Joke

[hawki 1,431]

Luigi walks to work every day. Each way he passes a shoe store. Each time he can't help himself but to stop, look in the window and admire a particular pair of Armani shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves every last penny to get the €300 he needs to buy the shoes.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, are you wearing red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Luigi , I am wearing red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Luigi answers, "I see the reflection in my new €300 Armani leather shoes." With a smile he moves on.

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa , are you wearing white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new €300 Armani leather shoes." With a coy laugh he moves on.

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, my sweetheart, Please, please tell me you are wearing no panties tonight. Please, please, tell me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Luigi , I am not wearing panties tonight..."

Luigi gasps, "Thank God ...I thought I had a CRACK in my €300 Armani leather shoes!"

[pip1968 2,490]

Luigi walks to work every day. Each way he passes a shoe store. Each time he can't help himself but to stop, look in the window and admire a particular pair of Armani shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves every last penny to get the €300 he needs to buy the shoes.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, are you wearing red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Luigi , I am wearing red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Luigi answers, "I see the reflection in my new €300 Armani leather shoes." With a smile he moves on.

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa , are you wearing white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new €300 Armani leather shoes." With a coy laugh he moves on.

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played Luigi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, my sweetheart, Please, please tell me you are wearing no panties tonight. Please, please, tell me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Luigi , I am not wearing panties tonight..."

Luigi gasps, "Thank God ...I thought I had a CRACK in my €300 Armani leather shoes!"

[shootinforfood 18]

man is sat in the pub, no one has ever seen him in there before. after a few pints he calls the barman over and says to him 'do you know what I can do?'

 

'no' says the barman, 'what?'

 

'just by having a good feel of a woman all over her body I can tell them the exact day they were born...'says the man.

 

a curious woman, stood next to them turns and say 'I bet you cant, that's all a load of crap'

 

the man, looking confident says 'ok then, let me have a go and I will tell you when you were born'

 

after a bit of convincing the woman finally agrees, so they go off into the toilets, he strips her off, has a bloody good feel around for about 20 minutes. after he has finished, she puts her clothes back on and the man starts to walk out the door.

 

she grabs his arm to stop him. 'come on then, when was I born' she demands.

 

'f*cking yesterday' replies the man with a grin

[hawki 1,431]

Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says: "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."

"Let me tell you a story," says the other man,

 

"Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you.

 

To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you and to your right is a very horny gay man."

 

"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.

 

"Well..........which one do you turn your back on!!"

[Its_grim_up_norf 577]

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests the doctor suggest Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest a swap. I'll f**k her and you waft the towel. Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly and say's "and that my friend is how you waft a f***ing towel!"

[patterdale666 1,620]

After not seeing our elderly neighbour for a couple of weeks, my wife and I noticed a vile stench coming from her house as we walked past.

 

"Go and have a look, Dave, just to make sure everything is ok," she said.

 

I peered through the letterbox, and our fears were confirmed.

 

Pakis have moved in.

[patterdale666 1,620]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

 

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

 

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

 

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

 

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

 

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

 

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

 

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

 

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

 

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

 

"The Pope," his boss replies.

 

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

 

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

 

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

 

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

 

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

 

His boss looks up and says,

 

"It was the final straw...

you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said,

'Who the f**k is that on the balcony with Dave?'"

[patterdale666 1,620]

I've been told I'm not ambitious enough.

 

If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy b*****d.

 

That bronze medal would be mine.

____________________________

 

 

Last night my wife called me a lazy c**t.

 

I almost fell off my stairlift.

____________________________

 

 

This homeless guy just stopped me in the street, shoving a plastic cup into my face he say's "Spare change for a coffee."

 

Now I feel pretty bad, I don't really like coffee but I still took his spare change.

_______________________________

 

 

"You only want my daughter for one thing!" yelled my girlfriend's mother.

 

"That's your fault for not teaching her to cook." I replied.

________________________________

 

I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"

 

"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."

 

"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."

[hawki 1,431]

I said to my son, "where you going?"

He said, "I'm off to meet a girl"

I said, "don't forget to wear a 'you know what' "

He said, "what?"

"I said, you know?"

He said "do you mean a condom?"

I said "No, a fooking hat you Ginger c*unt." :laugh:

Edited September 12, 2013 by hawki

[patterdale666 1,620]

"It's the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say.

I never understood it until i saw two midgets fighting at Tesco's.

Edited September 13, 2013 by patterdale666

[patterdale666 1,620]

Someone just knocked on the door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.

I said "F*ck that, with my luck I'd probably win one"

[bird 9,898]

Someone just knocked on the door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.

I said "F*ck that, with my luck I'd probably win one"

 

 

lol

[patterdale666 1,620]

A traveller brings his wife to the hospital with two black eyes, a broken nose, 3 broken ribs, both arms broken and a broken leg

 

He leaves her there and the doctor shouts to him, "Here, you sir, you cant just leave her here without telling me what happened"

 

"She's going through the change boss"

 

Doctor says, "You don't get like that going through the change sir"

 

The Traveller replies:

 

"You f*cking do when its my change"

[talt 878]

Saint Peter is sitting at the pearly gates when a gang of twenty travellers turn up wanting to get in to heaven. Saint peter informs God, who says to them " there are only enough places for ten, so sort out amongst yourselves who will come in." Half an hour later saint peter says to God " theyve gone!" God says " what, all of them? " saint peter says " NO, THE GATES!!!! "

[j j m 6,539]

very good