Funny Joke Thread

[walshie 2,804]

Come on that was good for Walshie but it has been up on here before

 

Cheers, D.

 

A certain member phoned me just to tell me that one last week.

[dave88 1,565]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!

[dave88 1,565]

A boy asks his dad, Whats the difference between potential and realistic? The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if theyd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then hed tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would! He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, Brad Pitt? Hell ya, hes the hottest guy ever! Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, A million dollars? Hell yes I would. Id be rich! When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the familys responses, the dad says, Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.

[dave88 1,565]

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker." They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?" The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."

[dave88 1,565]

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,

"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

 

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,

"Oh yes? Prove it."

 

He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."

He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

 

About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,

"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure."

Edited February 8, 2017 by daveee88

[dave88 1,565]

A couple gets married. Forty years later, they're in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs.... and he starts to cry. She says,

"What's the matter?"

He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can't wait to eat me!"

[dave88 1,565]

How many coppers does it take to push a black man down the stairs......none, he fell

[dave88 1,565]

What's long, black and smelly....the queue at the job centre

[Guest Ronny]

I was sat in a public toilet having a shit when a cock was shoved through a hole in the wall. Well I did what any curious bloke would do.

 

I measured it to see if it was bigger than mine.

[Blackbriar 8,569]

 

I said to my wife "How would you like a new fur coat, for Valentine's Day ?"

She said "No - I've already got three !"

"Well, how about a shiny Ferrari ?"

She said "I've got loads of cars."

So I said "What about the biggest diamond you've ever seen ?"

"I don't wear all the jewellery I've already got."

 

So I said "Why don't you just tell me what you'd like ?"

She said "I'd like a divorce....."

 

I said "I wasn't thinking of spending THAT much !"

[Mister Gain 1,764]

2 eggs boiling in a pan.

 

One says " I've got a huge crack."

 

The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not fcuking hard yet!"

[dave88 1,565]

I was on the train home last night when this absolutely gorgeous woman came into the compartment, I couldn't keep my eyes off her.

She looked at me and said "What are you looking at"?

 

I said "Six to eight years, depending on how much you struggle"!

[dave88 1,565]

After shagging kylie minogue yesterday, I think there are 3 things you should know ? First her fanny is tight as f**k, a real struggle to get in to, secondly she takes it over her face without any complaint & thirdly the staff at Madame Tussauds are miserable fuckers with no sense of humour at all

[Guest Ronny]

I call my wife Bambi , she thinks its because she's cute with big brown eyes. Actually it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle .

[Blackbriar 8,569]

 

I was involved in a minor car accident, the other day. A beautiful woman got out of the other vehicle and said "Ram me up the ar5e, why don't you ?"

 

 

 

And that, your honour, is where the confusion began........