Caprelous 217 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 (edited) Little johnny and Jane were in an english lesson at school Teacher says whoever can give me a sentence with the word fascinate in it can go home early little johnny immediately jumps up and says. Please Miss I have one I went shopping with my mum for a new winter jacket it had nine buttons but I could only fasten eight or right then clever arse the teacher said give me a sentence with the word contagious . thats an easy one Johnny said. I went shopping with my mum for a new winter coat for school...... Hang on said the teacher we have only just had that one. Let me finish said johnny. I went shopping for a new coat for winter then we went round to my Uncle Jimmys and he was painting his wrought iron railings with a one inch brush and it took the c**t ages Edited November 14, 2013 by Caprelous 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Suzy Ross 236 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 Groan...... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Suzy Ross 236 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 Paddys lying up in bed watching Babestation. He phones the number at the bottom of the screen and the Babe says "Hello sexy and what can I do for you tonight?". Paddy replies "Do you see that sofa you're lying on""Yes" she replies. Paddy says "You wouldn't jump over the back of it and hide" "Sure sexy. But why". She says. Paddy replies "Well it's just the wife's coming up the stairs and I can't find the f****n remote 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Suzy Ross 236 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt. The captain was asked, Why do you need a red shirt? The Captain replies, So that when I bleed, you guys dont notice and arens discouraged. They fight off the pirates eventually. The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, Get me my brown pants! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
marky b 309 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 Paddy and Murphy have been fishing for hours without a bite I've got an idea says paddy lets find a bridge you can hold me legs and when a fish swims by I can grab it good idea says Murphy. A while later they find a bridge right hold me legs says paddy as he goes over. About twenty minutes later paddy shouts pull me up pull me up. Av ya got one shouts Murphy. No says paddy theres a fecking train coming 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Suzy Ross 236 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lab 10,979 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 I'll have the lads in the pub in stitches wi that one!! Any chance of few haggis I would but am no a f***ing butcher...:-) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
danw 1,748 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 I was having sex with my wife last night when she suddenly yelled, "Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!" "Just relax." I said, "You might like it." "Relax?" she screamed, "What the f**k is Dave doing here?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea 125 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 I'll have the lads in the pub in stitches wi that one!!Any chance of few haggis I would but am no a f*****g butcher...:-) Looking for haggis if can send them on to me Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Suzy Ross 236 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 I'll have the lads in the pub in stitches wi that one!!Any chance of few haggisI would but am no a f*****g butcher...:-) Looking for haggis if can send them on to me haggis is out of season mate, need to try again in the spring Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea 125 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 I'll have the lads in the pub in stitches wi that one!!Any chance of few haggisI would but am no a f*****g butcher...:-) Looking for haggis if can send them on to me haggis is out of season mate, need to try again in the spring Whats the problem just looking for some haggis can't get them here Quote Link to post Share on other sites
joe54 83 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 good one marky you allways copy my jokes Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Suzy Ross 236 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 I'll have the lads in the pub in stitches wi that one!!Any chance of few haggisI would but am no a f*****g butcher...:-) Looking for haggis if can send them on to me haggis is out of season mate, need to try again in the spring Whats the problem just looking for some haggis can't get them here Ok, if you want proper haggis and don't mind paying for delivery, try here...... http://www.grantsofspeyside.co.uk/ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
marky b 309 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 good one marky you allways copy my jokesall I need now is a beer gut and a kebab addiction and we'll be identical Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea 125 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 I'll have the lads in the pub in stitches wi that one!!Any chance of few haggisI would but am no a f*****g butcher...:-) Looking for haggis if can send them on to me haggis is out of season mate, need to try again in the spring Whats the problem just looking for some haggis can't get them here Ok, if you want proper haggis and don't mind paying for delivery, try here...... http://www.grantsofspeyside.co.uk/ Ok thanks.. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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