no ones there it's just dark...

"Where are ya?!".......

 

"I'm over here... On the swing!!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

I remember when I was a kid waiting for santa to come....

Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left

[Blackbriar 8,569]

A black fella got run over by a bus today, right outside my front door !

I thought "That could easily have been me !"

 

 

 

Then I remembered that I can't drive a bus........

[Blackbriar 8,569]

Today's interesting fact.......

 

Believe it or not, Barack Obama, Lewis Hamilton and Sir Trevor McDonald all had the same nickname at school.

 

 

 

N***er !

[smithie 2,443]

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bar tender says "but you're a duck".
The duck says "I see your eyes work OK".
The bar tender says "and you can talk too".
The duck says " and your ears work fine also, could I please have a beer and a sandwich".
The bar tender says "where did you come from?"
The duck says "I'm working on the building site across the road".
So the bar tender gets the duck a beer and a sandwich, and the duck pays him.
This goes on every lunch time for a few weeks.
One day a circus comes to town and the ringmaster drops in to the bar for a drink.
The bar tender says "you're from the circus aren't you?”
"Yes I am" says the ringmaster.
"Would you be interested in a duck that can talk?"
"Talk?"
"Yes, talk. Perfect English".
"Well I sure would be if it's true" says the ringmaster.
Next day the duck comes in and orders a beer and a sandwich as usual.
The barman says to the duck "how would like a job at the circus? Great pay and lifestyle"
"The circus?" asks the duck. "With the great big canvas 'big-top'. And the animals in cages?"
"Yes" says the bartender.
The duck replies "what the f*ck would the circus want with a plasterer?"

[smithie 2,443]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Melbourne and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the barman, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm 45/70, he's Troy. Two VB's please."

The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to America next month," says 45/70. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Troy?" Troy agrees.

"Ah, America!" says the barman. "Wonderful country... New York, L.A, Vegas..."

"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says 45/70. "Meat pies and VB, that's us, eh Troy? And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to America?" asks the barman.

"It's the only chance Troy gets to drive."

[bird 9,872]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Melbourne and park themselves on a bar stool.

 

One of them says to the barman, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm 45/70, he's Troy. Two VB's please."

 

The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

 

"Off to America next month," says 45/70. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Troy?" Troy agrees.

 

"Ah, America!" says the barman. "Wonderful country... New York, L.A, Vegas..."

 

"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says 45/70. "Meat pies and VB, that's us, eh Troy? And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so arrogant and rude."

 

"So why keep going to America?" asks the barman.

 

"It's the only chance Troy gets to drive."

[bird 9,872]

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a

burglar sneaking through next door's garden.

 

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head

with a shovel killing him instantly.

 

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

 

Astonished, I got back into bed.

 

My wife said, "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"

 

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next

door has still got my bloody shovel."

[neil cooney 10,416]

Lad says to his mate, "Can you keep a secret ?."

"Yeh, of course." his mate replies.

Lad says "Don't tell anyone, but I've been have sex regularly with a pair of twins."

"You lucky, lucky b*****d, " his mate replies "but how can you tell them apart ?"

Lad replies "It's easy, Jennifer's got long blonde hair and Derek's got a penis."

[walshie 2,804]

A man wasn't feeling well so went to the doctor for a check up.

He did a lot of tests and waited.

The doctor came back in and said "I have very bad news. You are seriously ill and don't have long to live.."

"How long do I have Doc?"

"Ten....."

"Ten what? Years? Months? What?"

"Nine..eight..seven.."

[lurcherman 887 13,099]

Father xmas visits a childrens hospital he gets to the first sick child he has no arms father xmas sais what do you want for xmas son the boy says i want some arms so i can play tennis and swim and do all the things normal boys do . Sure enough father xmas sprinkles some magic dust and the boy has arms. Gets to the next boy with no legs and says what do you want lad .the boy says i want some legs so i can play football and do all the things normal boys can , father xmas sprinkles some dust and sure enough he has legs.. He gets to the next bed and its just a little black head on the pillow father xmas says what do you want for xmas boy . The black boy says i want a body father xmas so i can do all.the stuff normal boys so . Santa goes into his magic dust bag and its empty . He says sorry lad ive run out of magic dust but heres some string you can be a conker ?