A Blast From The Past And A Toasted Head.

[bwfc 164]

I had a real bombshell drop on my toes a couple of weeks ago,so i guess i should tell the story from the start!.

In 1983 i was a young snot nosed kid with an attitude i didnt shake off until 1987.That period of 4 years saw me in prison three timesthe last time for something i DID NOT do,but thats another story.....

Anyway in 1983 i met a really nice girl who i went out with for 7 months,and things were going great!.Apart from,i hadnt told her anything of my past,nor did i tell her i was on bail.Anyway two days before the court date i told her she was dumped,which she didnt take very well,especially as i didnt have the backbone to tell her why?.

Two days after i was sentenced to 12 months,of which i would do 8 months if i kept my nose clean.Time went by pretty uneventful and i got out 8 months after with no issues.

After a couple of days i had a call from a mate who said he had something to tell me,so i arranged to meet him that evening.You have a baby son he told me,and went on to tell me the ex i had unceremoniously dumped had had a baby that was "the spits of me".

Well that was it for me,i hot footed it to see her as i heard the news and she was where i thought at her mums.

Her mum was quite pleased to see me,but she was a completely different matter.She was livid and couldnt bring herself to look at me,and i was told the little lad wasnt mine and she never wanted to see me again.

My protests that i had done my maths and it wasnt possible fell on deaf earsand i was told never to darken their doorstep again!!.

30 years ago fathers had far less rights than they have now,and i had to take what they said at face value.As far as i was concerned though i was convinced he was mine,but my hands were tied.

As the years went by i convinced myself with the help of others that he would come looking when the time was right,and/or when his mother saw fit to tell him.

1992 my daughter was born and 12 mths after i found myself splitting up with her mother.Rather than lose my daughter,i made my boss aware of what she was up to and my intentions to leave the job i had kept since 88.My intentions were to pack her stuff and throw her out along with her gear,then keep hold of my daughter as i had already lost one child.She called the police several times, but as the house was in my name and the daughter had my name on the birth certificate and she wasnt in any danger they told her there was nothing they could do!.

With the backing of her parents i got full custody and in 97 i got married and she has lived with us ever since.

The year after i had settled into a new job and married life and everything was great.I went to work one day and saw the grandmother of who i thought was my son,and i pleasantly asked how they were doing?."Great,was her reply and hes the spitting image of you!". Well as you can imagine that set me off again and i gave her my address and phone number then asked if she would have a word and to contact me asap.

It was a further 4 weeks before i saw her again and when she saw me walking towards her,she did everything she could to avoid me.Nevertheless i caught up with her to be told to keep away she wasnt interested and he wasnt mine.Short of holding the womans sleeve and wanting an explanation she went and that was the last i saw of her!.

Then in 2000 i had settled into a really good job,and was actually headhunted from my previous firm by a large multinational company.We had a two year old daughter and marriage and work couldnt have been better and i had the full use of a company car. One morning i had an appointment to sort out an ATM machine at Asda and was on my way when i caught the site of my son waiting for the bus to take him to school.Dont ask me how i knew in that instant but i did,but i couldnt stop i had an appointment.

That afternoon i got back to the office to deal with all my e mails for the day,and to rearrange all the appointments for the next day.You see i wanted until 9.30 am free,as i had promised myself i would go back at the same time on another day.

i went home that night and told the wife who i had made aware of the possibility when i had met her,that i may have a son floating about.The next day i set off with her words of "be careful" ringing in my ears.

Anyway as i approached the bus stop i could see he was there and i was ten minutes earlier which gave me about 15 minutes.I swung into the street opposite the bus stop and turned the car round to face him.

He certainly did look like me at that age,and it was a weird and surreal feeling being opposite the son i had never really met.

I thought about going over and telling him but what a shock that would have been for the lad,and you can get arrested for less than that these days.I sat here in the car and thought about what may have benn said or not said to him,then before i knew it the bus came and went with him.

I knew i had done the right thing staying in the car but i had little choice in the matter if i wanted to be sensible about things.never mind i thought only another few years before he is 16 and he has a right to know.

well 16 came and went and so did his 21st, and the many birthdays and christmas days and i heard nothing.

Even my eldest daughter had tried to find him on facebook with no luck at all.

Then a fortnight ago i got a message through facebook from one of my friends,from back in the day in the early 80s. he told me he thought i had a right to know but my sons mother had been suffering from depression and had hung herself!.Apparently he had visited his mum earlier that evening and had stayed till midnight as she was a bit down.Then he had to go home to his WIFE and DAUGHTER but at 3am felt something was wrong.he went back couldnt get in,so he rang the police who kicked the door down and they found her hung with a rope.

My daughter paid for some searches and we have now found him on facebook at long last.I sent him a message to send my condolences and asked when the funeral would be so i could pay my respects.I got a message back saying that since his mum died people have been in touch who he hadnt met,and wanted to know who i was?.I told him we were old friends,and and who it was who had contacted me.he was pretty demanding in wanting to know details,and although the timing was shit he now knows the story.

he tells me hes had a shit life and never knew who his dad was,he also tells me he is very chaotic,paranoid and angry.Apparently his mum decided to bring him up on her own and never bothered with another relationship again,apparently i broke her heart and she hated blokes!!.

I couldnt make the funeral as i have a tumour on my adrenal gland which can make me very poorly at a moments notice,depending on how stressed i am.Anyway the funeral was 1.30 and at 10 am that morning i was unable to get out of the bedroom.

I have apologised and have explained that i was ill and unable to attend but didnt go into any details.he has since blocked and unblocked me 5 times on facebook and until now i havent been able to message him.I put a note through his door last week saying,i would like to meet him anytime and anywhere on his own terms.he still hasnt contacted me but has unblocked me.

I know he will need space to grieve for his mother and i will be patient,ive been patient enough for 30 years already.

Any tips does/donts and any thoughts would be appreciated as my head is toast!.

[Brewman 1,192]

Pm sent.

[sussex 5,802]

Tough one bwfc but I think your right its got to be slowly , slowly , with no pressure . He is going to need time to adjust & come to terms with what must be a fairly traumatic time ..good luck with it mate , I'm sure it will come good ...

[bwfc 164]

Cheers Brewman for the pm,its good to hear from people with similar experiences.Given that i have only 2 replies from 140 views,it looks like this subject is a bit deep for people to comment on maybe?.

[Nik_B 3,790]

Yeh it's a very complicated situation and not easy or even right for other people to comment on. Kids are very deeply affected by what goes on with their parents even when they are supposed to be grown up they can have a lot of emotional baggage. My missus's dad walked out on them when she was 3 years old and carried grudges until she was in her 30s. Finally they got back together and all is now well but it wasn't easy!

 

All you can do is make sure you are there for him now especially after what he's been through poor lad

 

ATB

[South hams hunter 8,938]

Personally its a situation I would hate to be in and cant begin to even think how it must be messing with your head and even after reading and rereading your post I struggle with what to say .

 

have you explained the situation to your son or does he think you jusy abandoned him ?

 

As your not currently blocked could you not sit and write something heartfelt and sincere so that he understands what your going through and then leave the ball in his court?

 

It's a really hard place to be mate and I hope everything works out best for you and your lad.

 

atb south hams

[twobob 1,497]

same as sussex says and if it doesnt end how you want it to chin up