Funny Joke Thread

[DIDO.1 22,647]

[trigger2 3,137]

2 hours ago, DIDO.1 said:

Ffs. It’s a warped old world we live in

[dytkos 17,784]

Cheers, D.

 

[dytkos 17,784]

Cheers, D.

 

[dytkos 17,784]

David Beckham gets into a taxi...  "Heathrow Airport please driver" he says.   After few minutes he spots the driver giving him a few looks in the rear view mirror.   Driver says "come on mate, give us a clue...
"Beckham replies "Had a great career at Man Utd, Real Madrid, played in Italy and America, and won over 100 caps for England....
"Driver says "No you thick c**t, what terminal?"..

Cheers, D.

[dytkos 17,784]

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt wagon last night. "You dozy f***ing twat" I shouted, through gritted teeth.

Cheers, D.

[dytkos 17,784]

The inventor of the USB stick has died 

At his funeral they gently lowered the coffin, then pulled it back up, turned it the other way, then lowered it again.

Cheers, D.

[Ted Newgent 4,896]

[dytkos 17,784]

 

Me and the wife have just been to the cinema to see that film Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park we rushed in and caught the credits...

Cheers, D.

[dytkos 17,784]

Just phoned the wife. 

"I'm just about to finish work babe, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" 

She immediately hung up on me. 

Mind you, I think she's still bitter and probably regrets letting me name the twins. 

Cheers, D.

[dytkos 17,784]

Crimewatch:48 year old Javed Ali was brutally stabbed and after 2 weeks lying in a coma his family made the agonising decision to shut the shop and go visit him

Cheers, D.

[patterdale 673]

A hunter was out with his dog Old Faithful when he sees a duck and shoots it down. 
Old Faithful runs and brings his back the duck. 
As the hunter reaches for the duck a forest ranger comes by snatches the duck out of Old Faithfuls mouth puts his finger in its ass pulls it out smells his finger and says
"This here is a Wisconsin duck, do you have a license to shoot Wisconsin ducks?" 
The hunter reaches into his wallet and pulls out a license for a Wisconsin duck.
The officer says "thank you, sir, have a great day and leaves." 
The hunter then proceeds with Old Faithful when he sees another duck, takes as I'm and shoots it down. 
Old Faithful runs grab the duck and come back. 
The hunters about to grab the duck when the same forest ranger comes back, grabs the duck out of the dog's mouth take his finger puts it up the ducks ass, pulls it out smells his finger and says 
"This is an Ohio duck, have you got a license to shoot Ohio ducks, sir?"
The hunter reaches into his wallet and pulls out a license for an Ohio duck. 
The officer looks at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, just doing my job, have a nice day," and leaves.
Well, this kept happening over and over. 
Every time the hunter shot a duck and Old Faithful would bring it back, the Same forest ranger would be there to question the hunter if he had a license for all the different ducks he shot, and in his bewilderment seeing the hunter having all these different licenses for each duck. 
Well on the last duck the hunter shot and Old Faithful bringing it back, the Same forest ranger comes and triumphantly snatches the duck out of the dogs mouth, takes his finger puts it up the ducks ass, smells it and says
"This here is a Canadian duck, have you got a license to shoot Canadian duck?"
Exasperated, the hunter reaches into his wallet and pulls out a license for a Canadian duck. 
The forest ranger looks at the hunter and says, "you know sir, you've had a license for every duck you shot, tell me, where are You from?"
The hunter turns around, drops his pants, bends over and says, "You tell me! You're the Expert!"

[forest of dean redneck 11,550]

[neil b 2,296]

[forest of dean redneck 11,550]