WILF 46,600 Posted September 24, 2013 Report Share Posted September 24, 2013 When i was young i had an uncle who was ugly as f**k but insisted on telling anyone who would listen he dated loads of beautiful women........he was a bit of a local face type who people kind of looked up to me included.....so i really wanted to believe what he said was true ..............This one time he told me and a bunch of my mates he was going steady with the blonde bird out of Abba .....i never really knew who she was as i never paid much attention to music,this one day me and my pals were on a bus when one said " theres your uncle and that bird over there "......i quickly looked round but only saw the back of her head....and she was certainly blonde......so i didnt think nothing of telling everyone my uncle was dating the blonde sort out of Abba...................until one day i found out the blonde bird from Abba was actually Bet from Leyton High Rd and had a face like a broken dinner plate !.............A few years later the same uncle showed me a picture in the screen compartment of his wallet of another beautiful model he was dating................i pulled the picture out and turned it over to see it had been cut out of the wank mag Parade !!!......................Needless to say he went just a touch red ..........I like your uncle and I have never met the geezer ..........Parade!! .......f**k me, top man Quote Link to post Share on other sites
talt 878 Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 I like the one you say to your new girlfriend, " of course i wont come in your mouth!" BULLSHITE!!!!!!! 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ChrisJones 7,975 Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 Guy I work with has told myself, and anyone that will listen, that he's invented a way to run his petrol lawn mower on water. I feel sorry for the guy, to an extent. He's got something wrong with him. Lives in a complete fantasy world of compulsive lies, but that one is the biggest porky he's come up with to date. I could list as many as I could remember but I'd be sat behind this keyboard for a very long time! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NEWKID 27,072 Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 I like the one you say to your new girlfriend, " of course i wont come in your mouth!" BULLSHITE!!!!!!! Or when they ask you how many girls you've slept with.... Quick think of a number.....BULLSHIT!!!!! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lab 10,979 Posted September 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 Guy I work with has told myself, and anyone that will listen, that he's invented a way to run his petrol lawn mower on water. I feel sorry for the guy, to an extent. He's got something wrong with him. Lives in a complete fantasy world of compulsive lies, but that one is the biggest porky he's come up with to date. I could list as many as I could remember but I'd be sat behind this keyboard for a very long time! I'd be very worried he's got a bottle of Evain in his fridge thats really petrol.......... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lab 10,979 Posted September 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 I like the one you say to your new girlfriend, " of course i wont come in your mouth!" BULLSHITE!!!!!!! Or when they ask you how many girls you've slept with.... Quick think of a number.....BULLSHIT!!!!! .....or when its Tarquin and he says anything but '0'....................BULLSHIT!!! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ChrisJones 7,975 Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 I'd be very worried he's got a bottle of Evain in his fridge thats really petrol.......... What would you do if he offered you a cup of tea, and a cig? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mushroom 12,870 Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 This one is also absolutely true !! I had a job, 8 or 9 years ago, delivering furniture and this particular day we took a Super King-size bed to this beautiful converted coach house, just outside Grantham. A very charming, and very tiny, lady answered the door and showed us in. She explained that the bed needed to (obviously) to go upstairs, and showed us to a spiral, oak staircase. Our hearts fell through the floor ! Long story short, it took us 40 minutes and much cussing to get the fecking thing into the bedroom and, by the time we'd finished, we'd been there an hour (time is money!). We give it the old "right we're off,love" and she says "Hang on a minute, my husband's got something for you". The old man appears from the other end of the house, and it's Geoff Capes!! He gave us a fiver each, but to add insult to injury, he says "I would have helped you, but I've got a bit of a bad back" C**T!! :laugh: Something similar happened to me.. Did a Job at a beauti of a house in Blackpool, pulls into the drive get's out and starts to unload the van I could hear this noise that I can only describe like Tong Po on Kickboxer You know a real deep booom boom popped my head round the corner of the open garage welol fuuck me with a strap on there's old Brian London knockin seven shades of shite out of a bag Pure gentleman he is, even gave me a couple of pointers to add to my Thai boxing made me a brew and sorted me for a pint later Funniest Billy I ever heard was a paki telling me no problem I won't haggle the price any more, sure as labs' ginger and gay he did try Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Meat 3,109 Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 Speaking a bullshitterrs and mushroom appears...... oh the irony lol 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hunter_justin 0 Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 someone once told me henry viii used to live in their loft Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lab 10,979 Posted September 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 This one is also absolutely true !! I had a job, 8 or 9 years ago, delivering furniture and this particular day we took a Super King-size bed to this beautiful converted coach house, just outside Grantham. A very charming, and very tiny, lady answered the door and showed us in. She explained that the bed needed to (obviously) to go upstairs, and showed us to a spiral, oak staircase. Our hearts fell through the floor ! Long story short, it took us 40 minutes and much cussing to get the fecking thing into the bedroom and, by the time we'd finished, we'd been there an hour (time is money!). We give it the old "right we're off,love" and she says "Hang on a minute, my husband's got something for you". The old man appears from the other end of the house, and it's Geoff Capes!! He gave us a fiver each, but to add insult to injury, he says "I would have helped you, but I've got a bit of a bad back" C**T!! :laugh: Something similar happened to me.. Did a Job at a beauti of a house in Blackpool, pulls into the drive get's out and starts to unload the van I could hear this noise that I can only describe like Tong Po on Kickboxer You know a real deep booom boom popped my head round the corner of the open garage welol fuuck me with a strap on there's old Brian London knockin seven shades of shite out of a bag Pure gentleman he is, even gave me a couple of pointers to add to my Thai boxing made me a brew and sorted me for a pint later Funniest Billy I ever heard was a paki telling me no problem I won't haggle the price any more, sure as labs' ginger and gay he did try You....a f***ing Thai boxer........?....BULLSHIT!!!...... 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
smithie 2,443 Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 i was once told by a chap that many years ago he had the best ferret he has ever seen. it would run down the field, clamber up and on top of a cow, stand up tall and tith the front foot above its eye so shade the sun it would look to see were rabbits went down.. i kid you not the chap telling me that never sniggered once.. he believed his own pap. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dare 1,103 Posted September 25, 2013 Report Share Posted September 25, 2013 Had a mate meet a fit blonde bird told her he was serving up and the other two lads with him are his workers lol...the twats were all mates n picking up no more than an 8th each...no big times or workers...he ended up doing around two years inside for it. His doing alright now though came out in good shape and landed himself a job. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mushroom 12,870 Posted September 26, 2013 Report Share Posted September 26, 2013 (edited) Speaking a bullshitterrs and mushroom appears...... oh the irony lol And yourself fucknut This one is also absolutely true !! I had a job, 8 or 9 years ago, delivering furniture and this particular day we took a Super King-size bed to this beautiful converted coach house, just outside Grantham. A very charming, and very tiny, lady answered the door and showed us in. She explained that the bed needed to (obviously) to go upstairs, and showed us to a spiral, oak staircase. Our hearts fell through the floor ! Long story short, it took us 40 minutes and much cussing to get the fecking thing into the bedroom and, by the time we'd finished, we'd been there an hour (time is money!). We give it the old "right we're off,love" and she says "Hang on a minute, my husband's got something for you". The old man appears from the other end of the house, and it's Geoff Capes!! He gave us a fiver each, but to add insult to injury, he says "I would have helped you, but I've got a bit of a bad back" C**T!! :laugh: Something similar happened to me.. Did a Job at a beauti of a house in Blackpool, pulls into the drive get's out and starts to unload the van I could hear this noise that I can only describe like Tong Po on Kickboxer You know a real deep booom boom popped my head round the corner of the open garage welol fuuck me with a strap on there's old Brian London knockin seven shades of shite out of a bag Pure gentleman he is, even gave me a couple of pointers to add to my Thai boxing made me a brew and sorted me for a pint later Funniest Billy I ever heard was a paki telling me no problem I won't haggle the price any more, sure as labs' ginger and gay he did try You....a f*****g Thai boxer........?....BULLSHIT!!!...... I did Thai boxing for best part of 5 years until I broke my leg pretty badly, Judo for 7 years under Brian Moore the Olympic coach for the British squad. Edited September 26, 2013 by mushroom Quote Link to post Share on other sites
STRANGER 948 Posted September 26, 2013 Report Share Posted September 26, 2013 (edited) Just been speaking to THE worlds biggest bullshitter. He is up here looking at an old car my neighbour is selling. One of them c**ts that you cannot get away from, will not stop talking no matter how many times you tell them you need to crack on or walk away Anyway, was speaking to him for a good 20 mins (felt like 2 hours). In that time he tells me he has spent the summer in America buying and selling businesses, made over £10 million Has 5 houses all over the world Has a speed boat and 5 range rovers He was standing telling me this wearing a pair of Nora wellies and was driving an x reg defender with bits hanging off it, about to buy a car worth less than a grand What a twat. The final straw was when he tried to tell me he used to own the estate up the road, which I know to be a lie as its been in the same family for generations. I said sorry mate, that is absolute BULLSHIT and he didn't know what to say. Just left him standing there like a wanker. Edited September 26, 2013 by STRANGER Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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