dytkos 17,818 Posted January 21, 2014 Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Think I've heard that one from you before Baw? Cheers, D. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hutch6 550 Posted January 21, 2014 Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 I was roughly about 4 years old. My parent’s picked me up from pre-school and we went home for tea as was usual with no knowledge of what was about to happen. After tea my sister and I got our swimming costumes and towels ready and when my dad was ready we all set off to the local swimming pool for our lessons. I was in the toddler’s pool, nicely heated and not too deep whilst my sister was in the bigger 50m pool. After that was the diving pool where all the big boys and girls went for their diving lessons. I was going for my 5m badge or similar, my mum was in the viewing gallery watching on as my dad was watching my sister in the next gallery. So there is the scene with nothing too untoward. Now, I had been at pre-school during a bout of dysentery where I saw children being sent home with sickness from both ends of their anatomy. It was not a pretty site as I had to stay. I felt fine during the day, on the way home, getting changed at the pool and during the armband hand out session. I really can’t remember how it felt, what my reaction to it was or how I initially felt. I remember being on the steps that led out of the pool towards the viewing gallery and I was looking at my mother. Her face was frozen in a pleasurable smile for a few moments but then it changed. She started towards me and when she realised the railings were too much of an obstacle she resorted to shouting for me to run. Running is not allowed at the side of a swimming pool and not wanting to break any laws and spend my life behind bars I was a bit unsure of what I was required to do. I then became aware of an odour that wasn’t unlike the smell of the local water treatment plant. This was twinned with a warm sensation down my legs and a sting in the bottom area. I looked down between my legs and was startled to see a slight brown tinge to the water immediately around my legs. I glanced back up to my mother who was by now in the dilemma of being able to jump the barriers if it meant leaving her handbag behind. The handbag won, typical woman. “RUN! Ian, RUN!” Now I knew what was expected and surely the police could forgive me of this, it was now an emergency after all. My mother’s panic only lead me to panic and I started to cry as I made a hasty exit from the pool but the damage was done, the water was contaminated by human waste. I got to the top step of the pool and speeded up my pace but my bowels now seemed to think it was some kind of a race – could they empty before the crisp white porcelain sanctuary came to my rescue? I ran passed the viewing gallery where my mother was shouting from, tears streaming down my face and something else streaming down my legs. My father heard my mother shouting my name and was leaning over the higher viewing gallery to see what state of emergency he was supposed to be in. He saw the tears in my eyes, his little “Laughing Boy” was not laughing this time and then he saw the Hansel and Gretel trail of diarrhea leading back along the poolside to the cloudy shallow end of the pool. He joined in cheering me on to the finish line. “RUN IAN RUN!” My sister was with her swimming group in the near end of the bigger pool and everyone stopped to see what the shouting was about only to see a small child crying being jetted along by a silage pump towards the changing rooms. I don’t know if any of you have ever experienced the sensation of running and trumping at the same time. I have on many occasions and it makes me nervous to this day. It can happen in the form of gas only escaping when one foot is placed on the ground and gives the impression you are a one-man band with a clown’s car horn in the bottom of your shoe. This is how it was for me. Each time my right foot came into contact with the tiles on the poolside a jet of freshly squeezed bowel juice with extra juicy bits was emitted from my ar$e. The changing rooms were half way along the 50m pool so I had to cover at least 30m of poolside to get there and cover it I did. I reached the entrance to the changing rooms only to be confronted with the foot pool – a shallow pool placed there for no apparent reason at all. I knew the layout of the changing rooms and I knew that if I could get safely through the foot pool the toilets were only a matter of a few feet in, just passed the shower area. During this calculation my brain must have wanted the race between legs and bowel to be a draw for as I took my first step into the foot pool my bowel knew exactly where I was and went maximum effect. I tried to hurry, I was only small and the foot pool water was up to my knees. It was like the dream where you are running through treacle but this was not a dream and it was definitely not treacle. Just as I reached the centre of the foot pool it was time for the big finale. It was Friday Night Enema Time. My whole digestive system from the tip of my tongue downwards was cleared out in a pneumatic fashion. I was so shocked I’d stopped wading. My eyes were closed through both fear of what was happening and through fear of what I was now stood in. I opened them and through the tears was slowly revealed the full extent of what the human body if capable of and the dilution effect water has. I still had another few feet to go to get to the side and finally be stood in the changing rooms but I knew the race was over. My bowels had won and the porcelain would live to fight another day. I stood there with my arms wrapped around myself sobbing quietly so as not to try and draw attention to myself. Maybe no one noticed. That is when my dad came through the changing rooms, took me in his warm, strong, safe hands, held me at arm’s length so as not to dribble on him and dunked me in one of the hot showers. I had a fake tan below my knees from the sewage but the shower water was warm and comforting. My dad removed my trunks and it became clear that the filtering qualities of swimming costume material is remarkable as 40% of what could have escaped was now washing down the shower water waste gutter and down the drain. After my father dried and clothed me after cleaning me up it came as a surprise to see all of the other male children being led, fully dressed, out of the female changing room. What had happened in there was the equivalent of a freak snow shower – the pool was not prepared for such an incident and hadn’t put any form of contingency plan in place to deal with it. I had closed the pool down. It remained closed too for about a week whilst the water was purified again and sanitation levels had been restored. 13 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
STRANGER 948 Posted January 21, 2014 Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Quality read that hutch Belter. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Qbgrey 4,119 Posted January 21, 2014 Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 years back there was a building inspector for local council,who after we d laid drainage pipes hed roll a golf ball up one end a see roughly how quick it came out other end,or indeed if it was running the correct way.anyway we laid some pipes that were a bit level,out he comes and bends down ready to roll the ball,i say (bieng clever)i go and catch it mr hickmott,he lets fly and i wait a bit then hold up a golf ball............got it mr hickmott......he looks at and me in disgust and says...i aint let go of mine yet...................caught me right out. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
baw 4,360 Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Think I've heard that one from you before Baw? Cheers, D. No, you probably read it in the earth dog running dog, that's where I copy and paste all my stories from 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wullz 408 Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 I played rugby from the age of 11 till the age of 32......there are millions of these stories....... My fav....that I was involved in.... I shared my house with 1 of my mates after me and the 1st missus split up....name of Andy....he wont mind me using his real name..... Anyhoo, I comes home from Edinburgh with a wee Irish lass I had nipped off with, walks in the fron door, bit tiddly, off up to bed.... Halfway up the staircase is a 2 litre bottle of Makro's finest washing up liquid? Odd thinks I, whats the bold lad been up to.....? Morning comes and I am snuggled up under the duvet with this weed red....nice and warm, bedroom door bursts open and in prances the bold lad, clad in mickey mouse boxers, shouting, "Wull, Wull, got my brown wings last night, big Liz from the boozer!!" (it was a long time coming....) Well done shouts I shaking hands with him, this is Linda by the way.....introducing my bedmate.....so he is well exicted and starts giving us a graphic detail of how he pumped big Liz up the chocolate chicane..... And I had to ask, thats brilliant Andy, but why was the fairy liquid halfway up the staircase??? The reply? I couldnt find the baby oil says he..... I laugh to this day thinking about big Liz driving home with spunky bubbles coming out her balloon knot..... Legend.... 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mister Gain 1,764 Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Back in the early 1980's, I had just finished my shift and was driving home about 1 o'clock in the morning. The route I took was along a road with very poor lighting, mainly due to the cemetary wall and tall trees on one side. Occasionally there would be a car parked up and usually a couple would be getting 'friendly', so I used to drive along on sidelights and if there was a car parked up I would light up the full beam when I was close and watch them panicking trying to straighten themselves up as I drove past pissing myself laughing. I did it this particular morning and it turned out to be a panda car.. and as I went to full beam there was the usual reaction (male and female I might add). Earned myself a right old fashoined grimace from them as I drove past.. I didn't hang about, and I doubt they did either 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
joe54 83 Posted January 22, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 i ant been on here or days lol sat drinking tea laughing sone good uns Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RossM 8,121 Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Not me but a mate is a long distance lorry driver and has stopped taking his allocated stops because of this. A few years back he pulled into a layby/stop area to try and get a kip, anyway he pulls in and there's one lorry parked up already. He's struggling to get to sleep and opens his eyes and in his mirror he sees the driver of the other lorry booting this boy about the car park , thinking the driver had maybe been getting robbed, he jumped out just as the boy scrambled off. After talking to the driver it turned out he had been woken up to this dirty wee b*****d standing on the step asking through the window if he was horny whilst wanking to which the driver took great offence to! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jeppi26 1,855 Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 i ant been on here or days lol sat drinking tea laughing sone good uns Tell every one about the time you pissed yourself at EDRD jo lollol 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
marky b 309 Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 i ant been on here or days lol sat drinking tea laughing sone good uns Tell every one about the time you pissed yourself at EDRD jo lollolwhats this now lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jeppi26 1,855 Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 i ant been on here or days lol sat drinking tea laughing sone good uns Tell every one about the time you pissed yourself at EDRD jo lollolwhats this now lolI will let Joey Essex explain lollol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
South hams hunter 8,926 Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Rex think stabba should tell the one about the shit lol 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bosun11 537 Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Hutch... As someone who now manages a swimming pool after spending most of my life in them.... :notworthy: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jeppi26 1,855 Posted January 23, 2014 Report Share Posted January 23, 2014 Rex think stabba should tell the one about the shit lol Yes I forgot about that one hams fooking class that lollol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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