Funny Joke Thread

[The one 8,479]

Two blondes talking

One says i've just done a pregnancy test

 

The other one

Where the questions hard ?.

[The one 8,479]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers: “Hello.”

“Can I speak to Mrs Jones please?”

“That’s me.”

“Mrs Jones, I’m calling about your husband’s test results, I’m afraid the lab has mixed up the results from your husband’s biopsy with those from another Mr Jones and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.

“What do you mean?”, Mrs Jones asks nervously.

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS, and we can’t tell which is your husband’s.”

“That’s dreadful! Can’t you do the test again?”, asked Mrs Jones.

“Normally we can, but with the NHS cuts, they will only pay for these expensive tests one time.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“We recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.”

“What then?”

“If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”

[bob.243 8,758]

.

[Blackbriar 8,569]

 

[The one 8,479]

heard on radio 4 the other day, lady Irish athlete said to her doctor "those steroids i took made me grow a penis, the doctor replied anabolic ? no she said just a penis

[Mister Gain 1,764]

My mate went to get a tattoo of an indian on his back.

 

Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."

 

The tattooist said "For fcuk sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

[Blackbriar 8,569]

 

A condemned man is being led to the gallows, for his execution.

 

The respondent man makes the long walk across the castle courtyard, but stumbles, twisting his ankle. The executioner helps him up, and they continue the fateful journey. Even enthalpy, they reach the gallows and the prisoner slowly climbs the steps. As the executioner places the noose around his neck, the heavens open, and a violent downpour begins.

 

The man looks up, with tears in his eyes, and says "What else can go wrong ?"

 

The executioner says to him "I don't know what you're whinging about - I've got to walk back in this !"

[Mister Gain 1,764]

Two wives go out for a girls night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.

One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.

The next morning one husband called the other and said "No more girls night out, my wife came back with no panties."

The other husband said "You think that's bad, mine came back with a card in her crack which read 'from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you.'"

[The one 8,479]

I went on a backpacking holiday with the wife. On the first night I said, “I think there’s a monster under my bed…” “Grow up,” she replied.
“No, really,” I continued. “It’s hideous…” “Stop pissing about,” she snapped. “I knew it was a mistake letting you have the top bunk!!..

[The one 8,479]

The wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level.
To help her, I raised the ironing board to a more suitable height!

[The one 8,479]

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.
She had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"
"I nearly died of shame!" She answers!
“Why?” Her Mother asked.
Annie said, “Kate from down the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”
Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No... well that's how I felt when I had to tell them that we were so poor....that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!

[The one 8,479]

My Missus crashed her car into some guy this afternoon.
She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking beer from a can at the time.
The police said he was perfectly entitled to do whatever he wanted in his own living room.

[The one 8,479]

I always carry a picture of my Wife and Kids in my wallet.
It reminds me why there is no money in it.

 

 

 

 

 

Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."
Hope so, I've got no tissues left

[The one 8,479]

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole f***ing thing

[The one 8,479]

Getting your helmet wet, getting some gash or just going head first into a ladies bush, however you want to put it.
Falling off your bike just isn't fun.

 

 

 

Breaking news....

Mr whippy was found dead today with a flake up his ass, chocolate sprinkles on his penis and strawberry sauce on his bollocks. police think he topped himself.