Joke Thread

[abarrett 462]

A dad gets home to find his 16 year old son sat at the table smiling

Dad says you look pleased with yourself

Son says

I just had an hour and half sex session with the lady next door

Dad said well done son but I hope you wore something

I did dad I'm not stupid a balaclava

[abarrett 462]

Dustman knocks the door of a Chinese bloke

Bloke answer harrrooow

Dustman asks where's your bin

Bloke answers I been In kitchen

Dustman no no where's Your. Bin

Bloke in kitchen

Dustman come on mate where's your wheelie bin

Bloke ok ok I wheelie bin in the bathroom knocking one out

[smithie 2,443]

3 mice were sitting in a bar having a good discussion about who is the bravest and hardest of the 3
1st mouse, while sipping his drink say's, "when i go and steal the cheese out of the mouse trap and it goes off, i bench press it 30 times and throw it across the room"
second mouse says "thats f**k all, every morning as soon as i step out of bed i rack my self up a line of rat poison and have a big snort to start the day"
3rd mouse sits quietly and finishes his beer, then gets up and begins to walk out of the pub, the other 2 mice ask where he's going, he said "going home to f**k the cat"

[Mister Gain 1,764]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

As he enters, he asks St. Peter, ' I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, ' That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, ' God , please - I must know, am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied ' You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, ' Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled. ' No sir, God simply said ' You are what you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, ' Well then, there you are, you are white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, ' How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, ' If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, ' You is what you is.'

[wildman 489]

grizzly bear waiking through forrest and comes across a panda bear ,hello pal, says griz ,not seen you round hear befofe, no just moved here , repleys panda right pop round to our cave tonight bout 7 i.ll get wife to put bit of a spread on ,griz says bob on see ya at 7 , replies panda bang on 7 o,clock knock on cave door ,,come in pal meet the wife tuck in fill ya face,, big spread laid out .... panda stuffs as much in to his mouth as poss,whips out his dick mastibates all over cave then just does one ...grizzly stands there dumb struck,, what the fook,, he says ,,im not having that,, no no wait a bit ,, says his wife who is stud at the book case with the dictonary open ,,panda,,panda ,pan here it is no it right panda bear,, eats,shoots and leaves

[treecreeper 1,136]

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

 

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

 

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

 

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

 

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

 

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

 

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

 

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

 

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

 

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely shat my pants."

[Joseph123 9]

Sioux Indian boy and his mum sitting round chatting the boy asks his mum how do we get our names.his mum replies well after we have given birth we look it the tepee at the first thing we see.so things like , running bear soaring eagle

 

So why do you want to know two dogs f***ing

[RemyBolt 420]

I saw Moxy outside the hospital the other day, crying.

 

I asked him, "mate what's up?"

 

He said "I just got the news from the doctor. I've got the big C."

 

"Aww Moxy, I'm sorry to hear that...cancer?"

 

"No mate. Dyslexia."

[RemyBolt 420]

Why does Ruppert the bear wear tartan trousers?

 

Because he's a twat.

[RemyBolt 420]

Why have India never won the Football World Cup?

 

Because every time they're given a corner, they build a shop on it.

[abarrett 462]

12 year old lad gets home from school and his mom asked if he's had a good day

Boy replies not bad I had sex with a teacher the mom doesn't know what to do and sends him to his room

Until his dad gets home

Mom tells the dad their son came home and told her he's had sex with the teacher go and speak to him

Dad asks the boy if it's true yes dad says the lad

Right says the dad tell mom we've had a good talk and you know it's wrong

But I am proud of you your only 12 and you've had sex with your teacher

For that I'm going to buy you that bike you want

The lad says thanks but can we leave it a few days only

My arse is still stinging

[neil cooney 10,416]

Lad says to his dad, "Dad is Knickers a curse ?."

"No son" says the dad "now tights, they're a curse."

[abarrett 462]

What's got 100 legs and smells of p~ss

 

OAP conga

[Mister Gain 1,764]

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing

on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed

by now."

[Mister Gain 1,764]

A hungry bloke walks into a cafe in Glasgow.

He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says,

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and finds a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."