Joke Thread

[Mister Gain 1,764]

Bought myself a Jack Russel Terrier, he's mainly black and brown with a small white area, so I've called him Bradford.

[air gun ant 1,666]

Suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

 

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda Central announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%, from 72 to only 54, effective immediately. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and the subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife, coupled with other factors contributing to a decline in the virgin supply. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Mustapha Fook told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in our teeth."

 

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Sheik Rattel an-Rol explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace and a difficult economy. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife, which is not helped by the downturn in the economy which is driving virgins to cash in their chastity. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting compensation, but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

 

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway."

 

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has also been attributed to the emergence and popularity of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are less keen on rushing to paradise.

[smithie 2,443]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you.
I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began --
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued –
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[smithie 2,443]

 

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

----------

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.

The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story.

The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.

Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger leveled his gun and got ready to shoot.

"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."

"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.

"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."

The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.

"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.

"Well," said the ranger..."I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"

[The one 8,479]

[The one 8,479]

 

And all this bloody fuss about keeping their head covered!

[The one 8,479]

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses ?

 

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,

A man's heart beats quicker, >

 

His throat gets dry, >

He gets weak in the knees, >

 

And he begins to think totally irrationally. Ever stop to wonder why?

Well…

It's because she smells like a new car !

 

 

 

[The one 8,479]

[zx12edge 1,001]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... And then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

[smithie 2,443]

___Ole the Norwegian Wrestler
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.? Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen..
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

[MIK 4,756]

My young lads joke at halloween

Whats 9 inches long and starts with a p?

 

 

 

 

a good shite

[bob.243 8,758]

The difference between dating in the west, and dating in a Muslim country. lol

Edited December 8, 2014 by bob.243

[bob.243 8,758]

[bob.243 8,758]

[bob.243 8,758]