Joke Thread

[The one 8,479]

UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,’ Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f**k or drown...

[The one 8,479]

Pearly Gates

A Muslim dies,, and by some error in his handling,, He ends up in heaven

He’s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St Peter who says: "Sorry, but we don’t allow Muslims into Heaven".

"What?,,,, replies the Muslim, and why not"?
"Well, we just don’t!!,,,, and that's it,,, we're short on Virgins".
The Muslim complains and carries on until St Peter gets fed up.
"Well,,,, says St Peter, have you ever done anything good in your life"?

Ummm--the Muslim replies.
"Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting
for a children’s charity so I gave her ten pounds.

Last week I donated ten pounds to the Cancer Society,

and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money,,,

so I gave him ten pounds too"!

"Alrighty then, says St Peter,,, wait here and I'll have a quick word with God".

Five minutes later St Peter returns and says to the Muslim.
Listen, I’ve spoken with God and he agrees with me .

Here’s your 30 quid back,,,,,,,,,, now f**k off!!!

[The one 8,479]

London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio.

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London . He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."

[The one 8,479]

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first....

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I'd better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

[The one 8,479]

Och aye the noo……and other porridge sounds…….

Alex Salmond was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Salmond if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Alex, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too- patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"
'I'm afraid not', explained Alex, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alex searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Alex, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

[henarchchar 64]

a man walking along a beach finds a lamp

anyway he gives it alittle rub bang out comes this massive genie

bloke .. wtf is going on

genie .. right hurry up you get one wish chop chop

bloke ... one you mingebag thought it was three

genie ..recession hurry up

bloke .. right I hate to fly but I want to go see my brother in America so I want a bridge from here to America

genie .. cant do that the whole thing its just to hard the power of the water , the depth of the pilons its just to difficult sorry try again

bloke .. well your a bundle of use , hows about letting me understand a woman

genie .. proper stressed out now looks down and says ... this bridge 2 lanes or 4

[Tiercel 6,986]

 

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

 

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

 

This is how it manifests:

 

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

 

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

 

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

 

I lay my car keys on the table,

Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

And notice that the can is full.

 

So, I decide to put the bills back

On the table and take out the garbage first....

 

But then I think,

Since I'm going to be near the mailbox

When I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.

 

I take my cheque book off the table,

And see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

 

I'm going to look for my cheques,

But first I need to push the Pepsi aside

So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

 

The Pepsi is getting warm,

And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

 

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,

A vase of flowers on the counter

Catches my eye--they need water.

 

I put the Pepsi on the counter and

Discover my reading glasses that

I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I'd better put them back on my desk,

But first I'm going to water the flowers.

 

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,

Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

 

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,

But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

But first I'll water the flowers.

 

I pour some water in the flowers,

But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

 

So, I set the remote back on the table,

Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

 

Then, I head down the hall trying to

Remember what I was planning to do.

 

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed,

The bills aren't paid,

There is a warm can of

Pepsi sitting on the counter,

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,

And I'm really tired.

 

Thank fcuk for that I thought I was on my own.

 

TC

[mick20 23]

A little boy runs into the kitchen where his mam is preparing dinner and shouts at her "granny's prawn....quick granny's prawn come see".

Puzzled at her son's outburst she follows him upstairs where she finds her mother fast asleep, naked on the bed.

"See mam...granny's prawn" shouts the boy pointing between her legs. His mam looks down to see her mother's protruding clitoris.

"Oh no son that's not a prawn, it's her clitoris" she explained.

"Funny that" says the boy "coz it tastes like a prawn"

[3175darren 1,100]

Paddy is sat in his kitchen admiring his work after building his own bungalow,when he ear's a scream and a thud,he goe's running into the bathroom to find his wife in full splits totally naked on the floor

she's slipped half way out of the bath on paddy's newly tilled floor,shes shouting paddy paddy help me I am suctioned to the bloody floor,paddy gets behind her and try's to lift but no good,her fannies got a good hold,he says be-jesus I cant lift you love, I will have to get some help,I will give murphy a ring he will know what to do, she starts playing all hell at paddy cos shes naked, and not to involve any body else, ten minutes go bye and murphy turns up into the bathroom and there she is paddy's wife in all her glory,paddy shouts murphy my wife is suctioned to the floor give me a hand,so now both men get either side and take a arm each and give a almighty tug, paddy's wife gives a scream but to no avail they could not move her,stuck hard to the floor murphy say's, paddy I will go and get a chisel from my van I will be ten minutes we will have to break a tile,paddy say's I suppose so, while you are gone, I will fondle her breasts, murphy says, why would you want to fondle her breasts paddy,

Paddy say's well if I an get her wet enough we can slide her in the kitchen the tiles are cheaper in there,

[Tiercel 6,986]

A little girl is walking down the road pushing a dolls pram with a little Jack Russell dressed up in baby clothes in it. The vicar stops to pass the time of day.

The vicar says hello, I have not seen you here before. No the little girl replied we have just moved in.

 

I must say you look really pretty with your pig tails and that flowery dress, what is your name says the vicar?

Petal the girl replied, when I was a baby in the pram my mother used to put me in the shade of the rose bushes on the patio, and I would pick the petals of the rose bushes.

 

The vicar looks in the pram and says that a lovely dog, yeth says Petal, what's his name asks the vicar? Porky says Petal, thats an odd name for a dog, why do you call him porky asks the vicar? Cos he fcuks pigs says the Petal.

 

TC

[Mister Gain 1,764]

Lying in bed last night and the wife came in the room, bent over me and whispered "I've had a nice shower, and shaved 'down below', you know what that means don't you?"

 

"Yeah!... the f**king plug holes blocked again."

[RemyBolt 420]

What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

 

A shopping trolley has a mind of it's own.

[3175darren 1,100]

Bloke walks down street and has a oh Shit moment, I am out of budgie seed, so he goes into shop and say's to the shop assistant box of budgie seed please,the assistant said sorry mate I cant serve you, gobsmacked the bloke says " WHY" assistant says you need to prove its for a budgie as the authorities have been making inquiries about the restaurants in the area,"Well that's Bo****ks said the bloke" but the assistant insisted,so riled up the guy shoots home and brings his budgie puts in on the counter,"There he says one Budgie" can I now have my seed "Yes replies the assistant no problems sir" and out come's the big box of trill, anything else you require for the budgie? riled up but not wanting to show it the guy says No and walks out,

 

Next day still angry the guy walks into the shop and asks for dog food,again the shop assistant will not serve him without his dog,so the guy goes gets his dog and buys his dog food,this infuriated him and that's it, he was hell bent on revenge,

 

Two days later the assistant is in the shop window, and spots our guy walking towards the shop so goes behind the counter and waits the guys arrival,minute later the door opens in walks the guy with a smile on his face,and he places a old paint tin on the counter hes says to the assistant "Put your hand in there" so the assistant rolls his sleeve up and puts his hand in takes a good hand full pulls his hand out and shouts Jesus its "SHIT" the guy smiles and calmly say's "yes and I would like some toilet paper Please"

[walshie 2,804]

My wife burst into the bedroom last night wearing a naughty nurse's outfit. "Do you need medical attention?" she winked.

 

"Well yes. Yes I do as a matter of fact. i have severe erectile dysfunction." I replied.

 

"Ooh." She giggled. "And when did this start?"

 

"About 30 seconds ago."

[NEWSBOY 306]