Funny Joke Thread

[The one 8,477]

TRUE DEFINITION OF A CO-PILOT ~ NO BETTER EXPLANATION HAS EVER EVOLVED!

Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it.

She turned to the First Officer and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my f***ing advice, he'll ask me."

[Blackbriar 8,569]

 

Scientists at Loughborough university have discovered the recipe for the perfect sausage sandwich.

But, their study has caused some controversy....

 

 

......The £4 million grant was for AIDS research.

[Mister Gain 1,764]

I bought the wife a Pug dog.

 

Despite the squashed nose, bulging poppy eyes, rolls of loose skin and fat and being as ugly as fcuk, the dog seems to like her.

[Blackbriar 8,569]

Last night, my wife said to me "How many women have you slept with ?"

I said "Including you ?"....She said "Yes, including me."

 

So, I had a think and said "Well, let's see, there's one, two, three, four, five, you, seven, eight....."

[Dinosaurs 2,059]

Blackbriar I do like your sense of humour & some of your comments on various threads have had me in stitches. Keep em coming bud ? Atb

[Blackbriar 8,569]

Blackbriar I do like your sense of humour & some of your comments on various threads have had me in stitches. Keep em coming bud Atb

Thank you, mate.

It's hard to be humble when you're as good as me !

[DogMan85 722]

Apparently the Postman has fcuked every woman on our street barring one...... our lass said it will be that stuck up cow living on the corner.

[peterhunter86 8,627]

 

Blackbriar I do like your sense of humour & some of your comments on various threads have had me in stitches. Keep em coming bud Atb

Thank you, mate.

It's hard to be humble when you're as good as me !

 

 

 

 

i think he was joking pal.

[Blackbriar 8,569]

 

 

Blackbriar I do like your sense of humour & some of your comments on various threads have had me in stitches. Keep em coming bud Atb

Thank you, mate.

It's hard to be humble when you're as good as me !

 

i think he was joking pal.

But I wasn't !

Then again, it's a funny joke thread, so who's to say who's joking ?

Maybe he was joking, maybe I was, maybe neither of us was, maybe nobody was, maybe nobody gives a feck !

[Blackbriar 8,569]

 

I've just found out that my 10 year old brother is taking heroin.......They shoot up so fast these days, don't they ?

[Dinosaurs 2,059]

BB i was being sincere bud. Last joke proves my point ??. Atb

[The one 8,477]

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred last night when a small four-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search & rescue workers have recovered 987 bodies so far, but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night!.

[Dinosaurs 2,059]

The one. Absolutely hillarious ? Atb

[Silversnake 1,099]

I agree with you dinosaur bb is a good man and I hope he keeps them coming.

[The one 8,477]

Keep Calm And Oh Feck It, Enjoy Some Craic.

10 hrs ·

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' [BANNED TEXT]'s this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

"He's a stupid dog - that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.