Funny Joke Thread

[bob.243 8,732]

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[treecreeper 1,136]

That along with how to troll a dating website possibly one of the funniest things in the net for me

[salclalin 240]

A schooll Teacher says to her class. "I want somebody to give me a sentence containing the word Contagious" 7Yr old Susy puts her hand up.She said "When i was 5yrs old i had Measles.My Mother said it was very Contagious"Well done said the school teacher.Anyone else?.Johnny puts his hand up.Last week Miss the man next door was painting his house with a 2" Brush.My Father said it'll take that c*nt ages.

[abarrett 462]

Bloke and his wife in a pub the wife goes up to the bar to get a drink

While she's there a lad starts talking to her she gets her drink and sits back down

She then says to her husband

I have never been so offended in all my life

That lad has just said he wants to pull my knickers down tip me upside down

Fill my fanny with beer and drink me dry

Are you going to have a word with him

Husband says not a chance

Any bloke that can drink 15 pints in one go ain't to be messed with

[bob.243 8,732]

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[bob.243 8,732]

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[neems 2,406]

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Brilliant,even with no context.

[diggory 130]

What's 22 stone and rides a Derby winner?

 

Adam Johnson's cell mate.

[Chaff 3,599]

Have you seen Chris Eubanks new book about 'Ethics' ?

If it's a success he's going to write one about 'Kent' too.

[comanche 2,988]

Three mates walk past a brothel after a boy's night out and notice an unconventional price list that includes the words "Gentlemen are required to pay according to their endowment @£10 per inch".

Bob goes in first and comes out after brief bout of Rogery and with a grin announces," Well that was 70 quid well spent".

Not to be outdone Kirk takes his turn and breezes out boasting of his £85 bill.

That just leaves Kev . He sneaks inside and about twenty minutes later joins his mates on the pavement with a very smug look on his face and presents a till receipt for a mere £40.25p.

Predicably Bob and Kirk rip the Mickey out of him.

"Ok,ok,"shrugs Kev,"but at least I wasn't stupid enough to pay in advance."

[greenman33 37]

A woman goes into a pub and ask's the barman for a double-entendre...............So the barman gave her one.

[Lab 10,979]

Paddy and mick are in the pub talking about there sex lives. Paddy boasts "the wife and me f**k like rabbits every night". " You lucky b*****d" replies Mick", I only get it once a month and i call it the Bruce Lee night, "why the f**k do you call it that" asks Paddy, Mick replies "because it's the night i enter the f*****g dragon

[boyo 1,398]

Englishman Irishman & a Scotsman walking along a beach when they see an old Lantern as they approach it a Genie appears & grants them all one wish each. Englishman shuts his eyes makes his wish & opens them & he's in a bath of champagne surrounded by money. Scotsman closes his eyes makes his wish opens them he's in a swimming pool filled with whiskey & naked women. Irishman closes his eyes makes his wish opens them again & nothings happened? so pissed off he goes home. An hour later theres a knock on his front door, when he opens it theres 3 people standing there in white robes white hoods a burning cross on his front lawn & a rope hanging from his tree then on of the people says .. "Are you the Paddy who wants to be Hung Like a Nigger"???

[hawki 1,431]

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a roamin Catholic

[diggory 130]

I pulled my cock out of this fat girl's arse, then she turned over spread her legs revealing her sweaty, hairy minge, and said, "Are you going to eat that?".

 

"Your pussy?" I asked disgusted.

 

"No that" she replied, pointing at the sweetcorn on my cock.