Joke

[patterdale666 1,620]

The new barman in the pub is black, so I said to him, "Beer please, nigger."

He hit the roof and said, "Why don't we swap places, let's see how you like it."

So I went round the bar, he walked out then came back in and said, "Beer please, honkey."

 

I said, "Sorry mate, we don't serve niggers in here."

[hawki 1,431]

 

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

[hawki 1,431]

A six-foot five skinhead was giving me evils in the pub.
I said, "Keep looking at me like that and you'll be spending the night in A&E."
He said, "I'd like to see you f***ing try, you little c**t!"
So I stabbed his wife.

[Tommy pepper 222]

Some belters ther lol

[Slabcatcher 7]

When I was young I decided to go to medical school. The entrance exam asked us to rearrange the letters in the following in order to form a word that names an important human body part that is most useful when erect:

 

PNEIS

 

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are on facebook.

 

Slab

[Its_grim_up_norf 577]

Stoptober people are giving up smoking for a month. Then they started suggesting we give up drinking for the month too. They just need to suggest people give up bacon and there we have it...Ramadan by stealth

[hawki 1,431]

Irish Court Case

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant..."You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b*****d!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten b*****d!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes,
but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked
to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.

[hawki 1,431]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"