Blackbriar 8,569 Posted February 14, 2017 Report Share Posted February 14, 2017 I was paying for my shopping with a credit card. The cashier said "Strip down, facing me." And that, your honour, is where the confusion began..... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stealthy1 3,964 Posted February 17, 2017 Report Share Posted February 17, 2017 I was working in Tesco last night, aisle 7 rearranging the washing powder.When I bumped into the lady I have just started dating.She was not happy. “Oi! You told me you are a stunt pilot you lying git.” She said.“No, I told you I was part of an Ariel display team.” I replied. 8 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,463 Posted February 20, 2017 Report Share Posted February 20, 2017 Paddy and Mick land themselves a new Job at a Sawmill. Just before the morning break, Paddy yelled “Bejessus Mick, I’ve lost me Finger".. "Have ye now,” said Mick. “And how did ye do dat”..?? Paddy replied, “Dunno really, I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this…feckin hell, there goes another one"...... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dave88 1,565 Posted February 20, 2017 Report Share Posted February 20, 2017 Just got my birthday card off of moonpig She hates it when I call her that 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dave88 1,565 Posted February 20, 2017 Report Share Posted February 20, 2017 Of course black people have rights It's called the right to remain silent Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blackbriar 8,569 Posted February 22, 2017 Report Share Posted February 22, 2017 I whispered down the phone - "I want your breasts, your legs and your thighs." Suddenly, the wife burst in and screamed "Who the f*** are you talking to ?" I said "Nando's love - do you want anything ?" 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,463 Posted February 28, 2017 Report Share Posted February 28, 2017 Little Larry: A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry? 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!' Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?' The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!' Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? " Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..... ' If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.' The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.' After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says,'He's not even a member of this golf club'. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Haiddheliwr 1,911 Posted February 28, 2017 Report Share Posted February 28, 2017 Lol classic the one Quote Link to post Share on other sites
talt 878 Posted February 28, 2017 Report Share Posted February 28, 2017 An aide rushes into the oval office and says to Donald Trump " Mr. president i have some good news and some bad news. " Trump says " Whats the bad news? " The aide says " Aliens have invaded the U.S.A! " Trump says " Oh no, whats the good news? " The aide says " They eat Mexicans and piss gasoline " 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
forest of dean redneck 11,531 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2017 Husband says to his wife,what would you do if I won the lottery, She replies I would take half and leave your ass, So he replies good I won a tenner here's fiver now feck off! 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mister Gain 1,764 Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier and he can see from her name badge, that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack", he says. "I'd like to get a £30,000 loan, so I can buy a new pond" Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him his name? The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it should be okay, as he knows the bank manager. Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. "Sure", he says "I have this" and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, 2 inches tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into the back office. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral" "I mean", She blurts out, holding up the tiny pink elephant. 'What in the world is this?" The bank manager looks at her and says.. "It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone" 7 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
cragman 2,763 Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier and he can see from her name badge, that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack", he says. "I'd like to get a £30,000 loan, so I can buy a new pond" Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks him his name? The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it should be okay, as he knows the bank manager. Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. "Sure", he says "I have this" and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, 2 inches tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into the back office. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral" "I mean", She blurts out, holding up the tiny pink elephant. 'What in the world is this?" The bank manager looks at her and says.. "It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone" FFS! Got there in the end ? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Dinosaurs 2,035 Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Mister G. Could see it coming but it still made me smile ??. Atb Quote Link to post Share on other sites
walshie 2,804 Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 An English couple are on holiday in Wales and see a road sign for Llanfairpwllgwngyllgogerychwyrndrobwillantysiliogogogoch and decide to stop there for lunch. On the way they debate how to pronounce the word. After lunch the man asks the cashier. "Could you please tell us where we are and pronounce it for us very, very slowly?" "Of course" said the cashier. "We're in B-u-r-g-e-r K-i-n-g" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Haiddheliwr 1,911 Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 Brilliant Walshie lol 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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