Funny Joke Thread

[The one 8,463]

After insulting her food once too often.

The Wife's not Cooking for me tonight.............

*

Well, it's either that or the Smoke Alarm's f****d.

[The one 8,463]

A woman was in Hospital.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding Postage Stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina".

"The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't Postage Stamps My Dear, they're Banana Stickers

[The one 8,463]

I was having sex with a girl last night. We did it doggy style and it lasted one hour and thirty minutes...
That's four and a half minutes in human time

[The one 8,463]

Near my house lives a really hot deaf girl. I often see her walking her dog while I'm out walking mine. Wanting to start a conversation, I started learning sign language. I tried to learn 'You are beautiful and I'd love to take you out for dinner.'

That was hard, so I trained my dog to shag hers and I just pointed

[The one 8,463]

I was unable to satisfy the girlfriend in bed last night, so after a big fall-out, she ended up in the spare room, finishing herself off with a vibrator.
I hate having to go out to work after we have a night like that.
It takes me twenty minutes to get the battery back in the car.

[The one 8,463]

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex."I think my 'member' is too small for my wife's minge" he says.The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.Aaaahhh. There's your problem, Lager It shrinks things down below like your cock, you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big
smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks
him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.
"No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager and her minge fits perfect!"

[The one 8,463]

A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device.
The penis has slipped down to second spot

[The one 8,463]

I went to a Chinese massage parlour.
Beautiful Chinese lady started to massage my chest.
Slowly the towel started to rise.
O she said as she whipped the towel away.
I see you want wankee.
Yes please I replied all exited.
10 minutes later she put her head round the door and said.
Have you finished yet.

[The one 8,463]

Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that's how us guys feel about push-up bras!

[The one 8,463]

Women constantly carry on about how they can fake an orgasm for the sake of the relationship....
But we all know the real heroes are men.
We can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm..

[The one 8,463]

JOCK got arrested in Switzerland for murder today.... JOCK said to the police, "I thought assisted suicide wasn't against the law here?"
The officer replied, "Under Swiss law, assisted suicides require medical supervision. You strangled your wife as soon as the plane touched down.

[The one 8,463]

I was driving through an industrial estate today and I saw a big sign that said "Joe's Tool Works".
I thought, "So does mine but I don't put up a big f***ing sign bragging about it."

[The one 8,463]

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin . A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down,
'I don't know.
You put down, ˜Neither do I".

[The one 8,463]

An Italian tourist asks Paddy : "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which Paddy replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the f****n boat.

[The one 8,463]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.
"For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
“Oh!”, she said, "No point asking about the beard then..