Funny Joke Thread

[dave88 1,565]

I got a new stick of deodorant today.

The instructions said 'remove cap and push up bottom'

I can barely walk today but when i fart the room smells lovely

[dave88 1,565]

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess

 

So i made her marry an old guy she'd never met to secure an alliance with the french

[johnny.w 316]

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

[walshie 2,804]

I received a phone call today from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called out-of-the-blue to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic."

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Also, I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge."

"Yeah," I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider now. Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone. Everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I'm developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself."

So I told her to f**k off.

[Haiddheliwr 1,911]

I received a phone call today from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called out-of-the-blue to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic."

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Also, I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge."

"Yeah," I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider now. Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone. Everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I'm developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself."

 

So I told her to f**k off.

Definitely getting better Walshie lol

[johnny.w 316]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

 

The Princess said, "NO !!!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorbikes and banged skinny long-legged, big-titted pole dancers and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky, beer and shots and never heard nagging and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate spam and crisps and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end

[Haiddheliwr 1,911]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

 

The Princess said, "NO !!!"

 

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorbikes and banged skinny long-legged, big-titted pole dancers and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky, beer and shots and never heard nagging and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate spam and crisps and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

 

The end

Brilliant lol

[bob.243 8,545]

.

[johnny.w 316]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my pocket money immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, my iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that...

she actually said..

"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

[Dinosaurs 2,035]

Jonny W. brilliant ? Atb

[neil cooney 10,416]

Teacher asks the kids could any of them put the word "contagious" into a sentence ?

Little Johnny puts up his hand and says "I went to the barber to get my hair cut, and it took the contagious."

[johnny.w 316]

Three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry." Dejected, he turned and walked away.

 

The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny." The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

 

The husband of the third couple overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either."

[johnny.w 316]

A guy was at the local nightclub and he asked a girl to dance. "OK," she replied.

 

"What's your name?" he asked. "Franny," she replied.

 

"That's a nice name, Fanny," he said. "NO, NO, NO, it's Franny, Fanny with an R."

 

"OK, sorry," he replied and they carried on dancing. Later on at the end of the evening, he said, "Can I take you out on a date, Fanny?"

 

"Look," she said. "It's Franny, Fanny with an R." He apologised again.

 

She agreed to meet him the following weekend but she insisted, "You must remember my name - don't forget Fanny with an R."

 

All that week the guy was looking forward to the date and trying really hard to remember her name and not look stupid, saying to himself, "Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R."

 

The weekend arrived and it's time to pick her up for the date. Driving to her house he was saying to himself "Fanny with an R. Fanny with an R." Walking up to the house, he was still saying to himself, "Fanny with an R, Fanny with an R." Nervously he knocked on the door and her father answered.

 

"Hello," he said, smiling. "Is crunt in please?"

[Foxpack 2 7,849]

Fingering my missus, is like trying to retrieve a £1 coin from inside an old leather sofa.

[Jonjon79 13,358]

Fingering my missus, is like trying to retrieve a £1 coin from inside an old leather sofa.

I know