Getting Married!

[stealthy1 3,964]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me… It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, ‘I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.’
... I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord… And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ‘We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.’
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

[The one 8,474]

[Will 1994 5]

Hhahahah classic

[stealthy1 3,964]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Sainsbury's
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in... and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Sainsbury's...
Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband,
Mr. Harris, are listed below and are "documented by our video
surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the
fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.'
One of the Staff passed out.

[ArchieHood 3,692]

........Good to see your about Stealthy, still shooting the German Dumbbell?...........

[pianoman 3,587]

She's nice! Top man Archie!

[stealthy1 3,964]

........Good to see your about Stealthy, still shooting the German Dumbbell?...........

 

Yep! still about Arch, just not had a lot of time to read a lot on THL, and still whacking with the 100

[ghillies 209]

respect where respecs due dude...lmao! i think my inlaws never stopped testing patients :laugh:

 

nar then, the sainsbury guy? whats up with that? one good point is i didnt realise they could keep score..oopss..

 

my best must be in the fat womans shop, the one with all the drag queen closing for large ermm..lady's? men? i think it was called evensis or something, the type of shop you can walk in and pic the only two desent items in oooo probably 20-30 seconds, but no, the missis at the time always had to play 'do you like this?' ffff

 

so, one day i'm stood there, bored to tears and starting to suffer cabin fever crossed with mad collies diseise as she looks yet again and some flowered curtain material lightly woven into a dress or something when i spy the most uptight matriarc going, i smurk and the missis grabs me and sais ''what ever it is DONT YOU F*CKIN DARE!!!''

hmm, i turn around and the matriarc has vanished but in her place a sorta 50 year old tidy 'straight laced' assistant...right next to the knicker stand and dressing room..gaurding it ! (probably after hearing the gentle voise of the missis ..lmao!)

over i go all koi like and straight faced and gently requested.......''can you model those knickers for me'' keeping it straight as she obviously shudders me right off with ''no i cant!''

 

ahhh, i say, well..do you mind if i try them on?

 

hehehehe she nearly hit me! untill i burst out laughing!! poot lass had tears strowling down her cheek by the time we'd left, from laughing, seems de management know the customers always right, but cant do much against a looney on mission for a laugh!! hehehehe!! it was crude rude and ready humour too, one half behind the counter was laughing like theyd lost it, tuther half were 'totaly shocked''..shame innit.

 

my favourate is stood at the checkout (providing you know the femal behind you) and jump like thy pinched yu ass...then look at them in total shock! hehehe

 

and yes the security guy, the one who follows you round waiting for you to knick something (cheeky bleeder), walk very slow, keep looking about, ponder it, ponder it..then noooo leave it, do this for a couple three isle then slowly walk tothe end and rip off like a whippet one or two isles, then double back and wave at them!!

 

the peast de la resitance is motorway cafes...walse in like a manager/important person, straight up to the sandwidge effert, look at the prices and piss yu sen laughing and walk directly out.

get this bit..occasionly a security member will give chaise!! then realise oh hold on..its not illigal to laugh at prices hahah!

 

the world is so sad..so very very sad lmao!!!

 

well...its boring being forcably peraded around isles of food and upstarts thinkign theyre important now...fffff. EYE AM A MANAGER NOW she said...open invatasion miss muck lmao.

 

yes i've had theropy...hehehe and it sorta works untill it bursts out like a seen from alien.

 

good luck with the married stuff mate, you'll luv it and hate and umpty seven other emosions but its worth it lol. good to be alive lol.

Edited April 6, 2013 by ghillies

[stealthy1 3,964]

respect where respecs due dude...lmao! i think my inlaws never stopped testing patients :laugh:

 

nar then, the sainsbury guy? whats up with that? one good point is i didnt realise they could keep score..oopss..

 

my best must be in the fat womans shop, the one with all the drag queen closing for large ermm..lady's? men? i think it was called evensis or something, the type of shop you can walk in and pic the only two desent items in oooo probably 20-30 seconds, but no, the missis at the time always had to play 'do you like this?' ffff

 

so, one day i'm stood there, bored to tears and starting to suffer cabin fever crossed with mad collies diseise as she looks yet again and some flowered curtain material lightly woven into a dress or something when i spy the most uptight matriarc going, i smurk and the missis grabs me and sais ''what ever it is DONT YOU F*CKIN DARE!!!''

hmm, i turn around and the matriarc has vanished but in her place a sorta 50 year old tidy 'straight laced' assistant...right next to the knicker stand and dressing room..gaurding it ! (probably after hearing the gentle voise of the missis ..lmao!)

over i go all koi like and straight faced and gently requested.......''can you model those knickers for me'' keeping it straight as she obviously shudders me right off with ''no i cant!''

 

ahhh, i say, well..do you mind if i try them on?

 

hehehehe she nearly hit me! untill i burst out laughing!! poot lass had tears strowling down her cheek by the time we'd left, from laughing, seems de management know the customers always right, but cant do much against a looney on mission for a laugh!! hehehehe!! it was crude rude and ready humour too, one half behind the counter was laughing like theyd lost it, tuther half were 'totaly shocked''..shame innit.

 

my favourate is stood at the checkout (providing you know the femal behind you) and jump like thy pinched yu ass...then look at them in total shock! hehehe

 

and yes the security guy, the one who follows you round waiting for you to knick something (cheeky bleeder), walk very slow, keep looking about, ponder it, ponder it..then noooo leave it, do this for a couple three isle then slowly walk tothe end and rip off like a whippet one or two isles, then double back and wave at them!!

 

the peast de la resitance is motorway cafes...walse in like a manager/important person, straight up to the sandwidge effert, look at the prices and piss yu sen laughing and walk directly out.

get this bit..occasionly a security member will give chaise!! then realise oh hold on..its not illigal to laugh at prices hahah!

 

the world is so sad..so very very sad lmao!!!

 

well...its boring being forcably peraded around isles of food and upstarts thinkign theyre important now...fffff. EYE AM A MANAGER NOW she said...open invatasion miss muck lmao.

 

yes i've had theropy...hehehe and it sorta works untill it bursts out like a seen from alien.

 

good luck with the married stuff mate, you'll luv it and hate and umpty seven other emosions but its worth it lol. good to be alive lol.

 

 

You have to have a good sense of humor to go shopping with the Mrs eh!

[ArchieHood 3,692]

respect where respecs due dude...lmao! i think my inlaws never stopped testing patients :laugh:

 

nar then, the sainsbury guy? whats up with that? one good point is i didnt realise they could keep score..oopss..

 

my best must be in the fat womans shop, the one with all the drag queen closing for large ermm..lady's? men? i think it was called evensis or something, the type of shop you can walk in and pic the only two desent items in oooo probably 20-30 seconds, but no, the missis at the time always had to play 'do you like this?' ffff

 

so, one day i'm stood there, bored to tears and starting to suffer cabin fever crossed with mad collies diseise as she looks yet again and some flowered curtain material lightly woven into a dress or something when i spy the most uptight matriarc going, i smurk and the missis grabs me and sais ''what ever it is DONT YOU F*CKIN DARE!!!''

hmm, i turn around and the matriarc has vanished but in her place a sorta 50 year old tidy 'straight laced' assistant...right next to the knicker stand and dressing room..gaurding it ! (probably after hearing the gentle voise of the missis ..lmao!)

over i go all koi like and straight faced and gently requested.......''can you model those knickers for me'' keeping it straight as she obviously shudders me right off with ''no i cant!''

 

ahhh, i say, well..do you mind if i try them on?

 

hehehehe she nearly hit me! untill i burst out laughing!! poot lass had tears strowling down her cheek by the time we'd left, from laughing, seems de management know the customers always right, but cant do much against a looney on mission for a laugh!! hehehehe!! it was crude rude and ready humour too, one half behind the counter was laughing like theyd lost it, tuther half were 'totaly shocked''..shame innit.

 

my favourate is stood at the checkout (providing you know the femal behind you) and jump like thy pinched yu ass...then look at them in total shock! hehehe

 

and yes the security guy, the one who follows you round waiting for you to knick something (cheeky bleeder), walk very slow, keep looking about, ponder it, ponder it..then noooo leave it, do this for a couple three isle then slowly walk tothe end and rip off like a whippet one or two isles, then double back and wave at them!!

 

the peast de la resitance is motorway cafes...walse in like a manager/important person, straight up to the sandwidge effert, look at the prices and piss yu sen laughing and walk directly out.

get this bit..occasionly a security member will give chaise!! then realise oh hold on..its not illigal to laugh at prices hahah!

 

the world is so sad..so very very sad lmao!!!

 

well...its boring being forcably peraded around isles of food and upstarts thinkign theyre important now...fffff. EYE AM A MANAGER NOW she said...open invatasion miss muck lmao.

 

yes i've had theropy...hehehe and it sorta works untill it bursts out like a seen from alien.

 

good luck with the married stuff mate, you'll luv it and hate and umpty seven other emosions but its worth it lol. good to be alive lol.

ghillies,..... you are a fecking legend.

[ghillies 209]

what?

 

:laugh:

 

i thought every one did it?

 

lets put it this way, a gun shop owner (long since shut down unfortunatly) shot me one day for laugh...some 30 yard acurate spounge bullet gun, jeesus i thought i was dead!! i even caught the thing as it landed, they stopped laughing and stared in my hand when i opened it hehehe shit them up?? weird lol.

it took about an hour to land, and fu some reason i could not move my legs to get out the way? at first i thought it was fear but nehhh...it was only a very small split second lol.

[stealthy1 3,964]

Once got shot in the eye at school with a spud gun, and that f**ker stung for three hours, and my sight went milky in the same eye all day

[ghillies 209]

Once got shot in the eye at school with a spud gun, and that f**ker stung for three hours, and my sight went milky in the same eye all day

 

they got banned didnt they..real shame about them they were good lol propper sting yu butt.

[callum1500 0]

Oh my god, stealthy1, I just read your post and whilst trying to laugh quietly, I gave myself a sore throat and started a small coughing fit.

Quit your job and do stand up.

No seriously.

[stealthy1 3,964]

Oh my god, stealthy1, I just read your post and whilst trying to laugh quietly, I gave myself a sore throat and started a small coughing fit.

Quit your job and do stand up.

No seriously.

 

Cheers mate, it never hurts to laugh a little