Funny Joke Thread

[The one 8,497]

I could smell the cooking from my Korean neighbours house today.
I knocked on the door and said, "Your wife's cooking is amazing, I can smell the spicy chicken from here."
He said, "It's actually your dog."
I said, "f**k off mate, my dog can't even cook."

[The one 8,497]

A Man Whispers to a Woman at the Bar.

"I'd love to fill your Fanny with Stella Lager and then drink it all down slowly''

The shocked Woman runs over to her Husband and tells him.

''Aren't you goin to kick the f***ing shit out of him''..??? She asks.
"No Way". he says.

''I'm not fighting any f****r, that can drink that much Stella''

[Haiddheliwr 1,911]

5 more mate lol

[The one 8,497]

[The one 8,497]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[The one 8,497]

[The one 8,497]

After a delicious dinner and a few drinks the wife leads husband into the bedroom. With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied

"Go look in the garage"

[Blackbriar 8,569]

 

I said to the attractive woman at the bar "Can I smell your fanny "

 

"Certainly not !" she replied angrily

 

"It must be your feet, then" I said...........

[peterhunter86 8,627]

There has been a recent study on why so many crows have been killed on irish roads and it turns out 9 out of 10 crows have been killed by moterbikes even though they always had a look out crow watching for danger turns out the look out bird can only say caw and not moterbike.

[Haiddheliwr 1,911]

Fabulous The one LIKE LIKE etc etc

[The one 8,497]

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

[The one 8,497]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches wouldkeep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

[The one 8,497]

The teacher called little
Johnny to her desk and
said, "The essay you
wrote about your pet dog
is word-for-word the
same as your brother's.
What do you have to say
for yourself?"
"Of course it is!" said little Johnny.
"It's the same f***ing dog!"

[The one 8,497]

After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap... One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked.
After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer.", she said.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry. "Is this your husband ?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then ?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then ?" demanded Joe bewildered.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[Blackbriar 8,569]

A fella had been stranded to years on a desert island when, one morning, he finds a lovely looking woman, washed up on the beach. So, he took her back to his but, to take care of her.

After a couple of hours, she comes around, and is clearly quite taken with him.

 

"How can I ever repay you for saving my life ? After all this time, there must be....something....you've missed ?" she asks, giving him the eye.

"Well" he says "I've really missed a smoke, but I don't suppose you've got one ?"

She reaches into one side of her bra and produces 20 Benson's.......

 

"There must be something else you've missed ? I mean, you've been on your own here to so long ?" she asks him seductively.

"To tell you the truth, you know what I've really missed ?" he says.

"Go on" says the woman, getting comfy on the bed....

"I could murder a pint !" he says.

 

She looks a little crestfallen, but reaches into the other side of her bra and produces a can of Guiness.

 

She slowly removes her bikini, and starts stroking herself between her legs. She looks him right in the eye and says "I bet I know what you've missed the most !"

 

The fella looks up from his pint and says "F*** me - you've never got a chip pan in there !"