Funny Joke Thread

[Bosun11 537]

This ones best said or read with an Aussie accent.

 

Outback radio DJ...

 

"G.day folks and another day here on Outback radio. Today were gonna play a little word association game, to win a top prize! All you need to do is find a word thats not in the dictionary and put it into a sentence an the best one wins the prize..!"

 

"Ok folks we got our first caller on line1. G.day line1?"

 

"G.day mate."

 

Have you got a word for us?"

 

"I have mate, the word is garrn."

 

"Thats a strange word can you spell it?"

 

"I can mate, its G.A.R.R.N. garrn."

 

"Ok, we've checked and its not in the dictionary, so can you put it into a scentence?"

 

"I can mate, GARRN f**k yerself..!"

 

 

 

"So sorry about that listerners, we've just had a silly caller on line one but not to worry, we've got another caller on line2... G.day line2?"

 

"G.day mate."

 

"Now have you got a word for us?"

 

"I have mate."

 

"And whats your word?"

 

"The word is smee. Thats S.M.E.E, smee."

 

"Well thats a very strange word, we've checked and its not in the dictionary, so can you put it into a scentence for me?"

 

"I can mate, SMEE again, GARRN f**k yerself..!!!"

 

[forest of dean redneck 11,598]

Like for bosun,lol

[Haiddheliwr 1,911]

Excellent bosun!!!

[peterhunter86 8,627]

Fcuk brill bosun

[neil cooney 10,416]

Also best told with an Aussie accent.........

An Aussie visits a New Zealand sheep station. He looks over the wall one morn' and here's a Kiwi doing very rude things to a sheep.

"wat ya doin mate ?"

"I'm shaggin' a sheep,"

"Back in Oz we shear them."

"We'll ya cen get yer bleedy own."

Edited August 30, 2016 by neil cooney

[coverdogs 888]

Paddy's back packing around switzerland on his way to the yodeling festival

he turns up at this little farm house and asked can you put me up for the night please

the farmer replies you will have to share a room with my daughter but if you promise not to sleep with her you can stay the night

Paddy gives the farmer his word that he wont touch the girl and settles down for the night

The next morning the farmer is up early to do the milking when he is finished he goes to the bedroom to call paddy

But paddy is gone the daughter is lying there grinning from ear to ear

furious the farmer gets the shotgun and heads out the door looking for paddy

paddy has a head start and is just reaching the top of the mountain the farmer knowing he wont catch up with him shouts

paddy you dirty b.....d you shagged the daughter

and paddy from the top of the mountain yodels

 

ANDYOUROLDLADYTOOOOO

[neil cooney 10,416]

A farmer buys a nice pony mare at the mart and brings her home. The only place he has to put her is in a shed with the bull.

The farmer thinks he saw the bull looking lustfully at the pony so just to be sure he gets a white sheet and puts it over the pony's hindquarters.

The next morning the farmer is sitting at the table reading the paper when his son comes in from milking.

The farmer asks "Did ya check in on the bull Son ?"

"Yes" says the son "I see ya bought a nice mare".

"Aye" says the farmer.

"Tell me this" says the son "why has she got a white handkerchief sticking out of her arse ?"

[trigger2 3,145]

paddy and murphy are in the wild west and are about to enter a saloon for a drink when paddy spots a poster on the wall. on this poster is a picture of a man and its says wanted rapist $10,000 reward at this point paddy turns to murphy and says feck me it a shame we didnt look like him, some people get all the best jobs.

[bird 9,898]

Fcuk brill bosun

yup

[Blackbriar 8,569]

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.

 

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.

 

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

[dark-destroyer-85 636]

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.

 

On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.

 

He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"

 

The dad answered, "Playing Cards".

 

Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"

 

The dad answered, "Your mom".

 

Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?"

 

The sister answered, "Playing Cards."

 

Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"

 

She answered, "My boyfriend."

 

A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally).

 

As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "What are you doing?"

 

Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."

 

The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"

 

Little Johnny answered,... "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!.

[neil cooney 10,416]

Two hill billies out in the woods shooting turkeys when one of them feels a pain in his chest and holding his chest falls over.

The other panics and rings 911.

Operator = "What service do you require."

Hillbilliy = "Paramedics ,I think ma friends died."

Operator = "Are you sure sir. First make sure he's dead."

 

BANG, BANG.

 

Hillbilly = "Yup, he dead for sure now."

[Mister Gain 1,764]

[Blackbriar 8,569]

A professor of anatomy is holding a lecture to his new students. Standing over a cross, he addresses the class.

"To be successful in forensics, you need two things" he tells them. "First, you must have no fear."

He steps forward, shoves his finger up the corpse's backside and licks it, before telling the students to do the same. After an uneasy silence, the students file past, and copy him.

 

"Professor" pipes up of the students "you said we would need two things. What is the second ?"

 

"An acute sense of observation" he replies. "How many of you noticed that I inserted my middle finger, but licked my index finger ?"

[scothunter 12,609]

Old get german biology teacher is in class.

 

Lad says is it true sir if you cut a worm in half,,it grows into two seperate worms?

 

NOT IF ZE CUT ZEM LEGHTH VEWS!