beast 1,884 Posted September 30, 2017 Report Share Posted September 30, 2017 The mrs says "do you fancy a 69" I said "how about a 68" What's that?" She asked I said "give me a blow job and I owe you one" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blackbriar 8,569 Posted October 3, 2017 Report Share Posted October 3, 2017 About a month before he died, my dad insisted on having lard smeared all over his back. He went downhill really fast after that...... 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mister Gain 1,764 Posted October 4, 2017 Report Share Posted October 4, 2017 The kids keep taking the p1ss out of my Alzheimers. It won't be so funny when they wake up on Christmas morning and there's no eggs under the bonfire. 8 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,493 Posted October 4, 2017 Report Share Posted October 4, 2017 Subject: Donald Trump dies and goes to hell.... One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. all he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got his problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton , lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said........... "OK, Monica, you're free to go." 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,493 Posted October 4, 2017 Report Share Posted October 4, 2017 These workmen are installing bollards to stop nurses from parking on the pavement outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast . They are cleaning up at the end of the day. How long do you think it will be before they realise that they can't go home? This is a real photograph! 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,493 Posted October 4, 2017 Report Share Posted October 4, 2017 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
forest of dean redneck 11,686 Posted October 12, 2017 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2017 Said to the bird at the bus stop when's it due? She replied I'm not pregnant you arsehole So I responded I meant the bus you fat cow Lol 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dave88 1,565 Posted October 13, 2017 Report Share Posted October 13, 2017 Pretty apt joke for this forum Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar... You can't tell me that's just a coincidence 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
patterdale 673 Posted October 13, 2017 Report Share Posted October 13, 2017 Was invited to a mad house party tonight where the girl whose house it was being held in told everyone in advance that when she got pissed she was going to snort her dead Nan's ashes??? What a letdown...... She only managed half a gran!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mister Gain 1,764 Posted October 14, 2017 Report Share Posted October 14, 2017 Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... 'BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed! 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bob.243 8,993 Posted October 15, 2017 Report Share Posted October 15, 2017 On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought The teacher a basket of assorted fruit. The... florist's son brought the teacher a Bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the Teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking A little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?" "No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!" . 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bob.243 8,993 Posted October 16, 2017 Report Share Posted October 16, 2017 . 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blackbriar 8,569 Posted October 26, 2017 Report Share Posted October 26, 2017 Will the 2020 Paralympics have events for the blind ? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blackbriar 8,569 Posted November 7, 2017 Report Share Posted November 7, 2017 A Foreign legionnaire is sent to his desert posting, for a 2 year stint. When he arrives, the CO tells him "There are no women anywhere nearby, so you will have to make use of the camels !" After 3 months he can stand it no longer, and sneaks off in the night to the camel enclosure, and fulfills his manly urge. The following morning, he is called to the CO who wants to know what he was doing there. The legionnaire says "You told me that I should make use of the camels, sir." The CO says "I did - but most of us ride them into town !" 3 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mister Gain 1,764 Posted November 7, 2017 Report Share Posted November 7, 2017 A fight broke out at a big Irish wedding, with the Garda attending. In the court the judge asked "Can anyone tell me how the fight started exactly?" Paddy put up his hand and said "I can judge." "OK Paddy" says the judge "tell us in your own time." Paddy explains "I was best man at this wedding and I was dancing with the bride, we were dancing quite close, and suddenly the groom stormed up and kicked the bride right in the fanny." "Wow" said the judge "that must've hurt." "Hurt" says Paddy "I'll say it hurt, he broke three of my fingers." 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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