Funny Joke Thread

[marshman 7,757]

https://youtu.be/SAVRFy3iS5A

 

Old but still makes me laugh ?

[neil cooney 10,416]

A little boy gets lost at the super market and the security guard says to him "What's your mother like ?"

The little boy replies "Cock and vodka."

[Mister Gain 1,764]

A young woman started work in the small English Village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms; they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".

The first day was fine, but on the second day a large black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.

The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament

.

"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.

She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs. "Yes!" she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!"

The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner!"

[peterhunter86 8,627]

A black boy goes into the kitchen were his mama is baking a pie so the boy puts his hands in the flour and covers his face an says look mama i is a white boy horrified his mama slaps him an tells him to go tell his grandma what hes done then his grandma slaps the boy an sends him in to tell his grandpa when he tells grandpa what hes done he slaps him then asks him has he learned anything from it which the boy replies i is only been a white boy five minutes and i already hate use black bastwards

[forest of dean redneck 11,531]

I rang 999 because 2 girls were

fighting over me, the operator asked

"Whats the emergency?" I said "The

f****n ugly ones winning!..

[bob.243 8,545]

[kanny 20,420]

an English man , irish man and scotts man walk into a bar. The English man wants to leave so they all have to .....

The Scottish shad sec, the Welsh shad sec & the Northern Irish shad sec walked into a bar and the barman said "what can I get you Jeremy?"

[The one 8,463]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right-butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverblack gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested: "Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does."

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door and shoved her in. "Now Tell him you have a headache..."

[The one 8,463]

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”

Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said, “First - You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the shit out of them!!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years." His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but I am busy, you will have to be a little patient".

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat

Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi’us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

[DIDO.1 22,581]

I hate racism and bigotry . I think we should all unite....blacks, whites, yellows and mongs.

 

And then we should all together kick shit out of the Pakis.

[DIDO.1 22,581]

Walshie has recently found a new use for sheep.....meat and wool

[BGD 6,436]

 

an English man , irish man and scotts man walk into a bar. The English man wants to leave so they all have to .....

The Scottish shad sec, the Welsh shad sec & the Northern Irish shad sec walked into a bar and the barman said "what can I get you Jeremy?"

 

 

The rest of the Shadow Cabinet walks in and the barman says "And what can I get you Mr McDonnell?"

[Blackbriar 8,569]

I see Jeremy Corbyn got himself a new allotment........ I'll bet it's a communist plot !

Edited July 5, 2016 by Blackbriar

[forest of dean redneck 11,531]

During a night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the womans nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when youre jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. She whispers in his ear: "Thats me before the surgery.":)

[Mister Gain 1,764]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."