Funny Joke Thread

[Paulnix 426]

A very sad day today.

 

After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.

 

What a waste of all that training and money.

 

A genuinely nice guy and an excellent vet.

Saw this on a different forum and the next post made it, seems the guy didn't get the joke :

 

I'm not making light of this but when you say he was a vet and he slept with a patient, then that would imply that his indiscretion was with an animal???

[Blackbriar 8,569]

[The one 8,477]

Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 am
and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on
the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

[The one 8,477]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

 

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

 

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

 

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

 

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

"Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

[Mister Gain 1,764]

Ethel checked into a Motel on her 60th Birthday, she was lonely,

a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone

books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy

calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted

physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy

hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt

quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns .........

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

 

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right

in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my

motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you.

I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot,

and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in

your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in

chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm

ready! Now how does that sound?"

 

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic,

but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[forest of dean redneck 11,598]

To stop any more gossip yes I was arrested for assault on New Year's Eve ,

In my defence if you was stood at nearly midnight next to a rucksack wearing Muslim shouting 10,9,8,7,6

You would done the same.

[forest of dean redneck 11,598]

There was a knock at the door,when I answered it a 6ft tall beetle punched me in the face and called me a prick,

Apparently there is a nasty bug going around.

[neil cooney 10,416]

FOR FUCKS SAKE.

354 DAYS 'TILL CHRISTMAS AND SOME OF MY NEIGHBOURS ALREADY HAVE THEIR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP.

[Blackbriar 8,569]

 

 

My bereavement counsellor died yesterday, but he was so good I didn't give a f*** !

[Blackbriar 8,569]

I've put a lot of weight on over Christmas, so I made an emergency call to Weight Watchers.

 

I said " Can you send someone round ?"

 

They said "Of course - we've got lots of those !"

[Blackbriar 8,569]

And another in my occasional series of "Write your own punchline".....

 

We saw our neighbour's daughter on her way out for a night on the town - all dolled up and looking very sexy !

 

My wife said "I can see myself in her."

 

And I thought.....

[abarrett 462]

Farted on the bus today

4 people turned round

I felt just like I was on the voice

[neil cooney 10,416]

Young man, not long married, pushing a shopping trolley around a supermarket bumps into an ol' boy pushing a trolley too.

"Sorry, about that" says the ol' boy "but I'm looking for my wife".

"There's a coincidence" say the young chap "I'm looking for my wife too. Have you seen her ? Wearing tight shorts, long blonde hair, tight vest, big chest ??

What does your wife look like ?"

"f**k her" says the ol' boy "Lets look for your wife."

[Blackbriar 8,569]

 

I bought my vegan friend a beautiful, antique cookery book. He said he couldn't accept it, as it was leather-bound.....

 

 

 

...Which made it too heavy for him to lift !

[peterhunter86 8,627]

I remeber the last time i worked on a site like that there was three shovels against the wall and the gaffer told me to take my pick it confusesd fook out of me.