Funny Joke Thread

[Guest Ronny]

"Will you shut up about snooker and make love to me, " said my wife.

 

"Of course darling I replied, "would you prefer I took the easy pink or shall I try for the tight brown?"

[peterhunter86 8,627]

Johnny dies in a house fire and was that badly burned it was hard to idedentify him so his two mates dogfox and andy kelly are called two the mourge to see can they identify the body andy goes in first and after a few mins asks can they turn the body over so he can have a look at its backside and after seen its backside instantly says thats not johnny and leaves the room then dogfox goes in and says and does the same as andy and leaves the room outside the docter asks how did yous know it wasnt your mate just by looking at his backside to which they replied becouse everywhere we went people would say theres johnny with the two arseholes.

Edited January 22, 2017 by peterhunter86

[BGD 6,436]

A redneck was stopped by a game warden just north of Kentuckys Lake Cumberland recently with two ice chests of fish.

 

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

 

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These are my pet fish."

 

"Pet fish?"

 

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

 

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

 

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

 

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

 

The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

 

"Well, whut?" said the redneck.

 

"When are you going to call them back?"

 

"Call who back?"

 

"The FISH!"

 

"What fish?"

[brambles 3,250]

Mary says to her mother " I've had 6 kids and feel as if my fanny is a bit loose and I don't think Bert gets a lot out of making love to me now, would you have a look and see what you think mum" "No" replies the mum, " take the bathroom mirror off the wall and place it on the floor remove your knickers stand over the mirror and look yourself" so Mary's in the bathroom examine her fanny with the door ajar when Bert walks past, he bursts in and pushes Mary violently into the bath, "for Christ sake Bert you nearly broke my arm there" "break your arm Mary if you'd fell down that f@cking hole in the bathroom floor you'd have broke more than an arm"

[Haiddheliwr 1,911]

Johnny dies in a house fire and was that badly burned it was hard to idedentify him so his two mates dogfox and andy kelly are called two the mourge to see can they identify the body andy goes in first and after a few mins asks can they turn the body over so he can have a look at its backside and after seen its backside instantly says thats not johnny and leaves the room then dogfox goes in and says and does the same as andy and leaves the room outside the docter asks how did yous know it wasnt your mate just by looking at his backside to which they replied becouse everywhere we went people would say theres johnny with the two arseholes.

[Haiddheliwr 1,911]

Love the names of his two mates Peter lol

[forest of dean redneck 11,623]

If someone starts shooting at president trump

Will his bodyguards shout Donald Duck ?

[coverdogs 888]

Young couple just married moves in with the grand parents

They went upstairs to the bedroom and haven't been seen for a week or so

the old man says to his wife what are those two been living on all week

i haven't seen them down stairs at all

the old lady replies they are living on the fruits of love

the old guy replies

i wish they would stop throwing the skins out the window

the old dog is choking on them.

[Blackbriar 8,569]

 

Elton John want to the tattoo parlour, and asked the fella to do a Rolls Royce on his cock.

The tattooist said "You'd be better off with a Land Rover - they don't get stuck in the 5hit."

[Mister Gain 1,764]

Mick... "What rhymes with orange?"

 

Paddy... "No it fcuking doesn't."

[neil cooney 10,416]

Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other "How do you drive this thing ?"

[Haiddheliwr 1,911]

OH Neil!!!!!

[greg64 2,842]

Mick... "What rhymes with orange?"

 

Paddy... "No it fcuking doesn't."

does any thing actually rhyme with orange

[Mister Gain 1,764]

 

Mick... "What rhymes with orange?"

 

Paddy... "No it fcuking doesn't."

does any thing actually rhyme with orange

 

 

Yes, 'sporange', In botany, the case or sac in plants in which the spores, which are equivalent to the seeds of flowering plants, are produced or carried. Also sporangium.

[neil cooney 10,416]

Mick... "What rhymes with orange?"

 

Paddy... "No it fcuking doesn't."

That reminds me of the old hard to get joke................Two women in a bath together.

One says "Wears the soap ?"

The other replies "It does, doesn't it."