Funny Joke Thread

[dark-destroyer-85 636]

lol

[peterhunter86 8,627]

What do you call a spanish footballer with no legs grassy ass

[marshman 7,757]

On my first day in prison my cell mate said to me " if you come anywhere near me I'm gonna skin ya " !!

 

When were sleeping you don't f***ing touch me "

 

You don't hear me , you don't f***ing talk to me you got that ?

 

I thought " f***ing brilliant " !

I've only been in prison one day and I'm already married ?

[marshman 7,757]

Last one lads !

Billy stops paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork ?

 

Paddy says " are you on foot or are you driving ?

 

Billy says" I'm driving "

 

Paddy a says " yep that's the quickest way ! ?

[mad4it 694]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

 

And that's how the fight started.....

_______________________________

 

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while

we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 

And that's when the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to

verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for

me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

 

And then the fight started..

_______________________________

 

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

 

And then the fight started........

________________________________

 

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

 

That's how the fight started.

[diggory 130]

My friend rang me earlier and said

'Mate, is a clitoris round the front or round the back?'

'Round the front'

I replied.

'Why?'

'f**k....Then I've just spent 20 minutes licking her haemorrhoid'

[delboy_187 902]

Two blondes walk into a building. Ye think one them would have seen it

[boyo 1,398]

Andy & Tonya need to boost there Finances as donation money now gone & nets not selling to well. Andy says " well Tonya nothing else for it your gonna have to go on the Game". So nxt nite Tonya goes out on streets & returns home 6hours later & puts £4.10 on the table. Andy says What rotten b*****d gave you 10p"??? Tonya said All of Them!!!

[Brewman 1,192]

Andy & Tonya need to boost there Finances as donation money now gone & nets not selling to well. Andy says " well Tonya nothing else for it your gonna have to go on the Game". So nxt nite Tonya goes out on streets & returns home 6hours later & puts £4.10 on the table. Andy says What rotten b*****d gave you 10p"??? Tonya said All of Them!!!

Lol

How long before its deleted.

[peterhunter86 8,627]

Are you sure it wasnt 4.63

[forest of dean redneck 11,531]

Stood drinking in a pub and a Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me,while later I turn and ask him if he knows any martial arts like Kung fu ,ju jitsu or karate,

He turns and glares at me and says why da f**k you ask me dat is it cus I'm Chinese?

So I reply no because your drinking my pint!

[coverdogs 888]

two paddy's were out for a drive one day when they came to a bridge where there was a fella holding another fella over the bridge by the ankles

the two paddy's stopped and asked what they were doing?

and the fellow said we are fishing be quiet for a minute and watch you will see how it works

after a few minutes the fellow being held by the ankles shouts PULL ME UP. PULL ME UP .PULL ME UP.

they pull him up and he has a big salmon in his hands

now they said we will go to the local pub and the landlord will buy the salmon of us and we will be able to have a few pints with the money.

the two paddy's congratulate the guys on there success and head on there way

driving down the road they think to them self we could do that so the next bridge they come to they get out

one says to the other i will hold you over because you are the lightest

no problem says he and after a few minutes the guy holding asked do you see any fish?

just at that the fella shouts PULL ME UP. PULL ME UP. PULL ME UP.

the guy holding asked did you get one?

NO THERE IS A F--KING TRAIN COMING

[neil cooney 10,416]

A lad from the country goes to the city and walks up to a prostitute.

"£50" she says to him.

"To be honest," he says to her "I just want to see it, I've never seen one before."

"£20" she says.

So she lifts up her big flowing skirt and he goes in under it and she drops the skirt back down.

After a minute she asks him does he like what he see's ?

He sticks his head out and says "to be honest it's to dark to see down here, have ye a match ?"

So she gives him a box of matches and after a minute she asks him can he see it now.

"Oh Lord," he says "it's gorgeous, the most beautiful thing I've ever see. But tell me, do you piss through that ?"

"Yes" she replies.

He shouts back "Ye might want to start pissin' so, you're on fire."

[WILF 46,588]

An Irish girl back years ago travels to London to seek her fortune......unfortunately when she arrives she finds that the streets are not paved with gold and she has to go on the game to survive.

 

5 years later she returns home to Ireland to see her old mammy and her mammy says:

"My daughter, my daughter god love ye.....did ye find London and make ye fortune?"

 

The poor girl bursts into tears and crys "oh mammy, mammy.....the streets were not paved with gold, god help me I was so hungry I had to become a prostitute!!"

 

Her old mammy screamed in horror "YOU HAD TO BECOME A WHAT!!!!!!"

 

"A prostitute mammy, a prostitue" the girls cried in despair.

 

The mammy paused and with a look of relief said "Thank f**k for that, I thought you said a Protestant !!!"

[smithie 2,443]

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.