RossM 8,121 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 Remember pulling this bird years ago, bought her drinks all night, taxi back to hers, in we go and getting frisky when she informs me the painters are in, well just finishing really. Me being a clarty wee b*****d persuaded her we could get it on anyway, so strip down and I pull the wee bloody mouse out and lob it in the corner. Get down to business and it was fine tbh, morning comes and I go to leave, it's then I notice she has this wee Yorkie dog lying in the hall, chewing on something I then look closer and see a string hanging out its mouth.........lol it was fine to be honest lol not that it would have felt any different ya CLARTY c**t PMSL Well it's the thought of it.......... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
the_stig 6,614 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 i`d had a few beers pulled this bird went back to hers i`m goin at it like a steam train when she says ffs stop----- you`ve got your cock between my arse and the carpet 7 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bosun11 537 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 Was going out with this real posh bit of totty once. Old money, family history, friends with Royalty & stuff..! She was obviously on a rebellious course and slumming it with me and I knew it too but she was seriously fit and damn good fun so why not! Anyways, the parents hated me, well sort of, I gave a hand with the old mans livestock once or twice and so he was civil but the mother spoke to me through gritted teeth, no matter how pleasant I was..! She, my bird, had her cousin over from Canada for a couple of months, nice lad, no class system there like here and as we hit it off he couldn't see why they had a problem with me. So when his time was up and the family and friends were to take him to a smart restaurant for a leaving do. I wasn't invited but he said, that unless I went he wouldn't go, so very reluctantly I was invited..! My plan was to make the fecking most of it, I knew I was on borrowed time with her so, eat, drink and be merry was the order of the day. Which, on the night I duly did and scoffed loads. We all went back to the house, about 20 people. And a conversation started about fitness and press-ups, culminating with family trying to impress, even the mother was doing some. My bird decided to inform all that I (was young and very fit then!), could do one handed push ups... I near died on hearing her exclamation and wanting to run as everyone turned and started to clap me to do 'em, as much as I declined the more they applauded... Oh feck!! So, I duly got on the floor and started to press up... One, two, three and going alright but a massive meal and a load of booze ain't the best for exercise and on about my fifth, back pressure kicked in and I pushed up with the biggest rasping fart you've ever heard.... I collapsed to the floor in shame, wishing the ground would open up and when I finally turned, everyone was leaving the room, in silence..... They say, no man is an island, well that night I was, lying on the floor with just the Canadian and my birds brother still there, pissing themselves laughing.... We split up not long after, I've always wondered why... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
the_stig 6,614 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 working away in london --went into this pub full of locals ordered a round and i had a battle with my mate for the only chair left in the pub a nice blue velvet tub chair i sit down with a grin and a cheer raise my fist yes ya fooker -- i start to feel wet on my arse so i stand up a good few of the locals start laughing no one sits in that chair mate the old gal that uses it pisses herself everynight ..... 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NEWKID 27,278 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 (edited) Some good one on here lads One from when I was a kid, me and my mate were around 14 and used to be out with the dogs or ferrets most days, he used to bring his dad's geriatric jack Russell, it was probably 14 years old and deaf... I had a whippet called Hagler who was my daily companion, we would walk a couple of miles to land we had decided was our own lol, the Exeter to Exmouth train line ran along this bit, the rabbits had dug in alongside the track and it was too tempting for 2 kids not to have a go, after ferreting for a bit we heard a train approaching, as the train goes by the driver shouts out of the side window at us to get away from the lines... In true teenage fashion my mate flicks him the finger and shouts " f**k off" lol... With that the train starts slowing down, and comes to a stop.. " f**k run" I shout, the train is now backing up the line....I grabbed the ferret and my dog and ran into the field and ducked in behind a load of bushes... From my view point I could see my mate running along the tracks, I think what the f**k is he up to, what I don't know is the deaf dog is running along the track, the train driver has got out of the train and this stupid dog runs right up to him, my mates give up on the dog and tried to hide down the motorway embankment ( which runs under the line), he wasn't the brightest lol, the driver has walked back the line saw my mate and told him if you want your dog back you'd better come here. This was his dad's dog, going home without it wasn't an option....so the next thing I see from my hiding place is the driver carrying my mates dog, and my mate walking along the track, then getting on the train.... What he f**k, I'm thinking.... Then the train continues it's journey towards Exmouth.... It wasn't until that night at youth club, wher I was filled in on the details from my mate, turns out the police were waiting for him at the next stop ( topsham), and they dropped him home with a good bollocking on railway safety..... But, they also knew there was another lad with him.. " you didn't giver them my name though mate... Did you"..... "I had to Kev, my mind went blank"... " you twat"... Lol I told him a few days later that I had had a fine fir 250 quid through ( this was a lie, but I knew he would feel like shit, I had to get my own back some how"... I let him stew for a week or so, with him telling me he would save and pay my fine lol Edited January 18, 2014 by NEWKID Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bunny tickler 876 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 i dont know if this is classed as funny lol ,a farmer i did terrier work for sent me to some land he rented to clear some cubs , as the dog was on i noticed a tractor & muckspreader pull into the field ,as he got closer i tried to get him to stay clear of the area ,when he started the fecker up & showered me in shit ,after i put the graft through the side door the police came into sight with the farmers wife , it turned out he didnt know my man had sent me there & thought i was a badger digger ,i had to walk back to the farm who set me on (coppers woudnt have me in thier car lol ) farmer cleared it all up but the farmer on the shit spreader wanted compensation for his tractor ,i wanted compensation for my clothes as an innocent party ,, trust me it didnt end that day 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
paulf 820 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 was working near Exeter in my early twentys when a few of us went into town on the lash .. went to some right shithole of a pub and a few of us managed to pull a couple of old stinkers lol back to our digs and me not being very good on the cider started feeling like shit so me and the girl pulled went to my room ... the rest I cant remember but the next day my said wtf happened to you lastnight ,when I said what do you mean he said she came out screaming and shouting that you puked all over her ...last thing she said to my mate was ..tell that sheep shagging c**t if he ever speaks to me again I will f***ing kill him ... :icon_redface: 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NEWKID 27,278 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 Went to watch ocean colour scene in Shepton mallet, there was 6 of us lads early 20's at the time... We were staying in a band b 4 of us in one room 2 in another, after the gig we have a few beers and end up getting a kebab... A girl in there starts yapping to us, she wasn't the best looking girl, and her fashion sense was worse... Pretty bad all round tbh... Well my mate would shag anything, he had absolutely no standards at all lol.... Of course he sees an opportunity with this girl, and out comes the patter... 10 mins later we all pile in her car ( my brother was in the boot lol).. And all end up in the big room...my mate carries on his "charm" and we all crash out on the beds, an hour or so later he thinks we're all asleep and he's banging this girl, all 5 of us sit up and start watching, laughing at him etc and saying "ffs D.. That is bad"... Lol... He went right on with it lol.... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NEWKID 27,278 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 was working near Exeter in my early twentys when a few of us went into town on the lash .. went to some right shithole of a pub and a few of us managed to pull a couple of old stinkers lol back to our digs and me not being very good on the cider started feeling like shit so me and the girl pulled went to my room ... the rest I cant remember but the next day my said wtf happened to you lastnight ,when I said what do you mean he said she came out screaming and shouting that you puked all over her ...last thing she said to my mate was ..tell that sheep shagging c**t if he ever speaks to me again I will f*****g kill him ... :icon_redface: They're classy girls down here eh mate... Lol 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
paulf 820 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 also in Exeter my mate was chatting up the barmaid everynight in the local pub and always said he would end up shagging her ..a few nights later he comes running into the digs locking the doors and sneaking a look out the windows ..when we ask him whats going on he said he went back to the barmaids house and after getting her in the bedroom her phone rings and its her fella saying hes 5 minuts away as hes come home early from abroad ..she then said hes in the royal marines and he would kill him if he catches him there ,my said hes never run as fast in his life :D I still mention it to him now 20 years later and have a laugh about it ..lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
the_stig 6,614 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 (edited) when were about 19 my old mate dunc had been full of cold and a bad chest infection all week but come saturday night he dragged his self off his sick bed rang me and said i`ll be on the 8 0`clk bus for our saturday night jolly into town we lived at different ends of the village and got on at different stops --i get on at my stop and theres a bird on sue who dunc fancys so i sit in the seat behind her and start chatting she kneels on her seat with her hands over the back dunc gets and they start chatting where you going --i`ll try and catch you later blah blah -- all of a sudden dunc coughs up the biggest chesty lime green snot onto the back of sues hand that was the end of that... Edited January 18, 2014 by the_stig 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RossM 8,121 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 Went to watch ocean colour scene in Shepton mallet, there was 6 of us lads early 20's at the time... We were staying in a band b 4 of us in one room 2 in another, after the gig we have a few beers and end up getting a kebab... A girl in there starts yapping to us, she wasn't the best looking girl, and her fashion sense was worse... Pretty bad all round tbh... Well my mate would shag anything, he had absolutely no standards at all lol.... Of course he sees an opportunity with this girl, and out comes the patter... 10 mins later we all pile in her car ( my brother was in the boot lol).. And all end up in the big room...my mate carries on his "charm" and we all crash out on the beds, an hour or so later he thinks we're all asleep and he's banging this girl, all 5 of us sit up and start watching, laughing at him etc and saying "ffs D.. That is bad"... Lol... He went right on with it lol.... On a lads jolly in Newcastle, second night out it ends up just two of us out, anyway I tell my mate "I'll get us a taxi" so I'm sat in the taxi when my mate comes bombing out and informs me he's pulled this bird and she'll only come back to the hotel if someone pumps her mate? I'm like aye f**k it why not!?! So he dive back in and gets them and I'm no joking this thing, well she opened the taxi door and her frame filled the gap, picture a fat fizz from coronation street (yes ginger hair) not even as nice as that! I'm thinking one for the team, helping a mate out..... Back to the hotel and I whisper to my mate "don't f***ing tell anyone ya c**t!" Get into the room and first thing he does, phones up our other mates and informs them we got these two birds back and to fire down for a bevvy. So they all appear in their boxers pissing themselves laughing and I'm shaking my head saying I'm no doing it! Next thing she's under the covers sooking my welt, my mates soon make a sharp exit absolutely pissing themselves and I think f**k it best get it over worth so I'm in, battering away (and by the way I've not even kissed it!) well she's had 3 kids and it's like a wizards sleeve so I cowp it over and it's still not touching the sides, it's then I see her balloon knot looking at me I'm thinking f**k it drop a bit spit and try and stuff it up, well all I succeed in doing is folding my cock in half (agony) and forcing a bit air in and with this she lets out a fwaaarp! Well that's it the moods f****d I can no longer raise an eyebrow, I apologise (f**k knows what for, she's the one that's let off) roll over and go to sleep, could it get any worse? Well in the morning she goes to try and kiss me and I pull away in disgust and rattle my face of the radiator, 13 years later my mates still rip the piss. 8 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NEWKID 27,278 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 Me and the same lad went to Ibiza together, we trap 2 sisters, I ain't done too bad his is like f***ing house, but one of those proud of it types, mincing about in a little bikini at about 16 stone lol We end back there room and have a good night, in the morning my mate gets up to have a piss, I look over at him and he's got this girls hot pants on that she was wearing the night before... He obviously forgot he'd put them in for some reason, I'm pissing myself at the test stood there with a semi on in sparkly hot pants lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
paulf 820 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 once sent a text to the mrs ..get your knickers off I will be home in 20 minutes ..only problem was I sent it to her mother by mistake ..that took some explaning.. :icon_redface: 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
the_stig 6,614 Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 once sent a text to the mrs ..get your knickers off I will be home in 20 minutes ..only problem was I sent it to her mother by mistake ..that took some explaning.. :icon_redface: made a few text mistakes couple of year ago i`d been working in a gang painting concrete plants they put me on another job for a week because none of the lads could climb or liked working at height the forman wayne was a right wanker so i text my mate al saying this fooking twat cant climb cant fooking paint for toffee how the fook as he made forman he knows jack shit he wants fooking with a rag mans trumpet i`d put waynes phone no in my phone and coz i`d got him on my mind i sent it to him ------he never said a word another time i went to the pub early doors txt my mate see you in a bit mrs thinks i`m working late sent it to the mrs by mistake she txt back saying when you finally make your way home bring chinese 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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