Funny Joke Thread

[Blackbriar 8,569]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well,what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...

 

You must be David Cameron........

[The Seeker 3,048]

THE FIRST MESSAGE:

 

Hey Bill ---- This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

 

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

 

Regards, Alan

 

THE ACTION:

 

Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour. Alan dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

 

He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbour.

 

THE SECOND MESSAGE:

 

Hey Bill --- This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I know you'll figure it out anyway, but I’m sure you noticed that my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’.

[air gun ant 1,666]

Lol

[forest of dean redneck 11,589]

My next door neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line.

I nearly shit her pants

[Mister Gain 1,764]

A muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

 

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

 

The stewardess asked the muslim if he's like a drink.

 

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

 

Paddy quickly handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[peterhunter86 8,627]

How can you tell a scottish peado

 

He goes around asking kids do they want to buy sweets

[Lab 10,979]

My pornstar friend died recently, so at his cremation, out of a mark of respect, we scattered his ashes all over his wife's face !!!

[Slippery_Weasel 460]

I got a load of these sent through the other day, I was crying!

 

 

[Slippery_Weasel 460]

 

 

[air gun ant 1,666]

Lol

[air gun ant 1,666]

Sure this has been on here before, but .....,,

 

The second one made me cry with laughter, I s**t you not...

 

Here are some customer comments from Amazon from people who used Veet for Men hair removal gel .

Some of them are worthy of shortlisting for a Booker Prize . Hilarious .

 

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

 

31,622 of 32,007 people found the following review helpful

DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS

By Andrew on 24 Jan 2012

Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

 

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)

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2,294 of 9,611 people found the following review helpful

Oh the shame....

By A. Chappell on 3 July 2012

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...

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5,547 of 6,142 people found the following review helpful

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

By The Cantankerous Tiger on 17 April 2012

I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman's log cabin, so for the past few years I've used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I'm sure you've realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.

 

Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I'm going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.

Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.

 

However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted children.

 

In summary:

 

Pros: A small expense, certainly didn't burn a hole in my pocket.

 

Cons: Did burn a hole in my scrotum

 

All in all an effective and reasonably priced product - 3 Stars.

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156 of 173 people found the following review helpful

Fantastic Reviewers

By J Boronte on 26 April 2012

Haven't laughed so much in years! You lot are hysterical - can't you all get together and write a book? You'd make a fortune and Tena pads would too!

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2,213 of 2,464 people found the following review helpful

Good results at first interrogation

By Mr. H. A. Outhwaite on 25 April 2012

Excellent product. Most prisoners confessed within five minutes of the first application. Can recommend.

 

Yours,

Ali Muhabarakah,

Secret Police, Damascus

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3,024 of 3,380 people found the following review helpful

Increased Sports Performance Bonus

By Tagnutt Mandeville on 24 April 2012

As a highly competitive amateur athlete, I have long been aware of the benefits of a highly polished scrotum pole and hair-free saddle-bags, especially when going for the `longer look' as displayed by Linford in his famous lunchbox.

 

Previously I had used the old-school method of a cutthroat razor, but as you can imagine, this was a tricky and delicate operation, and to make matters worse, it was difficult to get into a comfortable position in the chair at my local Barbers. Anyway, I am quite hairy down there and my snippet valve looks like Brian May's plughole so eventually the Barber said he could no longer perform the task for me. He also said that looking up my whizzer every Saturday at 11:30 put him off his lunch, as he usually has toad-in-the-hole followed by chocolate-coated donuts as a Saturday treat.

 

He did not want to leave me in the lurch and said that he had read some excellent reviews on Amazon about Veet for men and suggested I give it try.

 

Like many other reviewers, I made the mistake of not reading the bumph properly; I used the whole tube and completely coated my cock eggs, barse and nipsy with the stuff. Anyway, I lost track of time, and it was the foul stench of dissolving clinkers and melting hair that brought me to my senses. As I looked at my watch through the putrid fog that had formed around me, I could see that it had been applied for exactly 5 minutes 59 seconds. This presented me with a problem, as when the searing pain began, I was outside my flat, sat in the communal gardens, in a deck chair precisely 100 meters and 3 flights of stairs away from my bathroom. It was as if I had lowered my under-carriage through a volcano and into Hades, whereupon Beelzebub, annoyed by the uninvited intrusion, jabbed me in the rectum with his fork.

 

I took off from the deckchair like Usain Bolt out of the TV adverts. Within 12 seconds, the bathroom was filled with steamy fetid barse broth, and I had the clock weights, biffin's-bridge and Sherriff's badge under ice-cold running water at the tap end of the bath. This did not please the missus, as she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a brake light was impressive, and she was pleased to see that my arse barnacles had all but disappeared.

 

When I looked at my watch again, I realised how quickly I had made it up the stairs and the idea dawned on me that I had discovered a 100% legal sports performance enhancer. Now when I compete in a competition I dab a small amount around my Samantha Janus and taint exactly 6 minutes before the race is due to start. If I am doing the hurdles, I change the ratio and put more on my barse to make me jump higher. This proved to be particularly effective a couple of weeks ago, as after crossing the hurdles finish line, I accidentally won the high jump and steeple chase too, looking for the water jump to wash the stuff off.

 

Now I can hear you all thinking that none of this is particularly extraordinary, especially given the reviews that you have already read. However, when I tell you that I am 45 years old, 5' 4" tall and weigh 15 stone, and I used to do the shot-put that should put things into context. As this is an Olympic year I think Tagnutt and Mandeville or whatever their names are, should be redesigned with hairless nether-regions and the British squad should use my technique and be sponsored by Veet, although I don't recommend it for the beach volley ball team.

 

5 Stars from me.

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See all 803 customer reviews (newest first) on Amazon.co.uk

[Francie 6,368]

Hillarious, lol

[ryaldinhio 4,531]

gay snowman....quality!

[haymin 2,465]

What you call a chicken that's staring at a lettuce , chicken sees a salad ?

[neil cooney 10,416]

A woman went into a bookies shop this morning, took out her massive breasts and said to the lad behind the counter "I'd like to put these on LONGDOG in the 2.50 @ Cheltenham today please."

The lad says "Sorry Ma'am but I can't accept your boobs as a bet."

"WHY NOT." she replies, "My husband was in here yesterday and lost his bollocks."