The one 8,479 Posted May 29, 2017 Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 ON GETTING OLDER: Since it was such a crappy day I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life and came to realize that, as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is ... impossible,but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake. Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband. Lance Armstrong….I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike. Drive-By….Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. The sick b*****d!!! The Agony of Aging…. On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked . You're supposed to turn your clock back". Video Scam….Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed. Pregnant Prostitute…Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" Hey dumb ass, she replied, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
smithie 2,443 Posted May 29, 2017 Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,479 Posted May 29, 2017 Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 Paddy I think my wife's selling drugs Mick How come ? Paddy The phone rang this morning , i answered it .And some guy says has the Dope gone yet ?. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jonjon79 13,358 Posted May 29, 2017 Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. They've got to be the daftest feckin jokes on this thread yet but, I'm sat here pissing myself Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Foxpack 2 7,852 Posted May 29, 2017 Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 After buying a cheap Japanese sat nav off eBay I thought I was quids in, but after it told me to turn "reft" at the "rights" I nearly crashed the f***ing car. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ginger beard 4,652 Posted May 29, 2017 Report Share Posted May 29, 2017 the best joke i've ever read or heard was the one about the husband sat on the edge of the bed pulling his boxers off and his wife say's to him ''you really spoil those dogs''. that cracks me up. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bob.243 8,758 Posted June 4, 2017 Report Share Posted June 4, 2017 . 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Haiddheliwr 1,911 Posted June 4, 2017 Report Share Posted June 4, 2017 LOL brilliant mate! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
max_wood 161 Posted June 5, 2017 Report Share Posted June 5, 2017 What's difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One is a large Australian marsupial The others are geordie stuck in a lift Quote Link to post Share on other sites
neil cooney 10,416 Posted June 5, 2017 Report Share Posted June 5, 2017 More of a true story than a joke (supposedly). A traveler I know was interviewed by the social welfare and the girl asked him was he working ? He said "No." She asked him did he ever work ? He said he was once a lumberjack. She asked "Where ?" "The Sahara" he replied. "There's no trees in the Sahara" she said. "Not now" he replied. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,479 Posted June 8, 2017 Report Share Posted June 8, 2017 There was a knock on my door this morning.I opened it to find a young guy standing there who said:"Hello Madam, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."I said "Well, come in and sit down."I offered him coffee and asked "Well, whatdo you want to talk about?"He said, "Beats the f**k out of me, I've never gotten this far before." 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,479 Posted June 8, 2017 Report Share Posted June 8, 2017 Last night I was in a Hampden cab on my way home from the "Toon" ...I thought the driver was going the long way home so I gave him a wee tap on the shoulder... Well!... He let out this high pitched scream like a wee lassie, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the pavement and stopped a few inches from a shop window. For a few seconds everything went really quiet, then he turned round to me with a pure white face and said, "Listen hen don't ever dae that tae me again". So I said to him..."OMG! Sorry! but I only gave you a wee tap on your shoulder, I didn't realize that it would scare you that much". The driver replied, "Sorry Hen it's no your fault, today's ma first day on the job, A've bin driving a feckin' hearse for the last twenty years". 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,479 Posted June 8, 2017 Report Share Posted June 8, 2017 "So you're able to carry shopping to a customers car free of charge?" I asked the guy in Tesco this morning. "Yes." he replied. I said, "Can you carry mine for me?" He said, "Sure." As we walked across the entire distance of the car park, I stopped beside my car and said, "Thanks son, I could've carried it myself but I'm a lazy b*****d." "I gathered that." he replied, "Here's your Kit-Kat." A red Indian introduced me to his wife...."This is four horses....."I said, Wow!That's a beautiful name, What does it mean....?He said,Feckin nag,nag,nag,nag An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, “I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in.” The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. “Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car,” he laments, “and she doesn’t even know how to drive!” The Irishman nods and agrees that these two woman sound really stupid. However, he still thinks his wife is dafter. “Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it,” he chuckles. “Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 50 condoms in there. And the silly bitch doesn’t even have a penis! One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" twice in the same sentence correctly. First, she called on wee Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it" "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on Michael. "My mummy planned a beautiful buffet, and it turned out beautiful." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Johnny. He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told ma da that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful! ; Quote Link to post Share on other sites
FairLead 19 Posted June 9, 2017 Report Share Posted June 9, 2017 Driving down the road yesterday, thought I saw Irish singing legend Van Morrison in my rear view mirror.....felt a right cnut when I realised everything gets reversed in mirrors. ..It was actually a Morrisons van Quote Link to post Share on other sites
walshie 2,804 Posted June 10, 2017 Report Share Posted June 10, 2017 We went to see the Red Arrows last week. There were gasps of "ooh" and "aah" as the crowd watched in amazement. Near miss after near miss had people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief. It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in end my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the airshow. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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