Funny Joke Thread

[The one 8,493]

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

[The one 8,493]

A woman was in labour.
Just as the midwife was about to begin the delivery, the baby stuck it's head out and asked the midwife
" Are you my daddy?"
The astonished midwife was astounded and could only say
"No I'm not"
At this, the baby disappeared back inside
The midwife called the nurse
The nurse came in and once again, the baby stuck it's head out and asked .
Are YOU my daddy?"
"NO. I am not!"
Once again back in he went
At this point hearing all this commotion, the father came in.
Once again the little head appeared.
"Are YOU my daddy?"
"Yes I am"
The baby pushed a little until it was half out, beckoned the father to come up close
When the father was really up close, the baby reached out and stuck his finger in his fathers eye, and shouted
"f****n' hurts doesn't it?!"

[The one 8,493]

My wife came home with a
vibrator, started waving it
about and screamed, "I don't
need you now! I don't need
you now!"
Guess who had to put the
batteries in.

 

My wife asked me for some role play this morning, I said ' will you dress up as a school girl' she said ' do you like a girl in uniform then' I said 'NO, I just want you to piss off til 4.00 oclock this afternoon..

 

I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her hazard lights on...
At least she's honest

[The one 8,493]

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey:)

[The one 8,493]

I can't wait for today to start.It's come to work in a bra and knickers day.
Well, that's what we've told the apprentice!!.

 

 

Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?

When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
"Dancing," she replied.
The first school disco I went to, I got f***ing expelled!!.

 

Employee : Sir, you called me?
Boss : Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.
Employee : (After few mins), done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good,here are my car keys, drop my daughter at home

[The one 8,493]

At a time of crisis when the world is under a massive cyber attack,
just where the f**k is Doctor Who?

 

 

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think

 

My Girlfriend went to the doctors complaining about chapped lips.
Anyway, he gave her some cream and advised her to buy a bigger thong!!.

[Haiddheliwr 1,911]

LOL LOL 10 likes for The one!

[The one 8,493]

I got a phone call from the police, they said "your house has been broken in to, they drank all your beer and shagged your wife!"
I said "I can't believe they shagged her after only 4 cans?

 

Asked a girl in a bar if she fancied a drink and she told me I was wasting my time since she was a lesbian

I asked what that was and she pointed to a girl with a short skirt and great big tits and said she would love to pull her knickers off and bury her tongue deep in her fanny
I said f**k me I must be a lesbian as well

 

 

Have you been injured at work?
Had a car accident?
Fell over on a wet floor?
Tripped on an pavement?
If so..
Sort yourself out, you clumsy b*****d

[The one 8,493]

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mum I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore but down there I am still mourning. He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

[The one 8,493]

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
Trump: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico .."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"
Trump: "Okay, I'll call May and tell her we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Trump ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested..
All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:
MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL.

[The one 8,493]

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight" he said, "What the hell is that"? asked his wife, "You bend over hands on the floor, i pick your legs up and take you from behind" said Paddy, "I'll do it on two conditions" said his wife, "If it hurts you stop straight away...", "and we dont go past my mother's house"

 

I Silently Farted In Bed Last Night And Slowly Lifted Up The Quilt .

After A Few Seconds My wife Shouted "f***ing Hell Rude That Stinks! "

It Must Of Been Pretty Awful , she Was Downstairs At The Time .

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said "is this your wife sir", shocked i answered "yes".
They said "Im afraid it looks likes she's been hit by a bus", I said "I know, but she takes it up the arse,and she's good with the kid

[The one 8,493]

Funeral costs are so bloody expensive these days.
At my mother-in-law's, after paying for the bouncy castle and pony rides, we could barely afford the face-painting..

 

I was sexually active at 12..its now 12.15am and my hand is killing me...Goodnight guys,catch ya on the flipside

 

My Great Grandfather fought in world war 1 and single handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication.

He ate their pigeon

 

You know the romance is over when you come to bed, ready to make love to your wife, and she is on the phone, and she tells whoever she is talking to that she will call them back in a couple minutes

 

My kids are accusing me of having a "favourite child"

Which is ridiculous ....

Because I dont like either of them.

[The one 8,493]

Two married men are out drinking! One says, " i can never sneak into my house after i've been out! No matter how quiet i am, my wife still wakes and nags me"! His friend replies, " do what i do! Slam the front door, stamp up the stairs, jump into bed and slap her arse & say " how about a blow job and some bum fun?" Bet she's f***ing sleeping then "!

 

"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife whilst she was in labour. "f**k off you b*****d!" She screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my bloody fault the car broke down on the way to the Hospital!

 

I just got asked the time by an Argos delivery driver.

So I told the b*****d it was between 8am and 1pm!

[The one 8,493]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk...

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone!"

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it!" he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter

[Haiddheliwr 1,911]

Some crackers there mate! 5 more likes