Wxm 1,638 Posted April 2, 2014 Report Share Posted April 2, 2014 A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him. "What color?" they asked. He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty-four dollars." "Expensive, but ok," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea. "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No," he said, "nothing like that." "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles." He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wxm 1,638 Posted April 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 2, 2014 Buying a huge bag of dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
PIL 7 Posted April 2, 2014 Report Share Posted April 2, 2014 I think walshie's hijacked your account mate Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The one 8,486 Posted April 2, 2014 Report Share Posted April 2, 2014 First one Quote Link to post Share on other sites
air gun ant 1,666 Posted April 2, 2014 Report Share Posted April 2, 2014 heard the first but i like the second lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
leegreen 2,180 Posted April 2, 2014 Report Share Posted April 2, 2014 A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him. "What color?" they asked. He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty-four dollars." "Expensive, but ok," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea. "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No," he said, "nothing like that." "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles." He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears? Tumble weed moment.......................... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dytkos 17,804 Posted April 2, 2014 Report Share Posted April 2, 2014 Kate Middleton was asking HRH her Maj the secret to a long and happy life now that she had married her grandson Prince William. The answer was " Don't piss me off and always wear your seat belt" Cheers, D. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
on the tether 5 Posted April 7, 2014 Report Share Posted April 7, 2014 English man walking through Dublin zoo he seas people running everywhere stops paddy and asks what is every one running for, paddy tells the English chap there is a lion got loos English chap asks where as it gone paddy replies don't know do you think we are fecking looking for it Quote Link to post Share on other sites
abarrett 462 Posted April 7, 2014 Report Share Posted April 7, 2014 Afgan goes into a pub with a pig under his arm Barman asks where did you get that dirty stinking thing from ??? Pig says I won him in a raffle 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
abarrett 462 Posted April 7, 2014 Report Share Posted April 7, 2014 Boy rings 999 and says I need your help 999. All right what is it Boy. Two girls are fighting over me 999. So what's your emergency Boy. The big fat ugly one is winning Quote Link to post Share on other sites
abarrett 462 Posted April 7, 2014 Report Share Posted April 7, 2014 Next time you do a good fart in the car Say I can smell pop corn Then watch every body have a right good sniff Very satisfying Quote Link to post Share on other sites
walshie 2,804 Posted April 7, 2014 Report Share Posted April 7, 2014 I was shagging my girlfriend in the kitchen as she was bent over the kitchen sink. We heard a noise and she said, "Oh no. That's my husband come home from work early. Quick - Use the back door." I would have thought then was a good time to try and escape, but you don't get an offer like that every day. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
vanman1 411 Posted April 7, 2014 Report Share Posted April 7, 2014 I was shagging my girlfriend in the kitchen as she was bent over the kitchen sink. We heard a noise and she said, "Oh no. That's my husband come home from work early. Quick - Use the back door." I would have thought then was a good time to try and escape, but you don't get an offer like that every day. pmsl Quote Link to post Share on other sites
abarrett 462 Posted April 7, 2014 Report Share Posted April 7, 2014 I was walking down the street the other day And slipped in some dog shite A few minutes later some bloke did exactly the same I said hay mate I just did that He punched me in the face and called me a dirty b#####d 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
abarrett 462 Posted April 7, 2014 Report Share Posted April 7, 2014 Q. How many teeth does a cat have Q. How many feet has a chicken got Answer the questions then work out if you know more about cock than you do pussy Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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