Funny Joke Thread

[gamerooster 1,179]

He's a proper cnut that next door neighbour of mine, every time my son kicks the ball over his fence he stabs it and throws it back.

 

Anyway I got my own back the other day, his toddler managed to get into my garden.

[gamerooster 1,179]

What's the difference between a afghani military base and a Pakistani primary school?

 

I don't f*****g know, I just fly the drone

[gamerooster 1,179]

A smoking hot girl walks into a bar. A guy at the bar says, "Wow, you're gonna get laid tonight!" She replies, "Hehe, how do you know?" And he replies, "Because I'm stronger than you."

[DIDO.1 22,580]

The rspca have sent 3000 mosquito nets to Africa....they are trying to save 30,000 000 mosquitoes from catching aids

[forest of dean redneck 11,531]

Englishman ,an Irishman an a Chinese man are shipwrecked on a island

They decide the Englishman should build shelter an start a fire,

The Irishman gather food an water

The Chinese man gather any supplies

So after a few hours the Irishman comes back to the Englishman and they start preparing the food,

After an hour they are fed up with waiting for the Chinese man to come back so start eating

With that there's a rustling in the nearby jungle and the Chinese man jumps out grinning an shouts SUPPLIES

 

Pmsl

[Mister Gain 1,764]

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van
when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "oh big
boy,whip me,whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did
not have any whips on hand but, in a flash of inspiration, he opens the
window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until
they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the
whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor
takes one look at the wounds and asks, "did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let
alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that,
yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so
because, in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van
aerial disease that I've ever seen."

[Blackbriar 8,569]

A nurse is bed bathing a comatose woman. As she is Washington g her 'intimate parts', she feels a very faint pulse. Immediately, she phones the woman's husband, who rushes over to the hospital.

 

The nurse explains, "I think that if such a small stimulation gets a reaction, the intensity of oral sex might help her regain consciousness....."

The husband says he's willing to try, so the nurse waits outside the room, to give him some privacy. After a couple of minutes, she hears the heart monitor go flat line, and rushes back in.

 

"What happened ?" she asked

The husband says "I think she's choking...... !"

[Francie 6,368]

Crscker haha

[Blackbriar 8,569]

I was checking into a hotel, and the receptionist asked me if I wanted a TV package included.

 

I asked her "Is the porn disabled ?"

She said "No ! It's the normal sort, you sick ba5tard !"

[johnny.w 316]

I saw a black man running down the road earlier with a flat screen tv under his arm. I thought "That looks like mine", so i phoned the wife to check.

 

Turns out it wasn't. Mine was still at home picking cotton.

[Mister Gain 1,764]

Just watched the news for the deaf about the floods.

 

The sign language woman gave up trying to explain Cockermouth.

[Mister Gain 1,764]

[Blackbriar 8,569]

How do you get a fat girl to have sex with you ?

 

Piece of cake !

[bob.243 8,545]

.

During an international gynaecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently. "Only last week," the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!"

"Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't be able to walk if it were.”

"Ah, you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the taste!"

[johnny boy68 11,726]

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"Oh I love you so much!" she said, then she got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing oral sex ever......

 

.......which is really odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before.