Funny Joke Thread

[devon flighter 421]

AN OLD PAKISTANI WHO USED TO BE A PORN STAR IN HIS YOUNGER DAYS IS IN AN OLD PEOPLES HOME AND HIS RELATIVES VISIT. THEY ASK IF HE IS OK AND IF THE STAFF ARE TREATING HIM PROPERLY. MAKE SURE HE IS OK. HE SAYS THEY TREAT US ALL WITH KINDNESS AND RESPECT, OLD TOM USED TO BE A DOCTOR THEY STILL CALL HIM DR TOM, BILL WAS AN AIRLINE PILOT AND THEY STILL CALL HIM CAPT BILL AND EVEN THOUGH I HAVENT HAD SEX FOR 20YRS THEY STILL CALL ME THE F*CKING PAKI.

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[tote 854]

Earlier today in Belfast the wife of a leading IRA member was shot in the chest. Later

in a revenge attack a woman from the provo group the UDA was shot in the fanny.

The Royal Ulster Constabulary says it was a tit for twat shooting..

[tote 854]

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles

lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.

She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he

said, as gently as he could,

 

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

 

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"

asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

 

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles'

legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be

easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg

and lift Piddles up to heaven."

 

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well.

However, two days later when her father came home from work,

Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this

morning."

 

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the

girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

 

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning

I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she

was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it

hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would

definitely have gone, Daddy".

[Blackbriar 8,569]

I like my girlfriends the same as my whisky........

 

 

12 years old and with a good measure of Coke !

[Truther 1,579]

A bloke notices his wife's a bit down, one morning at breakfast he ask her what's wrong? Eventually she say's "i think you're going off me, ive put weight on a bit, and after 4 kids and hitting 50 my lady parts are messy"............."rubbish" he say's "i love you as much as ever, but if its bothering you that much i'll pay for plastic surgery to tidy it up for your birthday"..........The wife accepts his offer.

 

3 weeks later she's coming round in the recovery ward after her op, there's a young nurse sat with her, the young nurse say's "everything went very well Mrs Brown, when the swelling goes down you'll be like a 20 year old again"...........the woman smiles at her and thanks her for her kindness, then she notice's 3 vases at the bottom of her bed.........."are these roses for me" she ask the nurse?

 

"You had visitors while you were still out, they brought you the roses" said the nurse, "the single red rose is from your surgeon Mr Smith, he said you've been the perfect patient"

 

"The vase in the middle with 12 red roses is from your husband, he says you've been the best wife anyone could wish for, and he can't wait to start romancing you again"

 

The wife looks at the last vase, its crammed with red roses...............She looks at the nurse puzzled........"If my husband only gave me 12 red roses who the hell gave me that lot?"

 

The nurse smiles at her "they're from Eric in the burns unit, he says he can't possibly thank you enough for his new ears.................

[tote 854]

An Englishman, Scotsman and a Paki went to Israel and ended up lost in the middle of nowhere.

After walking about aimlessly without food or water for three days they finally came across

a farmhouse B&B. They knocked on the door and asked the farmer for three rooms for the night as well

as a good feed and a drink. The farmer told them that he only had the two rooms spare but seeing their predicament said one of them could sleep in the barn that housed a donkey.

 

This they agreed to and after getting their tea and a drink the Englishman said he'd sleep in the barn

so off he goes and the others go to their rooms. 20 minutes later there's a knock on the door, it's the Englishman, "I can't sleep in there" he said, "that donkey fecking stinks".

 

The Scotsman agrees to go and sleep in the barn, again 20 minutes later there's a chap on the door, "aye you're right" says the Scotsman, "that donkey is fecking humming".

 

"I'll sleep in the barn," the Paki said and off he trots. 10 minutes later the door gets knocked again.......it's the donkey.

[Blackbriar 8,569]

What's the difference between Mike Tyson and Barack Obama ?

 

Tyson can take a shot to the head........

[dark-destroyer-85 636]

Fair play tote you've got some jokes lol

[lukey 1,621]

What do you call an Italian man with a rubber toe?,........

 

Roberto

 

What do you call a man with no legs and no arms in a swimming pool,.......

 

Bob

 

What do you call half a rabbit??,....

 

Rab!

[walshie 2,804]

Our Brazilian lodger's bedroom is a real mess.

 

She's very tidy downstairs though.

[Slippery_Weasel 460]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

-- Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............

[marshman 7,757]

Paddy was selling he's pet Python on eBay.

 

Some bloke rang him up and asked " how big is it ?"

 

Paddy said " massive "

 

The bloke says " how many feet though mate "

 

Paddy answers " none is a fecking snake ya ejit !!

[haymin 2,465]

I had a girlfriend called simela I don't no what I metaphor ,,,, my worker just told me it and I dont get it ???

[neil cooney 10,416]

A girl I know asked me the other day "what's a double entendre ?"

So I gave her one.

[marshman 7,757]

Old man laying on he's death bed with he's last breath he says " to my oldest son I leave my 5 houses in East London .

 

To my middle son I leave my 3 houses in Chelsea"

 

And to my youngest son I leave that glass office block in Tower bridge " and with that the old man passes !

 

The nurse turns tithe wife and says " your husband must've been a wealthy man what did he do for a living ?

 

The wife says " he was a f***ing window cleaner"! ?