Foxpack 2 7,850 Posted March 24, 2018 Report Share Posted March 24, 2018 DOCTOR... "The tests came back, you're obese".... 60 STONE GUY... "Yeah, it runs in my family"... DOCTOR... "No one runs in your family you fat piece of shit". 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blackmaggie 3,376 Posted March 24, 2018 Report Share Posted March 24, 2018 What do you call a Afghan virgin Never bin laid on 1 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
walshie 2,804 Posted April 2, 2018 Report Share Posted April 2, 2018 Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere.... A Russian spy, an IRA sympathiser and a racist walk into a bar. The barman says "Good evening Mr Corbyn, The usual is it?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Foxpack 2 7,850 Posted April 2, 2018 Report Share Posted April 2, 2018 A young p***y girl was sitting chatting to her mum the night before her wedding. "I'd like to talk to you about your wedding night. Your husband will want to put his prized possession where you pee" said the mum. "I'm confused mum. Why would he want to put his tarmac rake in the sink?" 1 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
blackmaggie 3,376 Posted April 3, 2018 Report Share Posted April 3, 2018 (edited) My Mrs said I look fat in this please pay me a compliment I said your eye sights good I had a argument with the Mrs over sex so I told her when she dies I'm going put on herheadstone here lies my wife and as cold as ever the bitch laughed and said if I die first it will say on my headstone here lies my husband stiff at last Edited April 3, 2018 by blackmaggie 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mister Gain 1,764 Posted April 4, 2018 Report Share Posted April 4, 2018 Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive. When I got to the door I couldn’t jump. So the 6ft 7" black instructor unzips his fly & drops out his 14" dick & says if you don’t jump, you're going to get this baby up your arse !...... Mick asks “Did you jump?” Paddy replies “A little bit when it first went in”. 1 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,469 Posted April 4, 2018 Report Share Posted April 4, 2018 Subject: The Irish Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finally, Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell� him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet???" says Gallagher. "I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." He goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him," says Gallagher. Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels. "Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do." O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done." "Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland.� Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity." O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?" An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what� happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
peterhunter86 8,627 Posted April 4, 2018 Report Share Posted April 4, 2018 11 minutes ago, The one said: Subject: The Irish Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finally, Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell� him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet???" says Gallagher. "I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." He goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him," says Gallagher. Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels. "Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do." O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done." "Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland.� Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity." O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?" An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what� happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes." Very Good. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Foxpack 2 7,850 Posted April 4, 2018 Report Share Posted April 4, 2018 I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blackbriar 8,569 Posted April 4, 2018 Report Share Posted April 4, 2018 I used to suffer really badly with paranoia......... ..............then I realised I wasn't alone ! 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bob.243 8,668 Posted April 5, 2018 Report Share Posted April 5, 2018 4 1 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Foxpack 2 7,850 Posted April 5, 2018 Report Share Posted April 5, 2018 When a woman says "ready in 5 minutes" and a man says "home in 5 minutes" they mean exactly the same thing. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bob.243 8,668 Posted April 11, 2018 Report Share Posted April 11, 2018 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bob.243 8,668 Posted April 15, 2018 Report Share Posted April 15, 2018 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
marshman 7,757 Posted April 15, 2018 Report Share Posted April 15, 2018 For the first few weeks of weightwatchers your just finding your feet ! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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