Joke Thread

[smithie 2,443]

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset ---- I shall be home before midnight.






When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:



My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old As you know, I am a maths
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

 

__________________

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the shore, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "Fuuuuuuuuck! Duuuude!.......How much water did you drink?!!"

Edited October 16, 2014 by smithie

[Blackbriar 8,569]

So you want a joke ?

OK here's one........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Muslim women's rights !

[marshman 7,757]

Old boy 93 years old sat I'm a pub supping hes pint . When this old lady comes over and says " Idont I remember you from years ago " ? The old boy say " you might do " yes I remember now didn't you do a strong man act ? Yes says the old boy i did, cor you was a strong un I see you bend a bar of metal over your cock one time says the old lady . I can't do it no more though says the old boy " my wrist have gone ! ?

[BOLSTER 808]

Just bought my epiletic brother a strobe light for Christmas, hes gonna have a f***ing fit when he see's it!...

 

I was at a charity music gig the other night and a band came on wearing Teddy Boy outfits and exploded.
I think it was Jihaddywaddy.

 

The wife said she'd perform a striptease for me, if I gave her just a single square of my chocolate.

Thank f**k it's a Toblerone.

Gave this girl my number last week, she said she'll call me when she gets home. I'm starting to think she's homeless...

Even though my wife has put on some weight since we got married, she can still touch her toes...................
With her nipples.

Shitting myself about this Ebola virus, which is worrying because that's one of the f***ing symptoms!

I hate all this terrorist buisness. I used 2 love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the bus and think- "ill f****n have that"......

My horoscope said my ex would pop up.
I've been down the canal all day and thankfully there was no sign of her

I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his
voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it ? Does he f**k !!..

[johnny boy68 11,726]

Two Englishmen opening a shop in a valleys High St are sitting in the empty shop waiting on a delivery first Englishman says to his mate "bet you we have some nosey Welsh b*****d asking what we are selling" Sure enough within five minutes door opens and a Welsh guy says 'What you selling in here then butt?' Englishman says "we're selling arseholes" Without missing a beat the Welshman replies "your doing well then,only 2 left."

 

......

[RossM 8,119]

Little Johnny misses a day at school.

 

He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.

 

"Sorry Miss Smith," he replied, "Daddy got burned"

 

"Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious"

 

"Well Miss Smith, they don't f**k about at the crematorium"

[BOLSTER 808]

My pal just come back from Africa & he cant stop buying raffle tickets................ Think he's got Tombola.

[RemyBolt 420]

A guy was out with his mates in a club and disappears off to the toilet for a pee.

 

When he was there, he noticed a little guy next to him having a pee. When he had finished he grabbed the little guy by the shoulder and said "Hey kid. You're not meant to be in here!"

 

The kid turns round and is actually a midget.

 

The midget turns round and, with a heavy Irish accent, says "Okay, ye got me. You can have me pot of gold, or I will grant ye 3 wishes."

 

The guy was shocked and said "Ho, crap! I caught me a leprechaun." Thinking it out he figures he could always wish for the pot of gold, so he says "Alright, I'll take the 3 wishes."

 

"Okay then pally. What will be ye first wish?"

 

So the guys said "I wish for a big house full of rooms of gold, with piles of gold inside."

 

"Aye, that one is easy." The little Irish fella closes his eyes, taps his heels together 3 times and clicks his fingers twice. "It is done. When you go back from tonight, you'll wake up in your new home with rooms filled with gold as ye wished."

 

Being as excited as he was, he immediately made his second wish, "I wish for a room with 10 beautiful women in it, all of which want to have sex with me all the time."

 

The leprechaun says "This one is a wee bit harder, but I'll make it happen." He stamps his feet 7 times, pats his knees, and then claps over his head 3 times. "There, it is done. Now what would ye like for ye last wish? Think about it, as ye have 10 women to please."

 

The guy thinks for a while, smiles, then whispers in the little Irishman's ear "I wish for a 12 inch penis."

 

The little fella gasps and says,"That is a clever wish, but it is very difficult. The only way to do this is for me to put my penis in your bum hole. This will push your penis forwards so that you'll get the 12 inches you desire. If you want, we could always perform this spell in a cubicle?"

 

The guy thinks about it for a while, then says, "Okay." They go into the cubicle together.

 

After a few minutes in the cubicle together, with the guy bent over and the Irish fella behind him, the guys says "I can't believe I have a big house, lots of gold, lots of women, and will soon have a 12 inch penis."

 

The Irishman then says "I can't believe you think leprechauns are real!"

[haymin 2,465]

What's got 7 eyes and Cana see ? 3 blind mice and half a sheeps heed

[coverdogs 888]

The three paddys were captured by an tribe in africa

the chief said we are going to kill you but if you can sing me a song with a dogs name in it i will let you live, i love a song with a dogs name in it

so paddy the english man says i will sing you an old elvis number called "when i was a lad and old shep was a pup "

so he sings his song the chief loved it and says ok paddy you can live

paddy the scotch man is up next and says i will sing you an old lobo number called " me and you and a dog called boo"

so he sings his song the chief loved it and he was saved

now it's paddy the irish man's turn i will sing you an old frank sinatra number called "strangers in the night"

so of he goes , strangers in the night two lonley people strangers in the night........and so on

after about 4 or 5 lines the chief stands up and says hold on there is no dog name in that tune

paddy says hold on a minute until you hear the chorus

 

 

Scooby dooby doo ...da da da da da Scooby dooby doo

[j j m 6,539]

some good ones there

[Ratmanwan 66]

St Peters at the pearly gates when a load of gypsies turn up. What do you lot want he says, we want come in said the gypsies. St Peter thinks a minute and said hang on ill have to ask God and off he goes. God says fine, let them in, so St Peter goes to give them the good news but is back shortly after and says to god they've gone, god says what all of them ? Peter says no the gates !

[3175darren 1,100]

Little lad walks into bathroom as his mothers stepping out the shower,he looks down and spots his mothers fanny,he say's to his mother "whats that mam"his mother quite embarrassed replied with the only thing she could think of, "its my sponge son " now go and play" little lad runs down stairs,a hour or so later she's set herself up to do a bit of house work,bar of chocolate, ironing board set up and favorite soap on catch up telly,next minute the lad turns up and asks his mother "mam show me your sponge again"not knowing what to say she replies the only way she could think of "I cant son I am sorry I have lost my sponge" little lad is heart broken runs out with tears all over his face,anyway she breaths a sigh of relief,and settles back into her soap,all of a sudden the door flies open and her son runs in shouting "mam mam"I have found your sponge" she say's "but son you cant have" he say's "I have mam honest" she replies "ok son where is it" little boy replies "next door neighbours washing my farthers face with it"

[dytkos 17,793]

Little boy runs into the bathroom as his mum is stepping out of the shower.

"Whats that?" he says, pointing at her ladys garden.

"Thats where daddy hit me with an axe" she replied.

To which the boy said "bloody good shot, right in the c**t"

[smithie 2,443]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

At University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.

She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was, great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.



So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I'm much older and wiser now, and -------------------------------- I'm looking for a girl with big tits