Its_grim_up_norf 577 Posted September 7, 2013 Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 seen this as a group on facebook and quite a few of them gave me a good chuckle...thought id share it on here and hope it does the same for some of you lads an all. 1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE BOG - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized dump. 11 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Outlaw Pete 2,224 Posted September 7, 2013 Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 I just choked on my beer at 10 and it sort of snowballed from there! Excellent! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Frann 882 Posted September 7, 2013 Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 Brilliant 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wxm 1,638 Posted September 7, 2013 Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 lol :clapper: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaz_1989 9,539 Posted September 7, 2013 Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 These are fantastic. Lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jamesmc 582 Posted September 7, 2013 Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kay 3,709 Posted September 7, 2013 Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 Love number 22 lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Frann 882 Posted September 7, 2013 Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 How many have swapped the newspaper for iPad/Nexus? I know I have lol 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Its_grim_up_norf 577 Posted September 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 that can be fatal fran, temporarily disabled from the waist down after half an hour on the pot...at least the newspaper ends, the ipad/internet is endless. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
walshie 2,804 Posted September 7, 2013 Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 Excellent. No.22 is impossible without reading material and dead legs. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Banter 1,751 Posted September 7, 2013 Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 22 it changed times with broadband an wanking material Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Chopper2575 9 Posted September 7, 2013 Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 Genius Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tiny 7 1,694 Posted September 7, 2013 Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nik_B 3,790 Posted September 7, 2013 Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 How many have swapped the newspaper for iPad/Nexus? I know I have lol Even more manly is to save time by making all your phone calls while on the bog go to No 17 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Its_grim_up_norf 577 Posted September 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2013 How many have swapped the newspaper for iPad/Nexus? I know I have lol Even more manly is to save time by making all your phone calls while on the bog go to No 17 can make 2 or 3 man phone calls in the space of a morning 'dad piss' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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