Funny Joke Thread

[DIDO.1 22,552]

[hawki 1,431]

[stumfelter 3,034]

1 hour ago, hawki said:

That would be so much funnier if they were great tits instead of blue tits. Sorry to be so pedantic....

[Foxpack 2 7,849]

[waltjnr 6,574]

2 hours ago, Foxpack 2 said:

Yeah and all your female family are size zero ?

[ryaldinhio 4,491]

2 hours ago, Foxpack 2 said:

Actually used to say, time to harpoon me a whale

[Foxpack 2 7,849]

6 hours ago, waltjnr said:

Yeah and all your female family are size zero ?

Nope , but it's just a joke .

Edited July 13, 2020 by Foxpack 2
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[Mickey Finn 3,001]

[dytkos 17,783]

2 hours ago, Mickey Finn said:

Brilliant!

Cheers, D.

[Ted Newgent 4,896]

[Dougieboy 250]

 duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again.
"With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...... 
"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?

[Ted Newgent 4,896]

Groan

[Ted Newgent 4,896]

[peterhunter86 8,627]

22 hours ago, Dougieboy said:

 duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again.
"With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...... 
"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?

I started giggling well before the end, I knew I was going to piss meself laughing for some reason  

 

 

Edited July 14, 2020 by peterhunter86

[Mickey Finn 3,001]